How can I get out?

[RainbowHope]

Hello, I hope someone can advise me on what I can do.

I don’t really know where to begin. I told my husband in (detail removed by moderator) that it was over & he took it really well. So I thought. We agreed we wouldn’t tell the children until after (detail removed by moderator), but (detail removed by moderator) later I’m still stuck in this bad marriage that I should never have got into. I’m going crazy!

Since then, he told me he has totally messed up our claim for benefits & we could end up owing thousands. He has convinced himself he’s going to prison & has been suicidal. I’ve ended up feeling guilty as he’s obviously not taken us splitting up as well as I’d thought.

He is convinced we can work it out but I’ve told him one of us has to go but the kids will be with me. I’m at a loss of what to do & my mental health is starting to suffer. Neither of us have the money to leave or anywhere we can go. We live in a council house & are both named tenants. We both have a bad credit rating although all essential bills are always paid. How can I ever get out of here? I have no friends, family or money & I feel so trapped it’s affecting my relationship with my children.

Despite him knowing that I don’t love him anymore he is constantly telling me he loves me & it feels so overwhelming I just hate it. How can I ever get out?

[Bananaboat]

Speak to the council if you’re leaving due to domestic abuse. I don’t know what your options are with the joint tenancy but they definitely support and help with domestic abuse. Have you seen what he’s done with the benefits claim? I only ask as these men lie to get our sympathy and therefore the situation may not be true or as bad as he’s making out. As you’ve found, threatening suicide has pulled on your heart strings and kept you tied to him. I’d suggest you take control of anything in your name asap.

He won’t leave, they don’t. No exaggeration. As hard as it is, you’ve got to take the lead to sort your world out but baby steps are still steps. Seek out the support available and good luck

[RainbowHope]

Thank you Banaboat. I have seen what he has done with the universal credit claim, however I am unsure of whether or not it is an issue. We had a face to face appointment at the job centre to discuss it, but they didn’t think it would be an issue. Nothing was done on their part for quite some time, so my husband started calling and using the online journal to communicate.

I feel like I’m being mentally and emotionally abused, although I know he would never see it like that.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi RainbowHope

Sorry to hear this, its so tough, and you sound desperate, understandably. What was it you were planning to do after Christmas once you had told the children? I mean what was your plan in terms of where to go, how to split up?

Your husband needs to seek his own support for his issues, once you have had this conversation of marriage end, its over, so the rest is you acting as separate people, unfortunately still under the same roof, but it sounds as though he is still very much treating you as a partner, perhaps? Sorry if I have that wrong, its just that he is no longer in a marriage and cannot look to you for anything.

That may seem harsh, but if you are separating as a result of his abuses (crimes) against you, you have to now save yourself. If he threatens suicide you’d need to contact police and advise them of this threat so that they can do a welfare check on him and any necessary follow ups to ensure he gets the support he needs, as you cannot be emotionally blackmailed by him like this, its causing you further harms, and he may well be doing it purely for that reason.

I would suggest you find as much help and support as possible for yourself. Be out of the house as much as possible to give yourself a break from it, and keep reasserting that the children need to be told (at the right point in the right way, and not if he’s going to be abused, emotionally blackmailing, or telling lies). As it was agreed you would speak to the children after christmas, as that has not happened, then take the children out somewhere yourself and have a walk and talk time with them, to explain as kindly as you can relative to their various ages, and message him to ssay that its down now [telling the children], and they need to know the truth because they will feel the dynamic continually in the house but probably be too scared to ask, or just not understand whats happening. Let them know that you are thinking about them, considering them, and concerned for how they feel so you want them to share any worries with you.

I recall the time one of my children came home happy to have sat next to another child who’s parents no longer lived together and it helped them a lot to have known this and to start to talk about it with others around her, it makes it more normal, and leads to further talks which helps them to keep offloading.

Also let their teachers know, and they can then be mindful of any behavioural changes and support them appropriately. Also your GP is a priority for you and them, so you can all access any further supports available to you. If your GP is not receptive, then its very worthwhile finding one that is, as this support is vital to you all and they may be the best resource for not only documenting how its affecting you all, but referring on to specialist services so you can access some more wrap-around care.

Do keep talking on here, it can really help for your sense of support, but also for you to start processing everything and making decisions, which will give you back control of your life, and help you to know you are not alone in this, that your situation will be akin to all our situations in so many ways.

warmest wishes

ts

[RainbowHope]

Thank you Twisted Sister. I really don’t know where I (or he) was going to go. I feel emotionally abused. He did seek help for his suicidal thoughts and is under the mental health team, but he is unknowingly making me feel so guilty for wanting to split because he has supposedly been in a bad place for a long time now. This isn’t the case, there were warning signs before we even got together and I should have gone with my gut instinct and stayed away.
I have spoken to the primary school teachers about the issues at home and they have said they haven’t noticed any different behaviour at school, however, my confidence in the school is low as they have never really helped before.
I have had conversations with the children, although not directly said I want him to go. They know things are not as they should be as even my middle child said why don’t you do us all a favour and divorce him.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi You can’t help him, and although its natural that you may feel guilt, as you can see that his is taking his mental health seriously and seeking his own support for it, and doesn’t know that it is making you feel guilty, its difficult to know whether he is saying this to make you feel guilty.

Its very hard to know whats real and whats lies with an abuser, but you can’t take on his guilt and shame for what he’s done in abusing you, thats on him.

Have you tried speaking to someone like Step-Change, they can give you independent financial advice about your situation, it might be a way forward, they could help you understand any potential liabilities you have and put plans in place to assist you through any debt difficulties, but it does sound like he may have got this wrong, that you won’t be owing thousands? Best to ask them?

Once you have your information, and further supports you can work out your plans.

I wonder if one of the children’s bedrooms is large enough for you to put another bed in? or to sell your shared bed and get two singles which you can put on either side of the room? You could even screen off an area round your bed for yourself, for some privacy. I hope he doesn’t pretend that everything is ok and still demand a physical relationship from you. Just keep asserting plans as already agreed that its over, providing you are safe to do that.

The school may have a help? Someone who works with the children when there is difficulty at home, you could ask, or look through their website for this specific role and make contact withthem to give your children additional support. Even your children are wanting him gone, and this is a huge red flag to be waving, as often children will be loathe to be separated from their father even when there is terrible abuse.

warmest wishes

ts

[Tea-and-biscuits]

Might sound a bit personal. Are you in the same bedroom ? I’m lucky enough to have space so I’m in my (detail removed by moderator) empty room. I think it helped him realise it was over. He wouldn’t leave so I am. But couldn’t live the lie of sleeping next to him .

[RainbowHope]

Hi Tea-and-biscuits. Unfortunately we are still in the same room and I hate it. Unfortunately this seems the only option as the sofa is too small. I spend as little time as possible in there with him, making sure I go to bed very early so I can be up early and out of his way. I know it is far from ideal and I feel physically sick being in the same bed.

[Tea-and-biscuits]

Or I can imagine.. I have been out since (removed by moderator) and I’m loving it. Before I was staying up late to avoid him or having extremely long baths just to avoid him. I found while I was in the same room he thought he could hug me or try it on . He didn’t get I didn’t want to be with him. It took me to actually leave for him to get it

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