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It has been almost 2 years since I last posted here. I thought it was less time than that. The trauma, the abuse and being around my abuser seems to have warped and distorted all sense of time.
My abuser was/is not physically abusive, he used intimidation and verbal/emotional and financial methods. Finally he left. (detail removed by moderator). I told him he needed to go and I needed to get on with my life. It was supposed to be almost 2 years ago, in January last year when he started his perpetrator course and he said he was leaving again, selling the house, the usual spiel (how many times I have heard the same threat over and over since I moved in, seven years ago) He already has a new girlfriend, was dating again before we split officially (serial cheater) and he has the means to support himself as well as pay towards the mortgage and a joint loan.
I felt so angry the first few hours, days, week. I still feel angry, I want justice, I want revenge, I want him to hurt like we all hurt. I want him to face consequences. I know this will never happen, as it never has, his ex-wife, his daughter, me – we all never called the police when he physically intimidated and physically abused us (his ex-wife and daughter have suffered physical violence)…I want him to burn in hell and have a very unhappy rest of his miserable life…he still is not accountable for all the damage he has done to me and my children. I want him to pay!
I have given him (detail removed by moderator) weeks to get rid of all his belongings. I said I will change the locks and put it in storage and bill him if he does not. Yes, he does co-own the house. Do I get a protection/non-molestation order out (he tried to intimidate me verbally this evening, saying he would report my daughter to the police for drug driving and me to my employer for talking about work)? What can I do to make a paper trail (as no one has ever hit him back with the law/police, etc), so if the poo hits the fan, I have something…something to fall back on. I have been to Womankind counselling for 2 years and I went through one cycle of the Freedom Programme. He still tries to make out I am the toxic one (it was the toxic environment which caused the abuse and the relationship deterioration, not HIM), even though he cheated, lied, stole and intimidated his son, my son, his daughter, me, my daughter’s boyfriend at the time, my daughter now…
I just want some peace, he and his mother and son are blocked on my mobile phone. I have no desire to hear anything from them. I communicate with him via email about the house, finances, etc. We luckily have no children together. It all seems a bit too easy, a bit too straight forward.
I just want him and any trace of him gone. Forever. I wish he would drop down dead, actually…
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Ive been in a similar position, he’s only got worse since I threw him out years ago. I would say that the best place to start is by calling the police, report how you felt threatened and intimated in your own home, how he tramples your boundaries, that you can not live like this, need protection and want their advice – this will then be a record that the icident happened and they will probably fo and give him a warning to leave you alone.
Do the same everytime he breaks the agreement, intimidates and threatens you, tramples the boundaries in place.
I would probably email and simply say something like, I’d like your things removing please, I will give you 30 days to organise this, if they haven’t been collected at the end of 30 days I will assume you no longer wnat them and dispose of them.
I dont think it’s revenge you really want, this is your anger talking and lashing out – which is understandble; anger aside, what you’d like is for him to be accountable for his behaviour because until the authorities do this it feels he will only carry on, you know he doesn’t listen to you and will do what he likes. The police need to make him aware his behaviour is unacceptable – because it is. Then if he still doesnt listen they will deal with him.
Def speak to Rights for Women, WA helpline, Victim support and see if any protection order could help x
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If everyone is willing they could submit accounts of what they have endured. That’s evidence the police are looking for a pattern of behaviour. Intimidation needs to happen twice I believe? To be unlawful once is breech of the peace depends how severe ie physical then it’s assault. Fizz is right get it all down on file with the police then let them direct you xx your in the angry stage of this is part of recovery x I felt exactly the same still do at times but it lessens. Once you don’t have to deal with him again you eventually won’t give a dam about what’s happening with him xx
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Thank you for the replies. I will get on and do what needs doing, so there is a “paper trail” beyond my counselling and the Freedom Project. I must remember to write a list, as in my head I have so much going on, I forget, little steps, one thing at a time and breathe….breathe…first time ever last week, after getting so angry with him before I told him to go, I had a panic attack, I had no idea what it was. I headed to the gym like I normally do and had to leave again without finishing my session as I could not breathe, my throat felt like it was closing over and I felt really nauseous…and was shaking terribly…the fresh air outside helped.
One day at a time…ugh!
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