how can I be sure?!

[Jam1234]

how do you know, like really really know that it’s a “them” issue and not you.

I feel like I should know this. After (detail removed by moderator) of enduring this abuse (rarely physical) it was like a lightbulb came on and I couldn’t “unsee” any of it …

after he left the family home he attended therapy and I feel it’s simply enabled him. He has tales of childhood abuse to pin it on and an unmanaged diagnosis of (detail removed by moderator) … I was almost sucked back in with empathy (as always) but although I was hearing these new therapy words and stories of accountability … the behaviour and lack of caring about my hurt, stayed the same. I seen it for what it was and retreated back out of the relationship.

But when the behaviours are so covert and subtle … it gets muddy.

I wake up at night having flashbacks and dreams of events from the (detail removed by moderator) …and I can still hear his “context” to the events in my head. How I wasn’t remembering it correctly, or i had let “my head run away with me”, or the isolation I suffered / am suffering was “my fault” …

Sometimes I still have a moment where I doubt myself … was this me? was everything that happened simply circumstantial?

Am I actually losing my mind? Maybe I’ve victimised myself and my brain is running away with the story … skewed by my isolation.

My daughter (previous relationship) suffered the same abuse (even worse) from this man … I feel confident to cut ties for both of us …

I’m receiving help from a local refuge to escape closer to my family.

But what about children we have together? They’re still young and he’s never openly acted this way with them? Is it because they are still young? Different gender? … he adored my daughter at a young age too … the abuse didn’t start until she hit secondary school.

I wish I had a crystal ball to protect them. Is it for the best to put this much distance and jeopardise their relationship with their father? Is it in everyone’s best interests to remove them to safety?

I regret not doing it sooner with my eldest.

But what if it’s ME? That’s the problem.

I’m watching myself unravel whilst he stays calm and sturdy. I’m watching my kids lash out with emotion when with me but not him.

How can I know for sure, that I’m making the right decision.

[minimeerkat]

you know sometimes we actually have to rely on the way our bodies react to behaviour to give us the answers that we need, especially when theres covert abuse involved – plus all the doubt & confusion that these relationships cause
its very common for abusive partners to blame as many things as possible for their behaviour towards us due to them not being prepared to take responsiblity
and if something like their past or mental health is given to try excusing the abuse its easy for them to ‘admit’ responsibilty because its then ‘something else’ that caused their abusive behaviour – its still not their fault is it
but then when you consider that many others have mental health issues or have suffered childhood abuse who would still never dream of being abusive, you then have to wonder whether it is a choice to behave this way
its so good that you are taking steps to protect yourself & your family, especially your daughter if she has suffered like you say. i think abusive partners can often appear to be quite a good parent with any younger children which could be down to the fact that they are still so vulnerable & idolizing you – possibly when the childrens individuality & character start surfacing that the abusive parent changes
you say you are receiving help from a local refuge – are you also in contact with anyone from your local da service for support – someone you can talk to who can help you with all your thoughts & concerns
i think the women on this forum will tell you that its because they are the ‘safe’ parent that any children can express their true feelings & emotions with you & not your abusive partner
thinking of you x

[Lionking]

Have you read ‘why does he do that?’ By lundy Bancroft. It has been my absolute bible on this journey.

It helped to put words on the “muddy” behaviour that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

Regarding the kids, I have small kids too and did lots of research on the effect of witnessing psychological trauma on children. Many children who witnessed both physical and emotional abuse of their mother grew to tell that the emotional/psychological abuse was far more damaging for them. It created girls with crippling low self esteem and boys continue the cycle.

A girl will marry their dad and a boy will become him…unless you get them out.

Sending love and strength x

[Author]

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