How can I move into a refuge?

[Wheninrome]

So the advice is to move into a refuge which I completely understand and support but I just can’t bring myself round to do it, I have 3 children all in education pre-school, infants and secondary my son (age removed by moderator) due to start his GCSEs next year and I can’t possibly take him out of his school and put that at jeopardy, I haven’t really got the ball rolling, well more I’ve stopped it but just wondered if any of you have any advise on what you done regarding older children, there is no physical abuse or verbal abuse that my children are witnessing and I try and keep them away from anything that will harm them but we still need to leave!!

[ILoveMusic]

Hi WhenInR,

What an awful dilemma – so sorry you are going through this. As far as I am aware some Refuge’s take teenage boys and some don’t – so if this is the route you do take it’s something you would need to check with them first. Assume he won’t leave?…

The stock answer to women who are being forced to leave their accommodation in the UK is to go to a Refuge – One size does not fit all though does it. If I do this I am forced to give up my job – you cannot work and be in a Refuge. I have been met with..’well how bad is it at home?…risk assessment is ‘high risk’ …If you are ‘choosing’ to stay and continue to be abused for the sake of a job and refusing to go to a Refuge then we can’t help you…’..So, my option is to source private rented accommodation – you need a few grand to do this. Council’s do nothing – although in your case would provide emergency accomm as you have children ie B&B or something short term of such ilk. It’s a minefield and adds to the entire stress of it all.

If you have money, then my advice would be to find a place for yourself and your children. Wishing you luck and keep posting as to how things progress for you..XX

[Wheninrome]

I just can’t put my children through the prospect that their education may have to change, they are all settled and don’t want to pull them away from everything they know.

nope not working, he works and does overtime which prevents me from working i can’t afford childcare and am basically in the house 24/7 no friends no family nothing I’m very very sheltered.

I have no money at all as he has all the money and it gets filtered out to me if i need to purchase something, I’ve opened my own bank account today which is ‘the beginning’ its just finding funds to put in it so i can go, even though i don’t see this ever happening.

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Wheninrome,

Having your own bank account is a great positive move…If I had the funds I would hand them over to you – alas people like me who would give money freely (and have done many times) are thin on the ground I’m afraid..it’s another weapon in the arsenal of control to be used against us. Plus, and this is a fact, people are greedy and hold on tight to pieces of paper with the queen’s face on it 😉

I understand your need to keep your children where they are for schools etc and I defy anyone to suggest otherwise – they are not walking in your shoes and have no idea how you are juggling and trying to hold things together…I for one admire you.

A common theme with abused women seems to be that they are isolated and family is not there to help..sending you strength!! X

[Miles]

I had a similar dilemma
I didn’t want to go into a refuge simply because I lived in a mother and baby hostel when I was (detail removed by Moderator) with my first son and refuse to live in one with my now youngest son at the age of (detail removed by Moderator) I just can’t do it
And to top it off being told it could be far away forget it
I called my local IDVA got advice
Then called housing advice have an appointment next week hoping to get on to help to let scheme where I can rent private and move that way
Fingers crossed

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Miles,

Yeah definitely fingers crossed for you. Our choices in the UK are so limited and the biggest hurdle any of us face is finding a safe roof over our heads…the abuse is horrific, the accommodation issue is in some way harder to deal with. Reaching a decision to escape then finding we have nowhere to go except a Refuge – sorry state of affairs for the 6th richest economy on earth isn’t it. Women are failed on multiple levels with accommodation taking the number one slot. If I had cash I would’ve been gone months ago – I don’t – the abuse has escalated – getting over the monster…missing the monster…caring 2 c**ps what he does once I’m gone is of NO importance to me whatsoever – but finding my own safe space is like climbing Mount Everest with leaden boots.

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