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Hi all.
We’re (no, sorry, HE’S) currently in the ‘honeymoon’ period of the cycle – again 🙁
My story – Met and married him within (detail removed by moderator)mths. Now have a couple of kids still of school age. Been through this cycle 1000’s of times, Court visits, authorities involved blah blah blah.
So, There was a huge argument (detail removed by moderator) night over…….well, as usual nothing.. I said I’d had enough. I said I can’t carry on like this anymore. He gave the usual response of ‘if you don’t like it do something about it’.
We were meant to be on a family evening out that he’d promised the children they could go to. The kids new there was a fun fair, games and stalls with goodies for the kids but as soon as they asked to play something or have an ice-cream he told them that they were spoilt, ungrateful kids who didn’t deserve anything and that why didn’t they ask mummy to pay?? He obviously said this knowing full well that, as usual, I’d paid two utility bills from MY wages the previous day!
I don’t know where it came from but I just blurted out that I wanted him to go! He was quite shocked by this, and started the usual ‘oh, here we go again.(detail removed by moderator)
I asked him if he was truly happy in our relationship – which he replied, ‘well it’s hard to be because you’re such a miserable cow -(detail removed by moderator) he repeated the question again adding, ‘You’re ending our marriage?’
Again, I replied ‘Yes’ and with that he walked off shouting ‘That’s it, I’m going and I won’t be back’ leaving me and the children in finding our own way home.
We finally got home nearly an hour later and unexpectedly he was at the house – I thought he would have headed to the nearest drinking hole. I ignored all of his questions and said we were not doing this now (kids in the room). He wouldn’t leave it, so I put the kids into bed.
He again told me how everything is my fault, that I expect far too much from him (ha…asking him to contribute financially and take responsibility for OUR kids and try to find regular work or at least help around the house! – I know, it’s a lot to ask of a partner/husband isn’t it lol). He also said that I needed to make more of an effort in our marriage.
Anyway, I continually said that I’m fed up of going round and round in circles, him promising to do more, find work etc. He was getting louder and louder, and I asked him why he was shouting at me. He said he had to shout because I’m too stupid to just listen to him. I told him that if he continued shouting at me I wasn’t continuing with the conversation. So, he continues shouting so I just got into bed and closed my eyes. He follows me, still shouting, accusing me of this, that and the other. Starting every sentence with ‘The problem with you is……….’. So this goes on for another 45mins or so……..(detail removed by moderator)I continue to be unresponsive. Then he tries to cuddle up to me which makes me cringe and I shuffle to the edge of the bed – well, with that he jumps out of bed calling me a fat, miserable b***h heading downstairs. Halfway down he stops and shouts ‘give me until the weekend and I’ll be gone.’
Next morning, I’m up and out before him or the kids are up. When I get home, it’s like none of the night before happened. He’s got tea on, the kids have done some holiday homework………
It’s been like this all week now. Him being extremely nice and helping more. He was even telling the kids about going to a theme park this weekend!!
My problem is this. I know he won’t leave the house. He has no friends as such and nowhere else to go. On previous occasions he has gone to his mothers but that is not an option now. He says he can’t afford to rent his own place – funny, because he’s always got enough money for beer, gambling and takeaways for one!
The rental contract for the house is in my name but that’s only because we live in a small area where nobody will rent to him because he is an unreliable tenant!
I work locally and I don’t want to have to completely move out of the area, change the kids school, clubs and friends.
I just don’t know what to do or how to get rid of him – help!!!!!!!!!! -
First of all well done for posting on here and seeing the dynamic and knowing its too much for you. He’s the classic patterns of an abuser. The first step in the process of leaving your abusive relationship is getting support from us ladies who have dealt with the same behaviours from our abusers. Also I would ring Women’s Aid for support. You have a great attitude and see him for what he is. We will help you with the many emotions you will experience as you try to get free from your abusive relationship.
Keep posting. Keep reading the other posts and read ‘Why does he do that, getting inside the minds of angry and controlling men ?’ by Lundy Bancroft.
Welcome to the Forum. Your feisty attitude and sense of humour will help us too.
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The first thing that comes to my mind is that you need to call Rights of Women to get legal advice.
You can hand in the divorce whilst he still lives with you.
You should inform the police, because he could become dangerous to your lives. Maybe the police can remove him if you make a silent 999 call when he shouts at you again. That would be the best way to get rid of him. Then change the locks and get an occupation and non molestation order.
A man like this can only be dealt with fiercely.
He is a parasite and will be hanging on your neck forever and make your life miserable if you keep him. -
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Thanks for all of your responses girls. I slept so well last night for just getting things off my chest.
One of my main issues is that I actually live outside of the UK where the rules here for DV are very different! He has previously been arrested twice and injunctions have been taken out where he is not allowed anywhere near me and visitation for the kids has been arranged through a third person. I actually started a legal separation as that was the only way they could make him pay maintenance.
Foolishly, after almost (detail removed by moderator) months and promises of things changing (and he actually appeared as if things were getting better by finding a more permanent job), he slowly worked his way back into the house. He started paying the maintenance……..but once he moved back in any financial contribution for either the kids or the house quickly stopped!
I’m more cross and disappointed with myself than I am with him for being taken in AGAIN……URRGHHHHHHHHHHH.I woke up to 101 questions this morning. All of these were asked because he knew I’d taken the kids to the park for a while as he’d obviously seen us. (detail removed by moderator)
He finished his shift around (detail removed by moderator). He laid next to me in bed whispering how much he loves me and the kids and that we mean the world to him!
He also promised the kids that we could go to a theme park this weekend – I’m assuming that’ll mean it will cost me a small fortune as he won’t pay and if I say we can’t afford to go he tells the kids it’s my fault and mummy’s so grumpy and miserable. They don’t appreciate the money said of things – why should they, they’re only small kids and are just excited about having a fun day out :-/
I’ve registered with a couple of new rental agents this morning but it’s not looking hopeful as there are not too many properties within my price range available in my area or nearby. I even considered renting a studio apartment just to get away but I know I wouldn’t be able to leave without my kids. I’d feel very selfish and as if I am abandoning the kids.
I’ve tried changing the locks before but he’ll just turn up at all hours hammering and banging on the door. I live by a lot of curtain twitcher’s lol. Because I just ignore him, he now shouts for the children and says he needs to talk to them. They get frightened and just tell him to go away but he turns it all around and says that I’ve been poisoning their minds.
I also feel that why should I have to leave the family home that I’VE paid 90% for to make sure we have a roof over our heads? It’s a nice home, in a nice area where the kids have always gone to school. I don’t have many friends (he doesn’t allow that!) but at least I can take the kids out and about after school so they can meet up with their friends to play and I socialise a little with the other mums.
Oh well, today’s another day. Hopefully he’ll just pack a bag and disappear – I know there’s more chance of me winning the Euromillions but hey ho!
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What you describe does not sound so much different from the UK. They seem to be pretty quick with actions, which is good. As anywhere else women take the abusers back. That is our story.
But now you have seen his behaviour and that it will not get better.
Now is the time to get him out.
Call the police on him.
As he had an injunction already you should be able to get him removed with police force, change the lock, call the police if he bangs on the door.
You need to be hard with him. He does not understand any soft language.
A typical abuser … -
Hi Tweetiepie,
Thank you for your posts. I am so pleased you have found the forum and that you have got some good support. You sound like a very strong lady but your husband sounds very abusive. I hope that posting here is a first step to you and your children living a life free from abuse. As you are not in England it is hard for us to give relevant advice as to professional support and what laws may help you but please do have a look at http://www.hotpeachpages.net to find some appropriate support in your country.
Please do keep posting and let us know how you are getting on. You and your children really deserve to be happy and free from abuse.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator
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