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I thought I was having a really strong couple of days. But I’ve just been left so very confused now. I’d forgotten to tell my bank I had to move, honestly didn’t think of it because it’s all electronic and they never send any mail, but just got an angry phone call from them to verify my address and then found one of my cards had been frozen, the other cancelled. The one cancelled was my credit card that I haven’t used anyway so not like there’s a debt there, but there is money on the other one but they need to verify my address first which I’ve done now by sending picture of proof of address so that’s all sorted, but it did give me a moment to just look at my past statements. And I’m just confused. I had to pay £x*x every month to my ex to cover rent, half all bills, and my share of food and x amount towards date nights (that never happened). I had to do the food shopping via a delivery service my ex had chosen and I’ve logged in and checked past bills and we would get one delivery every week and if my half and his half of what we set aside for food each month is put together, there’d still be quite a lot of money left over from that for every month after these deliveries, in fact what I was paying nearly covered all of those deliveries in itself. And then I look at my bank statements. Every week going to the shops for milk, bread, cereal, couple of dinners, all paid on my card. And no, he never went to buy any groceries – that would require effort or stopping when driving past a shop. It’s hundreds of pounds each month I’ve looked at so far now that I’ve doublepaid.
I earned more than my ex but I was always the one struggling to save up for holidays. No wonder when I was paying for his food all along. And he even said I’d be proving I was a golddigger if I left the relationship when his plans about marriage changed. Some golddigger I was.
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Darling AS, you are strong! You’ve got out, so that’s proof of your strength.
This realisation of his financial abuse and your blindness to it stings; it really cuts to the quick, but it is a good pain; a healthy pain, I think. It’s healthy because you are seeing straight. It’s good because it’s honest. It’s powerful because it will protect you from ever being fleeced again, by him or by anyone.
Do be aware that you have been making his life very comfortable indeed and he will miss that hugely. He will miss your money and your generosity and your gullibility. It’s likely he will try to hoover you back up using shame or pity or pretty words.
Do continue to be strong. You don’t have to explain why you left to him or to anyone else he might manipulate, so don’t be drawn in.
And darling? Do make sure he can’t access any of your accounts: change PINs and passwords and keep checking balances to be sure he isn’t dipping in or setting up new debts in your name.
It might be a good time to set up a new account for your earning to go into – even with a new bank.
Was he ever left alone with your phone or computer? Consider whether he may have installed malware to monitor keystrokes or track your phone. More than half of abusers are known to do this!
Well done on getting out!
Flower x
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Infuriating; but you trusted him at that time, you were sharing, thought you were contributing half and this was fair. There was no need for you to question it at that time.
I paid for pretty much everything and when I wanted a family holiday, he was no support, he wasnt bothered about family holidays in the slightest, so I took on extra hours to make this happen. My resentment grew over time and became one of the many reasons why I didnt want to be with him anymore. He literally did 15hrs a week on the national minimum wage and never did over time even though it was available, why? Because I guess in his mind he thought I don’t have to, she earns enough for us, why bust a gut, I’d rather spend my time pleasing myself. He was never interested in making things better or easier for the family, he was quite happy with surviving only – which meant if I wanted things for the family it was always down to me – what a fool hey – we dont see it like this though do we, at the time it’s sharing.
When he decided to go back into education to study one of those degrees with absolutely no job prospects at the end of it and thus quit his job, this was the begining of the end. I simply couldnt carry the load any longer on top of being miserable and putting up with the abuse. He was a strong force, that could not be reasoned with, driven by his own selfish needs only. To this day I don’t get half of what it costs to raise our child – but I’ve let that go; the state says ‘this is what he can afford’ based on his income (although I know he doesnt declare all of it – but the tax man doesnt seem interested, too small fish I guess), so this is all we get, a measley amount that nowhere near covers half, we have a far from extravagant lifestyle too; but it does leave me with a sense of pride that mum is taking care of things for her, with little to no help at all from him. She will see this one day, everything I have done for her and how little he has, how I have always been there – I hope.
I am truly glad to be rid of him; I hope you are too AS, despite the cost; we live and learn hey. Won’t happen again. Don’t let this effect your kind, generous heart, be kind and generous anyway, but guess for me, and I suspect you now too, we won’t suffer fools again will we x*x
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I’ve been wanting to reply to your kind answeres, but I’m p*****. I gave EVERYTHING. I moved a long way away – for hiim, so that he might get his precious job that he sure as s*** doesn’t deserve. I gave up the beginning of what would have been a wonderful career – so I could go be with him. I gave up friend after friend after friend because he’d either tell me to or threaten them and when I finally made a friend in this new unfamiliar place I was living in, he made a threat against her husband if I were to continue speaking with her. Always threats of being in ttrouble with the law. He had to hold his spitting and screaming sister back from me at one point, and who did he threaten with prison? ME!!!!! Because apparently his sister had been scared I would assault her – and if I didn’t apologise to his sister, I would have to give up my mother. And I f****** believed it, I believed it all like the stupid cow he always called me. If I got a bonus for doing well at work? I had to pay the next f****** holiday but the one time he paid for a holiday in all the many years we were together, it was held over me as if I that one time hadn’t paid my share was some massive big deal so I ended up paying for another 2 holidays and it still was used against me. There’s no f*********** logic anywhere. He would keep a spreadsheet and score my f****** cooking and yea he’d score his own cooking but what does it matter when I get 2s and 3s and he scores himself 9s and 10s!??!?! I can tell you exactly how many times he used the hoover – because every single of the few times he would send a picture of a few strands of my long hair from the carpet and complain that it was so inconvenient for me to shed hair on the carpet. And then I had to cut my hair to a design he chose. And then I had to dye it to a colour he chose. And then one friend of the past who somehow kept refusing to give up on me sent a photo of my ex’s ex. With my new hair we looked exactly alike. What is up with that! I’m gonna f****** dye my hair back if I can. And then there are the times where I would be a few minutes early in coming home. And he would sometimes have me standing there outside the door listening to women moaning on the inside – just because I was early. I don’t care if it’s a recording or not, who wouldn’t be upset having to wait outside their own door because they were early but that wasn’t enough for him no. Sometimes had to sit for hours listening to him telling me to imagine all the things he would do with his female colleagues, how it was okay to pretend to be one of them’s husband so he could rescue her when she became too flirtatous with strangers. And then I’m the one with the problem for not being okay with him going on holidays with her??? He’s not gonna hoover me back in. He’s under bail to not contact me, and I hope he will never be allowed to talk to me ever again but even if he could contact me, he won’t – cause then he’d have to stop playing the victim, which is truly a remarkable and Oscar-worthy performance. He took everything I had to give, all I wanted in return was love and a happy life with marriage and children, is that really so much to ask for??? I have had a headache for 2½ years now from all the d*** headbutts he gave me, my teeth are chipped and broken, my jaw doesn’t close properly because of all the time he tried to smother me, and all the times I said no and he put things and fingers and whatnot where I said no!!! I had no where to go, I had no one in the end. I wish I could tell you what he does for a living, what he’s still allowed to do even now. It’s so unfair, it’s not even about the money, it’s about him just abusing me in one more way. And I’m just too angry to be nice and comforting right now. I’m sorry.
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What you’ve been through is a living nightmare. So it’s incredibly brave of you to report him. Perhaps when the police look further into this his employers will have to be notified. No wonder you’re angry. When I think back to how I was abused, I just didn’t recognise it as abuse. Why would the man who loved me, my life partner and father of my child who held a very high profile job protecting the public, why would he deliberately set out to destroy me, to rape and abuse in every way possible. That kind of person hadn’t and didn’t exist in my world. Why would he. It just never made sense until I found women’s aid. I would urge you to get their support going forward. It’s good you’re angry. It took me a long time to feel anything after my ex was arrested. Anger is good. Anger gets us moving. Don’t stay in anger, move on to action. Action is moving forward, getting good therapy in place, rekindling old relationships, looking after your own personal care. Keep posting for support. You are not alone to be abused in this way. My ex stole tens of thousands from me. It just never occurred to me when he took my bank card off me and took over looking after the finances that he would be emptying our bank account. Why would it. We love and trust them. No experience is wasted if we learn from it x
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Hi AS, you’ve clearly had the most terrible time, endured his appaulling abuse for many years. I agree with KIP, get angry, this is very much needed, it’s helping you to see things how they really were. You are well and truly good to be shot of this low life. I used to say my ex should come with a government health warning, like a packet of cigs! This man sounds like he should be branded for all to see!
It’s discomforting to find out these men go for similar women, I’ve noticed this as well, ‘all’ of his ex’s are petite blondes, and they’re all working professionals as well that earn good money and can take care of him and the home. Shows us they see us as little more than sexual objects I guess; and a meal ticket.
Bizarrely, I’ve had a headache for years as well, not sustianed through injuries like yours though, from living with stress and distress for too long. I also have fibromyalgia, pain in my joints and nerves. Yoga, exercise and meditation has helped me a great deal, just recently I have had a few days pain free. It has taken me a few years, but now I’m feeling the benefits at last as my health is improving. These things have helped me with the anger too. I used to be spitting like you and for a long time, was completely consumed with the anger to the point it made me ill. Get angry yes, but don’t let it consume you, channel it into exercise if you can; and talk, talking it out and through is essential.
From what you’ve said about your head it sounds like you may also need some physio or a specialist – have you seen the GP about this?
Yes you gave him everything, still wasn’t enough was it. That’s because it was always doomed from the outset, only it took us a long time to figure this out, because there was nothing you could do to change him; he destroyed the relationship and in the process he almost destroyed you too – almost – not quite though hey. Do what you need to do and get through; grow and learn; take really good care of you; and you will rise from this, you will live life being true to yourself always from here on in, because you won’t settle for any less than this nor being with those who don’t love and treasure you just for being you; you’re going to be stronger and wiser than ever before and get the life you want; get that career or job you want, when you feel ready there’s nothing stopping you from picking this up again.
Decide how you want life to be and chip away. Big hugs AS, come on, you can do this x
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PS, the victim act and oscar winning performance – made me chuckle how elequently and perfectly you summed him up here – and can so relate – can drive a person insane though hey, I totes hear where you are coming from here. Same. I learnt that he will do and say and carry on however he likes, and I have absolutely no control over this, but what I can do is control my thoughts and stop myself spiralling into feeling the dreadful emotions that go with these thoughts. I practised putting this out of my mind, not getting invested in it, and eventually, I got there. This really really got to me, it has little to no effect on me these days. I see him and that’s all that matters. I also know my truth. I know that he will never have a forfilling life, that a person simply cant go through life as he does and feel ok or good about himself – just not possible. I assume the position and mental state of ‘let him get on with it’ ‘Focus on you (me)’ and it really does work and help. The people who love me know me – the rest, who cares, it’s up to them what they think. If people want to belive what he says then more fool them – cant stop this can we – we’re also better off not having these folk in our lives, these people shows us who are friends are and why we value them. The friends you want back will return and you will also make some new and wonderful friendships as well in time xx
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