Hot and cold

[EndlessVictim]

Hi, I am trying to decide if I’m in yet another abusive relationship. This is the first time I have posted but not the first time I have come to this forum. I think I am feeling a bit stronger in my conviction. I would be so grateful for some thoughts on this and I’m going to try to be really honest and not lead anyone into being on my side.

So I met my partner because he was married to my (detail removed by moderator)…. this sounds way worse than it is! I had only met him a couple of times at funerals and barely spoken. His wife/(detail removed by moderator) died of (detail removed by moderator) and we ended up chatting through consoling and friendship. We became lovers, long distance, and then over lockdown moved in together. He has money from his wife’s life insurance, I have none for a few reasons, I’m a bit of a mess both psychologically and physically. I have recently been diagnosed with (detail removed by moderator). I did not have these diagnoses before we met but I was in the early stages of decline. I have also come to realise that my mother was n**********c, this was also after I met my partner. I have also been in an abusive relationship with a previous partner, during the course of which I heavily relied on alcohol.
I have been fearful for some time that I am in yet another abusive relationship and I’m becoming more concerned as time goes on. I feel like I am made to be the family scapegoat because of my disabilities, I have previously largely accepted it because I have been very deep in (detail removed by moderator) when our rows have occurred, but there has been a few times recently when I feel just fine and I’m being told I’m a problem. (Detail removed by moderator) I said I felt (detail removed by moderator), it was because of a few factors; pain, illness and exhaustion;taking hours to settle my daughter to sleep, then not being able to shower because our kids kept showering (I really struggle to shower, it exhausts me, I’d worked hard to get my daughter to sleep, then when I did I couldn’t because others kept getting in before I could. He came down and started being really aggressive with me, saying that I am always so angry with him and his kids and (detail removed by moderator), he was Really aggressive and sort of growing the words at me and going to grab me. That sort of behaviour is really triggering for me, which he knows, and I shut down and just screamed at him to leave me alone. He started saying that I should go if I hate him so much, he’s done this before. He messaged me saying (detail removed by moderator). I made it clear that he triggered me and, given that he knows my triggers, his behaviour was not OK and that I won’t be the scapegoat because I’ve played that part too long. Blah blah blah. I told him to sleep on the sofa so I could gently get over it. He comes upstairs and said he doesn’t know what to think but he’s tired and needs a cuddle. Now he’s asleep in our bed and I can’t sleep. I have no money at all because I’m disabled and have recently stopped work. He is in the process of buying ‘us’ a house with his wife’s life assurance. I’m not being named because he has a duty to his wife to keep her children well, and I’m a liability because of my past debt and poor mental health. It really feels like I’m being controlled and manipulated but he keeps saying that I just think everyone is abusive because of my parents. I do love him and when he’s lovely he’s amazing. I don’t know how to cope with the push and pull. I have no friends or family support.

[EndlessVictim]

I read about the types of abuse and I know that some of them are so clever. They never threaten to hit, they just act aggressive. They don’t tell you not to speak to your family or friends, they ‘help you to recognise’ that they are no good for you. They make you feel like you are to blame for all the family’s problems and that they are so lovely for welcoming you in. They message the people they think you might be reaching out to for support, just to make sure they have an alternative story.

[Lisa]

Hi EndlessVictim

I just wanted to show you some support. It’s not ok for your partner to be aggressive towards you, I can understand why this must really upset you. It sounds like your gut feeling is telling you that this relationship isn’t right as you feel controlled and manipulated.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could
chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service
(weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to
do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support
that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Do keep posting to let us know how you are,

Lisa

[Camel]

It does sound abusive. It’s not consistently loving behaviour at any rate. You have a lot going on and are not getting any support from the person you love. I notice that you don’t say at all that he loves you.

You may not want to leave this man. But could you consider a compromise and go back to living apart? Ask yourself what you and your daughter are getting out of this arrangement. Although you talk about ‘our kids’, you and your daughter have no home or financial security – either short or long term.

There will be financial support for you which may not be available while you’re cohabiting. It’s important for your mental health too, I feel, to get back some control and your own income. There may be other support you can get for your conditions. Make an appointment to see your GP to talk things over.

Lisa is right. No one will make you do anything you don’t want to. But please know that you and your daughter have a right to happiness.

[Author]

Posts