How can I help my son?

[itmustbemesurely]

My ex left our family home, but the abuse continued, the suicide threats, the abusive language, the pushes, the shouting, crying, the anger….my children were aware of this, indeed the reason I asked him to leave was to protect them. The abusive language and name calling continues albeit by email, but my teenage son has dreadful anxiety, as do I, and I don’t know what to do? School are being great, but my ex is blaming me saying I am a bad mother and talk to them about what’s happened, indeed is happening, he calls me all the names under the sun, and yet in the next minute says we should be civil for the sake of the children, how can you be civil to someone who treats you this way, someone who calls you a b***h and a c*** and thinks they have done no wrong.He is happy now apparently and looking forward to his future, is better mentally and won’t go back over how he behaved because that would be bad for him.

I try no contact but he sees the children (detail removed by moderator) , and I have to ask for maintenance which he holds over me, threatens not to pay unless I behave a certain way, any advice on how I can move forward…my heart is breaking for my son, we have lost our home because of my ex’s financial abuse, have no idea where we will live…I don’t engage with Ex but he has left me a shadow of myself, shaking, scared, fearful, crying, and I feel I am letting my children down, maybe I am a bad mother, with them I am calm and do my best I have a good, honest, loving relationship with them both but I am so so worried about my boy x*x

[KIP.]

Hi there. I’m sorry to hear his abuse continues but not surprised. Absolute zero contact is the only way you’re ever going to achieve peace and help your son. If he sees you being strong and refusing contact he will know he has every right to do the same. Each point of contact comes with abusive mind games. Get everything done through court/solicitor so access is in place same time every (detail removed by moderator). There is no reason to contact you between time. In an emergency give him a third parties number. You have every right to refuse contact with someone who destroys your mental health. What’s more he gets his power from your distress. If he tries other means of contact or turns up then ring the police x time to take your gloves off. Enough is enough. He is not your responsibility x

[itmustbemesurely]

Thanks KIP, he has blocked me from every type of communication apart from email and contacts my son directly – he is a teenager. he has a new much younger girlfriend, says he is happy and it’s perfect, if it is why does he continue to want to destroy me??

[Shipoffools]

Bless you….please dont be hard on yourself. An abuser is in control of his own actions…trust me. I agree with KIP zero contact. At least emails are great as evidence for a solicitor if he’s abusive in them too.
Would he pay children maintenance directly into yr bank account by standing order…? He will enjoy making you ‘roll over’ for it unfortunately. I’m sorry you’ve lost your home can Womens Aid help with housing Advice & benefit entitlements if you need help? Would it be better for your son not to have contact with dad if dad is causing distress? Would you’re son speak up? There is counselling for children and young adults via referral fm doctors too…ignore yr ex verbal rubbish…he wants to get in your head/upset you that’s all…good luck

[itmustbemesurely]

thanks Shipoffools, he has limited contact with his Dad, who refuses to set up a standing order for maintenance – just for control of course, he is a bully but he is now really happy he says and it makes me angry we are left with the aftermath, I am going to the GP tomorrow to speak to them about how both me and my son feel. I am aware it’s atypical of abusive behaviour, casting blame and not facing up to anything thinking he’s always right. I have to continue to stay strong and not engage at all with him, he is now love bombing his next victim, he is taking her away whilst he never did that for his children, it’s hard to rise above when the people are love the most are struggling because of his actions, although it’s my fault of course like everything is

[KIP.]

Hi there. My ex love bombed his new gf while trying to make his son and I homeless. They are despicable human beings and I feel your pain. The only way I could deal with him was through the solicitors and I would advise you to go straight to a solicitor and let her fight for your maintenance. Dealing with an abuser will get you nowhere. Try to tell yourself and your son that your self worth doesn’t depend on validation from an abuser and it’s ok to walk away from someone who gets pleasure from seeing you distressed. Women’s Aid were a huge support to me. There’s also the NSPCC helpline. It will take time but you will build a bigger and better life for yourself which will last long after his latest honeymoon phase is well and truly over. Hang in there. I look back at that painful time and think that he was a total and utter heartless monster and it just reminds me that I did the right thing getting away from him x

[Twisted Sister]

Dear itmustbemesurely

Block him from everything love. Especially your head. Forget any responsibility you might have felt for him and although it might take time keep a clean large gap between you so he has now way of access.

KIP is right about no contact it is the only way forward and contact with your son can be managed without your involvement.

You don’t have to listen to his rubbish and lies about how happy he is now, he is no different at all just in a different phase of abuse with her sadly.

Get your supports, and step by step keep pushing your own way, safely for you and your son

Warmest wishes ts

[itmustbemesurely]

thanks for your kind words, it’s odd because now I just feel overwhelmed with everything, like my body is dealing with shock rather than living on adrenaline like it was for years..is that normal I can literally feel the stress and tension so goodness knows how hard it must be for my boy, it breaks my heart and I stupidly thought he would be better once his dad left but he is suffering more – like a shock too I guess xx

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