How can I break the trauma bond?

[Shocknawe]

It’s been almost (detail removed by moderator) with no contact. I have serious withdrawal symptoms and want (I need) to contact him – even if I project myself into the abuse. It is becoming really hard to go cold turkey and I crave a hug like a drug. I feel awful by wanting him, my rational brain knows that I must not go back but my heart is really suffering. How can I break this bond? Thank you.

[KIP.]

Try writing a list of all the abuse he did to you and how it made you feel. What you also need to know is that very often these men will take you back simply to cruelly dump you as punishment and also to make themselves feel good. Picture that happening and keep the image and the feelings that come from that. Write him a letter about how you feel about what he did to you but do not send it. It’s just for you. Think of the drug and the instant hit you get from it but that good hit is never guaranteed and it never lasts. All you will be doing is prolonging the agony. I also reported my ex to the police knowing that those bridges that were tempting to cross back over would be burned. Sometimes we need to burn those bridges so we aren’t tempted to cross back over them.

[KIP.]

Be extremely proud of that month you’ve gone no contact. It’s really difficult but you know you can do it. Start again counting from today. It will feel like day one again but that’s how it felt one month ago… you’ve got this x

[Shocknawe]

Thank you so much KIP. I am feeling the withdrawal physically – I am literally sick. I also filed a domestic violence report with the police but didn’t press charges so he doesn’t know. I also applied to Clare’s Law but since I had already left him I was not eligible. I feel like contacting his family or ex girlfriends, they don’t know me and I have no idea how they’ll react. I’m going mad. I’ll keep writing…

[KIP.]

Do not contact anyone connected to him. Write it all down. There’s nothing stopping you going back to the police with all this new information. The domestic abuse unit. Ex girlfriends etc. May well have made reports already. If they investigate there may be other victims willing to press charges and then it’s not a case of your word against his. Play the long game. Remember he’s praying you break zero contact so that he can have access to you and brutalise you again.

[Living Warrior]

I wrote myself a letter on the bad days… I told myself how stupid I would be and why… I reminded myself of every little incident and how it made me feel.. reminded myself that the nice side of him was the lie and the truth is the abuse… I kept a log of all the harrassment, screen shot all emails and messages… for evidence and so I could reread if necessary… and then I cut contact completely… and did lots to take my mind off the feelings.. I kept busy.

[Belle250]

Hi Shocknawe, apologies as I know you wrote your post a little while ago, however I just wondered how you were getting on as I’m exactly where you were back in July? The pain I’m experiencing is something I’ve never felt… Thank you

[Stressedandalone]

I feel the same way too. My ex was cheating for quite some time and he’s still with her. He hasn’t bothered with me at all and just doesn’t care. I want him to care but he just doesn’t. I think that’s what hurts the most.

[Shocknawe]

Hi Belle250, sorry for the delay.
I just saw this. I’m better, thanks. I think… I am out on holidays and the change of scenario has been very good in general. Today is not a good day and that’s why I’m in the forum. It comes and goes, but my brain is having more clarity. I am sorry you are going through this – as others said, writing down what he did works as well as feeling free. Many times if I am doing something and I miss him – I say to myself that he would probably be upset or annoyed or do anything to make the experience less enjoyable, even to the point of picking a fight. I think of that and I feel grateful that I’m not with him anymore. Take care x

[Author]

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