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Am really struggling trying to pretend to be an happy family with abuse going on.. about (Detail removed by moderator) years.
I work full time and we have children, he works. I literally pay everything and do everything. He is very controlling, financially sexually and emotional. I cannot do anything on my own with friends or family. I’ve to ask all time. I’m living a nightmare behind close doors. I really do not want to be with him at all. I have no family in my town or close friends for help
He won’t leave and I cannot just up and leave with kids regards disruption of their school and my work. Why can’t we just split up. What can I dodo without getting services or police invovled or shall i -
Dear Balloon,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting. I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through, which is significant domestic abuse and control. It must be so exhausting living this way as well as working full time and everything that being a mum involves.
The problem is that abusers do not let women just split up normally nor do they leave of their own accord, because they want to retain power and control. So it’s all about you gathering support and information, without him knowing, and making a plan to separate safely. There are different ways to do this. If you don’t want to leave the area because of your children, which is understandable, you could slowly start saving up to rent a different property, if this is something you feel able to do. You could also contact your local housing department, you would need to tell them you are experiencing domestic abuse. Doing it is this way can work but you have to be prepared that he may try to continue the abuse if you remain in the area, so you would need support regarding child contact and protecting yourself after you’ve left.
Getting the right specialist support can really help, you can chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence (open every day) on our Live Chat Service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. They won’t put on any pressure to report to the police or refer to social services.
You could also get in touch with your local domestic abuse service. They can offer ongoing emotional and practical support and signpost you for legal advice, which could be helpful.
You might also find it helpful to read through our Survivor’s Handbook section about making a safety plan and planning to leave.
Keep Posting,
Lisa
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You have just described my life !
I pay for everything , work, children , i put on this act of Happiness to protect my children make excuse for his behaviour. And I just couldn’t do it , slowly my children see the truth and it breaks my heart there not getting the childhood they deserve .
It’s been years my mask has come off and the abuse gets worse
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Children see and feel more than we realise. I thought I was putting on that mask and protecting them but my teenage daughter thankfully broke that spell for me. They only get one childhood and you only get one childhood with them, I realised my ex was ruining theirs (birthdays, Christmas, days out – my daughter even asked me not to (detail removed by moderator) as he always did something to spoil them, that was a lightbulb moment).
This last year I’ve been on a real journey thanks to the support on this forum and now I’m almost out. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. You deserve better and if you wait for them to leave, you’ll be waiting forever. Do what you need to do for you, baby steps are just fine (as long as you’re all safe) x*x
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Honestly don’t know what to do. He won’t budge and I don’t wanna get people invovled, don’t want it all to jepodise my children school and my work as I work (detail removed by moderator). I can’t leave as I live month to month paying for everything. I have no family around me and no close friends to speak about this..
Is it really going to that hard
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You could speak to the council and say that you are having a relationship breakdown – without mentioning DV – and that you sleep in separate bedrooms/share with a child… in my area, they then count you as having shared facilities and allow you to join the housing register to bid on social housing properties.
It takes longer to get housed this way than if you tell then you are experiencing DV but you also then don’t have to worry about the involvement of other agencies, if that makes sense?
Alternatively, you could book an appointment with CAB and speak to them. They are really helpful and trained in these kinds of situations. They should be able to advise you of your options, and it doesn’t seem as stressful or dire as speaking to a specific DV charity.
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I’ve been on the council list for (detail removed by Moderator) years as siblings sharing. They dont see it a problem. Renting with estate agents or private are ridiculous now. I work fulltime but doesn’t make a difference as majority will know price increases are insane. I could tell them relationship breakdown.. but it’s that worry and scare of what will happen. Wish I could click my fingers and he be gone. Just co parent. He wil make my life more of a hellhole. Just the starting pint of it all scares me. I can provide on my own and for my children. We basically live like am a single parent.
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I’m the same. I am like a single parent already. I do everything. Financially I’ll be better off without him.
I would urge you to talk to the council housing department to discuss it… You can allude to the DV without expressly saying so (I did this and they got the point). It was quite obvious who the unreasonable party is.
Could you also check whether you are eligible to any benefit if single parent even though you work full time? There are websites that help calculate this such Entitledto and Turn2Us… I think that’s their names.
I am very scared and worried about the co-parenting as it is the only thing that will link us and I can’t escape. Part of me wishes he’d just find a new supply… a new woman and then he’d lose interest in our child.
Mine is super vindictive/scheming and I can only imagine how he’ll be when I’m living separately. He already bad mouths me to mutual friends and family… he’s controlled me for a long while on the basis that he will potentially try to destroy my character as he’s made a lot of threats about this.
I’ve started to worry less about that now as anyone with an ounce of sense who knows me will know that what he is saying is rubbish or doesn’t make any sense itself… also people who don’t know me but know him have seen a pattern of behaviour from him before in relationships… most of them will realise it’s him and he’s not right… and if they don’t, I don’t actually care as they mean nothing to me.
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Once again.. getting nowhere!
I’ve all the texts, messages emails of his behaviour towards me as proof of what he like…
He thinks am not gonna manage without him, sorry but what do you provide? I provide for house and kids 100% all my wages, he lives here n doesn’t pay a single thing other than he mobile.. yet he works 60+ hours week…Managed (removed by moderator)yearsof this teen sweethearts as u would call it HAHAH.. not so much
I’m going to tell the council even though am petrified of the outcome incase other agencies get inbovled. Am a respectable working mum. He can’t be civil he can’t realise what’s he is doing is wrong.. basically when n children should be seen n not heard… we’re in 21st b****y century not 1500s
Rant over
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Hioneslty at my wits end. Working 2 jobs being a parent. Putting on a brave face am literally dying Inside! I’ve cried all morning no motivation in anything feel like am a failure as a parent.
Where do I start to talk n tell someone am so scared
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Did you speak to the council? Living with domestic abuse makes you eligible for help as ‘being at risk of homelessness’, if you’re already on the council list it will most likely increase your banding. Most councils now allocate based on band and the date you joined the list. Have you spoken to either woman’s aid or refuge’s online chat teams? How about talking to your GP?
Talking to social services seems really scary, one of my first ever posts on here was about that and what on earth to expect, but the lady was lovely, very supportive, explained my options and the decision whether to go via them or not was upto me. Then you have the choice to speak with the police but again that can be very daunting.
You don’t have to stay living like this. You will actually be better off mentally and financially without the abuser. You’re strong, these men only choose strong women, and you’ve survived this far, you can do this – there’s a better life waiting for you don’t give up! x
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Hello Balloon,
I can feel the despair in your posts. Have you tried speaking to Womens Aid at all? Either on the Helpline number that Lisa mentioned, or locally to you? I really strongly recommend that you do this as they can can talk you through your options. They won’t actually get involved, they won’t DO anything to make you feel at risk, but the main thing they will do is help you feel supported, less alone. They can talk to you about your rights and your options and how best to start making tiny steps towards making your life better.
So many of us here have been where you are now, many still are. You are not alone, absolutely not, but it’s very easy to feel that you are. Please please take this first step of making contact.
Let us know how you get on. X*x
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A year has past since I first contacted womens aid.. yes I’m still in same position… am worn down! I have now contacted my local DA for advice.. its going to be a long road to get him out of the house. But I mentally and emotionally cant go on anymore.. I’m scared of getting agencies invovled. Scared my kids will be taken.. scared of the outcome. Just want something in place to say he has to leave.. 🙄😭
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2 years has passed! Guess what still in same boat.. seriously how does people get out of these situations. Its not physical so not nessercary for police to get invovled. He won’t leave at all.. and I am stuck in house with kids no family or friends in the area. I pay for it all when we both work. Am sooooo drained do I ite the bullet and get local.services/housing invovled..
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Do you have a joint tenancy? The advice now or rights of women websites have fact sheets/ booklets about divorce and separation and your rights regarding joint tenancy/ ownership. Also maybe ring around some solicitors. They sometimes will offer an hours free consultation so you can explain your situation and see what your options are. Some solicitor also do fixed fee appointments. (detail removed by moderator)
Stay strong we are rooting for you. Don’t berate yourself, you are doing the best you can. Its really hard.
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Yes it’s a joint tenancy. I’ve already been moved up the banding system and children share and put that it would mw myself and just the children when we do finally gwt a bigger house. But in this house it’s us both on tenancy. I’ve emailed council the situation so just awaiting for their response about relationship breakdown with DV invovled. My children are feeling it now there in the Young teens stage and no what’s what. They protect em and never want to be left alone.
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I understand how you feel. I’ve been living like this for years. When I resigned into this account I found a post I wrote 5 years ago & it made me cry.
It all came to a head a few weeks ago when someone called the police to my house. That was the final straw for me. He was extremely abusive to our daughter & smashed a door in. I am now trying to find somewhere to rent with my 2 teenagers. Our son adores his Dad but our daughter hates him. She’s now going to counselling through school. I always said that if it was just me & her I’d have left years ago. I’ve messed up her childhood & I will never forgive myself for that. My son at times talks to me exactly the way his Dad does & I need to break the cycle. The men in his family seem to have a problem with women.
I’m feeling really down today because every house I look at has so many others looking at it.
My salary is very low & I will get UC but it’s making me do cross that he’ll be sitting not worrying about money while I’ll be watching every penny. My monthly salary is what he can almost earn in a week.
I can’t give up now though. I have to keep going. Keep posting x
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