Holiday nightmare

[Confused123]

• So after x years of leaving ex and ongoing divorce thought take both boys abroad to mark our progress . What a joke this has ended out to be , what I thought was turning out to be a good holiday for us to bond has turn into nightmare. Eldest is acting exactly like ex , everything has to be on his terms ,mood swings on and off , upsetting both me and youngest .no matter how much I try to defuse argument we r in same cycle. My eldest suggested we have a discussion over dinner after another trantrum and guess what night has ended in another argument.maybe I’m in wrong but I just said to him u have no respect for me so I’m just cutting u off as I’m fed up of been disrespected. He said he doesn’t care and I used to say same to his dad, stated I left him

 

And cut him off too in end . Have another (detail removed by moderator) days left , so annoyed spent so much money on this holiday has gone to total waste and we all lose out over remaining (detail removed by moderator) days

[Confused123]

Every time I think let’s go somewhere anyway as have spent all this money even though we have moments of happiness, majority of day is spent with my stress levels high , can’t state how F off I am . Have told both boys I am disgusted with their behaviour but more with my eldest . He really got it tonight even though I remain calm I told him I fed up of his victim attitude and how he chooses to spoil his life’s for how Him and his brother can’t have relationship as again no respect and all on his terms when he chooses to be polite. Also ask us don’t we miss his dad as the male companion on holiday, me and youngest was like no cause of how he used to behave and again he is alone today cause of his actions, which my son felt we was being too harsh for not forgiving him ,just needed to let it out

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Confused,

Sending you a big hug. It does sound very stressful and disappointing. You sound like a very caring, kind mother who is trying to do the right thing. It is difficult because your boys will have observed abusive behaviour from your ex and internalised it as normal and are therefore repeating it, and that is entirely your exes fault, not yours. On top of that, most teenagers tend to rebel at some point regardless of their life so far, so there’s not much more you can do, it sounds like you are already being calm, assertive and setting boundaries.

I find with children on top of having very clear boundaries, being very consistent and following through on all actions is super important, as then they learn you mean what you say and can’t be manipulated/bullied/swayed etc, so you could try this although you may well be doing this already.

I hope you can salvage something positive from the holiday even if it’s just a learning experience, and that you are taking time for your own self care.

Sunshine xx

[Confused123]

Thxs for replying Hun , I just feel so gutted how this holiday is going , can’t explain how upset I am , dreading the morning, this is exactly life like it was with ex , the only thing I learned is never going on holiday with the boys again, am happy with my own company. Work so hard all year for this holiday and for eldest to behave like this has f me off , to say I’m weak minded really annoyed me . I know he apologised after but it’s just. Or the point , just have had enough . Have tried so hard to stay positive since left ex and move on , maybe it hurts so much cause it’s truth I am
Weak for been stuck in cycle of caring for people who show me no respect, then I wonder why I get abused

[Ayanna]

Big hugs!
Tell him off and do not allow him to mistreat you!
You can even throw him out of your home if he continues his abusive behaviour.
Many children abuse their parents. Do not allow this.
Set strict boundaries. If he does not like it let him go.

[Serenity]

Hi Confused,

It’s no bad thing to let your kids know that you have your limits.

They saw your ex take advantage of you and invade your boundaries. It’s a good thing- not a bad thing- for them to see that the new you won’t tolerate that.

Don’t listen to your eldest trying to make you feel bad by saying you took the same stance with your ex in the end. Yes, you did, because you weren’t going to tolerate the abuse any more, and you will take the same stance with your boys now.

I know how you feel. I have two sons too as you know, and the times they have been behaving a bit like my ex, I have had to put my foot down ( this normally happens when my ex has been brainwashing them about something). It’s so painful, as our kids are so important to us and it hurts when they treat us in this way, but I tell myself that I am raising future husbands, and it’s important for me to try to distance myself emotionally from it and stand up for what’s objectively right. We will get complained at for telling our kids to do the right thing, because kids don’t want to be told how to behave ( this is true of all kids, but I think kids with perpetrator fathers will try to push the boundaries even more at times, to test the water; I think it’s important to hold firm in our values).

I totally understand the pain. We went through dehumanising treatment from our ex, and cannot take going through it again with our kids. Well, we need to relay to our kids that we won’t go through such treatment. They need to learn the tough truths now, or else they may think they can get away with it with their future wives. A sharp lesson is what they need.

Though it’s upsetting for you, try to distance yourself a bit from the situation emotionally. I actively tell myself in such situations that emotions are my enemy in certain situations, as they can threaten to escalate or ruin everything.

I am glad you say you love your own company. I do too. Let the boys have time alone to reflect on their actions. You go off and do what gives you the most peace on this holiday. Even reading a book in the sun and refusing to respond to their attempts to upset you. Stand firm. Remember the visualisation technique of the plastic bubble around our: what they say can’t touch you. I find that this helps; at times my kids have tried to test me, and they’ve seen that I stand firm, they have had to back down. The most important thing here is for your boys to know what you aren’t a walkover and that you have your limits.

It wasn’t a waste of money you paying for this holiday. In the future, they may look back and feel ashamed of their behaviour. Try to salvage what peace and relaxation you can and let them stew on their behaviour. I’m glad you sound so firm.

[KIP.]

Cut your eldest out the rest of the holiday and make some good memories with your youngest. They have to understand we don’t want to be around abuse again. They have this warped sense of entitlement. Leave him alone to think about it. And salvage the last few days x

[lover of no contact]

Hi confused123,

Sorry to hear you’re on the receiving end of this with your boys. As you know I often get similar from my girls. I think you handled it very well. You let them know its unacceptable behaviour. That’s all you can do. I think my girls are kind of looking at their behaviour when I point out its unacceptable and disrespectful. Its slow progress but at least I’m letting them know. Their response is not always what I like but I do think its sinking in. Its okay to be angry and to let them know you’re angry.

As other ladies have said try to salvage the rest of your holiday. Read, walk, swim, enjoy the rest and relaxation. Enjoy the no cooking, shopping, cleaning and working. Treat yourself to a cocktail, alcoholic or non-alcoholic. Eat a delicious meal.

We are powerless over others’ and their behaviour but we can detach with love from our kids and their disrespect.

Take the good bits from the holiday and leave the rest. Don’t let your son spoil this moment.

The serenity prayer helps me: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (my kids behaviour), courage to change the things I can (me setting limits and not letting them spoil my day).

[Confused123]

Hi ladies

Have t been able to login in for few days, we ended up having a good chat in morning, cleared quite few things and agreed what is acceptable, thx u for all of your advice. This forum really is life saver

[Author]

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