How did I get here?

[Greenplantgrow]

Why have I never noticed that this was abuse?
Why did I always make excuses for his behaviour?
Why did I let myself get so down and emotionally drained?
It’s been going on so long it seemed normal and other poeple are just lucky that they have lovely partners.
When did I lose the respect for myself to allow him to talk to me that way?
What actually happened to me?
Was I just weak?

A lot of questions going around in my head today.

But I have come to the conclusion whatever happens on my plan to leave will happen. I have to think of the future and what it holds for me and my child.
Free of the abuse
Free of the mind games
Free of the anxiety and worry.
I will miss being a family unit at Christmas not doing our traditions that we have created, but also I will not miss the feeling worthless just after a tradition that didn’t go his way. I always seem to forget the bad things, I think it’s my mind that blocks them out as a way to normalise his behaviour. Today I am feeling reflective.

[Gerbil]

Dear greenplantgrow
It is good to be reflective. I do exactly the same as you and have done for so long, normalising his behaviour. Just remember you are not at fault. You are not weak …you have just been stuck in a spiral of abuse. Blocking out his behaviour has been your coping mechanism as it is for many of us on here. The fact that you now recognise and can’t stop seeing the abuse means that you are becoming stronger.
Take care x

[Shazza]

Your post sounds very similar to some thoughts I have been having over the last few days. I look around and wonder why I was not treated the same way as my friends are by their partners. And how did I not notice when it started to change. Why did I accept it?
I have been feeling very sad the last few days thinking of things that we all used to do as a family and Christmas was one that came to my mind and the traditions that we have always done as a family at that time. Like you, my mind is very good at blocking out all the bad bits and only remembering the nicer parts.
I do hope you are feeling OK. It sounds like you have good insight into what you need and want from the future which is very positive x

[RedStrawberry]

Those questions are exactly what went round in my head when my ex left after becoming physical. I knew something was ‘wrong’ with me due to the way I was feeling but I had no idea it was due to his behaviour. I totally agree about being free of the mind games and anxiety. I’ve not had a panic attack since he went and they were quite a common occurance. I’ve blocked out alot of things too but I often questioned my memory of events as he would deny they’d happen or remember it totally differently so he didn’t come across as the bad guy. Im dreading Christmas as I don’t know what his expectations are in regards to the kids as he never thinks about whats best for them first.

[Author]

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