How are your adult children holding up?

[Headspin]

My adult daughters have been really supportive since the outing of my husband’s abuse earlier this year. A turnaround for them, as until the truth was coaxed out of me, they believed their Dad’s narrative. My daughters have been supporting me emotionally and financially since they first heard about the coercive control/emotional/financial and physical abuse. Now that I’m stronger, they’re weakening and are so angry and disgusted with his behaviour . So many stories from their childhood have come bubbling to the surface, things I am so shocked about. One example was on a school trip abroad where one daughter had no money for food during her stay, she picked from people’s plates. I was kept in the dark about financial matters so I would have had no idea, I just feel sick to the stomach. How are your adult children coping? Do you talk about the abuse? When does the talking about experiences of abuse fade away? I want to support them as much as I can, but am not sure how.

[Eggshells]

You just be there for them. Listen when they want to talk, pick up the pieces when they fall apart, help them through their discoveries.

I spent an entire week just holding my 6 foot adult son in my arms whilst he cried the must guttural and heart broken tears that I have ever witnessed.

Your their mother and your natural instincts to love and protect them will guide you. The best thing you can do for them is to believe and trust in yourself and you won’t go far wrong. xx

[Headspin]

Thank you Eggshells, oh my goodness, I had a picture in my head of your poor son sobbing his heart out, that must have been so heartbreaking for you. I know my girls are on the edge, fortunately they both have lovely partners who have helped their journey through this whole mess. Yes, you are right I will trust my natural instincts, the stories are just so shocking, all I want to do is hug them and apologise for not leaving earlier.

[Eggshells]

I know that feeling of wanting to apologise. Keep reminding yourself that you did the best you could given the knowledge and understanding that you had at the time.

Ironically, many of us stay because at the time, we believe its the best thing for our children. It’s hard to see the abuse when you’re in the relationship; that’s the FOG and it’s how abusers keep us there.

His treatment of them is his fault and his alone so try not to feel guilty – although I know that’s easier said than done. We can’t change the past but we can shape the future and it sounds like you’re already forming an even stronger bond with your daughters than you’ve ever had before. xx

[Headspin]

Ah yes, “fog” is the right word, it’s so true that the abuse is hard to see. How I’ve survived this long is anyone’s guess, just feel so sad for my daughters. Thank you Eggshells.

[Author]

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