3rd January 2016 at 2:14 am #7022
While I was sorting through paperwork I came across something I’d written many many years ago ( before I made contact with W.A. and had someone to talk to I used to write down all my feelings as a release)
“I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this….
I’ve just been forced to give him what he wanted again….. I’ve been lying face down on the sittingroom floor with him on top of me for at least an hour.
I lay there silent and motionless until I could take it no longer, I tried to push him off me, push him away, make him stop …but it didn’t stop. He keeps on and on until he gets what he wants.
To any normal man it would be obvious that I was not enjoying this, that I don’t like it and I don’t want it and I want it to stop.
But he keeps on rubbing himself up against me trying to force himself inside me, my bum is clenched tight closed to try and keep him out, but he still keeps on and on until he can force his way in……
I lie there face down, eyes tightly closed, fists clenched tight – hating every minute of this, wanting him to stop…..but he just doesn’t care and he won’t stop until he gets what he wants….then its over….until the next time….
I feel so dirty, so used, but if he does not get what he wants he will be in such a mood with me and the children, and so I have to put up with what he does to me…..for all our sakes…..
He sees nothing wrong with what he does to me time and time again. He gives me a kiss on the cheek, and goes in the shower andcomes beside me and expects me to cuddle up to him like everything is OK……well its not OK for me, I’m very hurt and upset by what I have to go through every time – just to satisfy his sexual needs.
The hurt and the feelings of being used take a while to go, I just can’t behave as if everything is OK….but what else can I do – if I can keep him happy, then the rest of us are happy – so this is just what I have to do.
The worst thing is I can’t tell anyone about all of what I go through, I just had to write it all down and let it all out. If I told me mam or me sister they would be so mad at how he treats me – and if I told any of his family they would never believe me, and its not the type of thing that ‘ crops up ‘ in conversation that you can tell a friend…..so what can I do.”
I don’t know when I wrote all this down – but I think it’s way before I realised what he was doing was actually abuse…..this was just how we lived….this was normal life for me…..this was just how my marriage was…..
I don’t know if all of this will be printed ( maybe a bit too graphic in parts) …..but this was how it was and I didn’t know this was abuse way back then……
It took me in the teens of years to finally pluck up the courage to leave him and it went on all that time, and got worse and worse until I could take no more…..
Thank you for reading this and letting me share it with you…..
3rd January 2016 at 2:53 am #7023foggyhereParticipant
Hi Mixed up Mum
I think you may have the answer right there – you put up with it because you wanted a happy family, and at the time we thought that meant putting up with whatever it was they were doing to us. I did exactly the same, although the issues are different. In fact, it wasn’t until he left me that I realised I was suffering so much as a result of how he was treating me. Like you, I find writing it down helps. I have looked over what I had written three years ago, when I had severe mental health issues which confused my doctors, and I can’t understand why I didn’t tell anyone about it or why I didn’t run for the hills the minute he started treating me like that.
I now know from the things my very young daughter says, that it was completely wrong to stay.
It’s important we forgive ourselves for this – at the time we did the best we could with the awareness that we had, and focus now on our new awareness and deciding what we do now.
4th January 2016 at 5:19 am #7113
Hi Foggyhere I have always been a person who finds great release in putting my feelings down on paper – thank you for taking the time to read my post and to reply to me.
Those who have not been through what WE have been through can never understand why we stay – why we put up with it – why we ‘let’ it happen……
Why do we not get out the first sign that things are not right…why don’t we walk away…..
Well for years and years I honestly did not believe what he was doing WAS abuse – then he would promised me he would stop – that he would never do it again – but he always did…..
I stayed to keep the family together, I stayed because I did not want to make the children and myself homeless…..and I stayed as I was too scared to leave him – scared of what he would do…
I now know it was the wrong thing to do , to stay, that was no life for the children and me…we were all so miserable and unhappy – if only I’d have done it YEARS sooner we could have been so much happier – its never easy leaving – bit its SO worth it – its not a good feeling having no place to call home – but you will get another house, and you will make a new home, and a new life…..
It’s no good having regrets, and blaming yourself for not getting out sooner, you did what you thought was right ay the time, and you did it with the best of intentions…..
3rd January 2016 at 7:07 am #7025LisaMain Moderator
Hi mixed up mum
It must feel strange and shocking to read those old memories especially when you look at how far you’ve come today. What a terrible day to day struggle you used to have to deal with. Thank goodness you are away from that sexual abuse.
Thanks for sharing what I know was a very personal account of your past relationship. It is important that women can talk about this aspect of abuse.
4th January 2016 at 12:31 pm #7126
Hi Lisa and thanks for taking the time to reply.
Yes it was a struggle to get through each day and I never knew from one day to the next what kind of mood he would be in.
If I had not ‘given him what he wanted’ and days and weeks had gone by since the last time – then I would find hid mood would get worse with each passing day – and his moods and temper became unbearable to live with – but live with it we did – for the teens of years, until finally in the end I could take no more.
We are out now though, and safe, and are trying to make new lives.
When I think how we used to live and how we live now – we are so much more relaxed and happy, and free to do what we want when we want – and we could never go back to living the way we lived for so many years.
I can go to bed when I want – not having to sit up until I knew he was asleep, and then creep slowly and quietly in to bed so as not to wake him.
No more being kept awake until 2,3,4,5 or even 6sm until I finally gave in and let him do what he wanted to me, just so I could get some sleep.
It’s a great feeling to know I’m safe at nights and can go to bed and sleep all night – he can no longer hurt me – I’m safe and I’m free.
3rd January 2016 at 10:06 am #7034Falling SkysParticipant
Hi Mix Up Mum
Your post brought a lot home to me, when I was first married, I kept a diary of good and bad like you do, he knew I did it and privet. One day he read it and got cross because he found details of what he and his family did to me, when he said it was my fault because I left it out. I also use to put in the bottom of my underwear draw, so I knew it was lies, so though he said I could continue I stop. Now many many years on I found it. I am to scared to read it at the moment, but I know the reason I put as staying was my family. But in my heart I know I was too scared.
I think we need to speak out about our sexual abuse as it may help others to get out and walk away. I use to think I was the only one, now as I look around I think how many other women in this shop, gym street, has been subjected to it?
Thank you for your post, I has given me the strength to read mine.
4th January 2016 at 4:41 pm #7136
Hi Falling Skys – good to hear from you – thank you for reading my post and for taking the time to reply.
I never kept a diary as such – too scared to in case he ever found it- but in the worst times – my darkest days – my moments of greatest despair – I found it a great release to get it all down on paper when there was no one else to talk to.
I would pull out my bottom drawer and hide what I’d written under there. I don’t think he ever found that hiding place, but he did used to search through all my drawers and beside cabinet – I was never quite sure what he was looking for but nothing was safe from his prying eyes.
I hope you find the strength to read what you have written – we are always here for you to listen, sympathise and advise if we can.
Take care. X
3rd January 2016 at 4:32 pm #7060MarthamooParticipant
Hi Mixed up Mum. Your post really pulled at my heart strings. What you went through was truly awful and you were so brave to finally leave. It is hard to comprehend how they cannot see the hurt they cause, or fail to see that being treated like that is going to affect how we act towards them. As time goes on I am slowly realising that it is simply because they look at us as objects, put there to satisfy their needs and wants. Because we are objects we don’t have need, wants or feelings, therefore there is no reason for us to get upset by their treatment. You are a very strong lady xx
5th January 2016 at 4:08 am #7155
Hi Marthamoo -sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you -:I do like to take the time to answer everyone who replies to my posts – it means such a lot that you take the time to read what I have written, and then comment on it.
I don’t know if the abusers DO actually KNOW what they are doing IS wrong and they just don’t care, OR do they REALLY not know how much hurt, pain, upset and misery they cause us. I do think as you said we are purely and simply objects to satisfy THEIR wants and needs…..it honestly did not matter how I was feeling – he didn’t care….
I just wish I’d had the courage and the confidence to leave him years before I finally did.
The more he did that to me, the more I could not stand to have him touch me, and in the end I could not bare to have him near me, I could not look at him or even speak to him. He killed any love I ever felt for him – so much so that nothing he could ever do would make me go back to him. The trust is gone and not an ounce of love survived…..
When we married I never ever imagined it would end this way….we were in love once. I never expected to leave the marriage, I never foresaw that I was to end up an abused wife, I never imagined this was to shape my life…..
6th January 2016 at 12:20 am #7183Falling SkysParticipant
I know my abuser would ne shocked that people find if action wrong or abusive.
In his eyes I am the one in the wrong and he is the victim.
10th January 2016 at 9:48 pm #7464Confused123Participant
Read your post and could of written that myself, these men r just so sick and just think of there own selfish needs, well done for getting out, it doesnt matter how long it took u to leave , u left in end, the mental impact of abuse is shocking and how we react, i ask myself what took me so long, the fear they inbed in us is horrible how do u explain to people by time u pick phone up and ask for help u will be dead, how do u explain to people even when they r at work u r so scared to take any action against them cause your so busy surviving and coming to terms with what the f*** is happening. Part of recovery is talking about it to the right people, talk to us , talk to counsellor, pat yourself everyday for getting out, my attidue is i dont care if others dont understand , it did happen and peopel have to learn to deal with it, it truly is painful to read back on what we experienced, i too ask myself how did i survuive it, then i take a deep breath and think i got out the most importnat thing
11th January 2016 at 5:00 am #7489
Hi Confused123 – and hood to hear from you too – thanks for reading my post and taking the time to reply to me.
Yes they do think entirely of their own wants and needs indeed – they seem incapable of thinking of other peoples feelings.
I do rely so much on ‘talkig’ to you ladies – who else can I talk to about the kinds of things that went on – other people can never really understand, not when they have not been through it too.
I have never been offered counselling from any one – font really know what it entails, or if it would help me – a part of me thinks its better to leave some feelings and emotions buried deep and not let then surface again….but we ARE survivors!!!!!
11th January 2016 at 7:54 am #7497Confused123Participant
Yeah we all feel different about counselling , post as much as u need to we always going to be here for u , I personally am doing counselling and would recommend it ,it helps u understAnd your feelings ,it reinstates that it wasn’t u in wrong most importantly it makes me aware of what happened was so wrong and how to make myself stronger do no one ever does that again to me,well done for getting this far
11th January 2016 at 10:36 am #7506Tinydancer80Participant
Hi Mixed up mum,
I didn’t realise until very recently that my ex was sexually abusing me as well as physically and emotionally.
He never forced himself on me but he used to get me to to touch myself while he masturbated. I never felt comfortable with it but he would go on and on until I did it. All I wanted was for him to hold me and make love to me but he seemed to get far more pleasure out of making me do that so he could watch.
I think I thought because he never physically forced me to do it that it wasn’t sexual abuse but the more I read about other womans experiences the more I realise that this was just another aspect of his control. He didn’t care whether I was enjoying it or whether I wanted to do it he just cared about what he wanted.
I left him because of the violence and have been out of the relationship for a while now but until now I have never spoken about the sexual side of things.
I suppose because the violence was easier to see.
Thank you for posting about your experience it has given me the ability to see that my experience was wrong.
23rd January 2016 at 2:21 pm #8178
Hi Tinydancer – really sorry it has taken me so long to reply to you – I always like to take the time to reply to people, when they are good enough to message me – but somehow your message has ‘slipped through’ – so sorry about that.
I just seemed to ‘accept’ what he did was ‘normal’ – it went on for years before I finally saw this was NOT normal behaviour between a husband and wife. But by then FOR HIM it had become normal and I don’t think he could stop himself – or am I just making excuses……
He never actually used aggression on me and physically held me down an forced me – but his method was to ‘n****e’ away at me for hours and hours on end, until he would wear me down and I’d have no more strength to fend him off and I’d just ‘give in’ and ‘let’ him do what he wanted to me……or he would take my hand and force me to satisfy his needs and ‘relieve’ him.
Oh my God – saying all this just takes me right back there to those times he would do this – and I put up with it and lived with it for so many years…..
I should hate him with a passion – but you know what – I don’t have to energy to hate him – and if I let him eat away at me with anger and bitterness – then in a way he had won – you understand me???
I know what you mean, in the beginning, (before things got really bad) I did want him to hold me and cuddle me – but then it got to the stage after years of abuse, I could not bare to let him touch me or be near me – I could not look at him or talk to him in the end things became so bad……
And yes you are quite right they DON’T care whither you are ‘enjoying’ it or if you ‘want’ to do it – all they care is that THEIR wants and needs are satisfied.
Please feel free to chst again if you feel the need – I might not be much good at advice – but I can always listen.
Take care and thanks again for your message. x*x
27th January 2016 at 1:27 am #8417
Ughh, this is such a trigger. I cry right now. Bad memories and the reminder that my body is damaged for the rest of my life. Why can these men not be legally castrated with rusty scissors?
27th January 2016 at 9:25 am #8436
Hi Ayanna – sorry you are feeling so bad right now – I’m maybe longer out than you – and so coping better now.
I refuse to let him eat away at me with bitterness and anger towards him – I’m trying to move on as best I can and not let what he did shape the rest of my life.
I’ll never forget what he did – but for my own sanity I have to leave it in the past – and look to my future – whatever that will be……
I wish you well, and I hope you are getting help and support from somewhere to help you deal with what happened, and to help you move on and recover???
27th January 2016 at 5:17 pm #8471
Hi mixed-up mum, no, I have no help. My help are books only. He damaged my body. The pain is a constant reminder.
The NHS does not support single women who have no kids. We are the outcasts of society. So, no support for me. I am not even allowed to speak about what happened to me to my GP. They all block me off. But they ask me why I cannot control my eating and why I put on so much weight in such a short time. I was assessed and the mental health nurse said that I must get over it and it is easy to control the eating habits. What a stupid cow! I gave up looking for help because I do not want to hear any stupid statement anymore from so called professionals.
27th January 2016 at 5:33 pm #8473
Oh Ayanna – I’m really not much good at advice – the others on here are so much better than me – but I would go to a different Doctor – if you are getting no sympathy, support or advice from them.
I can’t believe a mental health nurse told you to “get over it” that is not on – no one should be treated that way – do you not have support from your local Women’s Aid? Do you not ring the helpline?
There must be somebody somewhere who can and will support you – come on ladies on here – you will know better than me as to where to go for help????
27th January 2016 at 5:57 pm #8475White RoseParticipant
If you haven’t yet you need to phone the help line -number at top of page it’s free phone. They will give you practical advise as well as support. They can also rell you if there is ant soecific help available in your area for women who’ve experienced domestic abuse. There may be a local group who can support you.
The NHS helps everyone so go back to your Gp and tell them youre struggling and why and if that GP doesn’t listen book in with another one and tell them your worries.
Samaritans can also help -some areas have drop ins as well as phone help – check them out.
Sadly the support won’t come to you, you have to ask for it and asking isn’t a sign of weakness.
27th January 2016 at 7:01 pm #8483
I know very well that help does not come to me. I went to so many so called professionals for help. I have seen most GPs in my surgery now. I cried for help for a few years. But I have no kids and I work. Women like me are treated like outcasts. They tell me in my face that I do not need any help. So I retreat to my books and make the therapy for myself. I also tried to get some support from my local WA, but the lady there said that there is nothing she can do. Life is hard and only the strong survive. I accepted already that I am on my own. The mental health service is full of abusers. I hope one day I can help women like myself, because I experience how awful the system is and understand the suffering. I experienced a lot of institutionalised abuse after fleeing the domestic abuse. When a woman is all alone so many people who are supposed to help actually take advantage of the situation and let all their frustration on to the helpless victim. I thought after calling the police my life would get better. But no, it was hell. Now I battle with the trauma that I experienced after fleeing on top of what I already had to deal with. Nobody seems to understand this. I keep my smiling face and woman up to survive in this cruel world.
29th January 2016 at 4:25 pm #8587godschildParticipant
Ayanna, I know how bad the NHS can be , Ive been insulted by them for years, recently told that I was choosing to stay in an abusive relationship when I have agoraphobia and a dreadful phobia of being alone and no one at to help me ,even the so called mental health carers are useless at times. Some Samaritans are ok others just make sounds and don’t even enter into a proper conversation, but try you may get a good one or if you can see one face to face. I have really only read books as it been hard to get any help with being so dependant on my abuser due to my phobias, but ive started to see what I can get in any way of help, it can be a nightmare when you just get negative with every call; or the don’t call you back, have you looked for a freedom programme in your area, only problem is they tend to be in the day time and if you are working thats no good. xx
29th January 2016 at 11:59 pm #8609
Oh godschild, what a dreadful situation. Have you ever thought of living in a shared accommodation somewhere in order to get away from your abuser? The agoraphobia can be treated or dealt with as well. What makes you believe that you need the abuser to stay with you?
Yes, my experiences with the services are very similar. I read books to help myself. I did the Freedom Programme. But this does not help with the trauma. For this I need the indepth knowledge, that I acquire through books and research articles. I hope that I will get better the more I learn how to heal my injured soul.
3rd February 2016 at 7:44 pm #8972undertherainbowParticipant
Mixed up mum, I’ve been there too. The grinding you down, the sulking, the keeping you awake… If I refused my ex would strip off and masturbate until I gave in. All I’d want is to watch Eastenders and he would be sat next to me masturbating and asking why I didn’t love him any more. Sometimes it become easier to say yes rather than no but in the end even saying no didn’t do anything.
Ayanna, I too have received no support from the NHS. If anything they have made my situation much much worse. My GP won’t enter into a discussion about the abuse and I’m treated like I’m making up fantasises for attention. I got on my hands and knees to a male GP after escaping the abuse and begged for help, he accused me of emotional blackmail and kicked me out of the surgery. He then spun this around and put on my notes that I’m aggressive. I will never forget it. I was struggling so so so much with being around men at this time anyway and to be treated like this by a professional health care provider, who then LIED on his stupid computer gave me no hope whatsoever. After surgery by a recto something or other surgeon I was treated like s**m, not a victim of rape. I’ve now lost all trust in men and feel that those that treat me this way are abusers themselves but in very powerful jobs.
4th February 2016 at 1:40 am #9003
Well, I was treated like this by females too. Do you know that you have two years to make a complaint in the NHS? Follow their complaints procedure when you feel better. Do not let this go. We call this medical gaslighting in the most benign version. I still feel too traumatised to act and I am also very busy with reorganising my life and worksituation. But I keep in mind that I am going to sue an NHS professional for emotional abuse.
Also, I want to look into the rights of victims for treatment such as counselling after domestic abuse and also let a lawyer deal with it. There are no win no fee lawyers who actually do such things.
I recently met very lovely male doctors who treated me really well and one sent a letter to my GP in which he requested in bold writing that they organise counselling for me. It seems my GP does not care. I have all the evidence in a folder. When I am ready I fight. Two years …. x*x
25th February 2016 at 5:46 pm #10454
For Red1 – so much of your post rang true with me – wanted to share with you how it was for me…..
26th February 2016 at 9:04 pm #10512Red1Participant
Found it thank you – yes I’ve been there, crushed under a horny creature humping at me until I give in or throw him off (easier said than done…) and suffer the sulks and stomping round like the hulk. I’ve asked how does he control himself with other women if he’s so unable to control himself at home (?!) funny how he can manage when I’m not around hey?
Part of the problem is not just his upbringing but mine – nobody ever told me that touching was anything but affection, yes I knew “no means no” for actual sex but far as I knew from tv, magazines, other people – b/fs and g/fs and married couples were supposed to hug and kiss and caress etc so I always just let him at first. If it was inappropriate I would laugh it off, didn’t want him to think I was pushing him away, just trying to set boundaries. The more I say no, then I don’t love him, he just loves me so much he has to touch me etc etc. When I say no decisively then I’m the bad guy. Once or twice I said no, he carried on, i said no, he carried on, I got out of bed and said what part of no do you not understand?? and slept downstairs. *applause* 😉 the next day he’s full of apologies, I made him feel like a rapist…but he thought my saying no was a groan of passion(!!!)
One thing I am going to do when we’re out and settled is have a long (and embarrassing!) chat with my daughters and tell them everything I wish my mum had told me about relationships, men and women and bodies. My son too, I sense his entitlement already, hope it hasn’t embedded yet 😔
Thanks m.u.m 😊 Red x
27th February 2016 at 2:02 pm #10589
Hi Red1 – thanks for your reply.
Yes he would be so moody if days/weeks had gone by and I’d managed to stay up late and creep in to bed without waking him up. The tension and atmosphere got so bad – that sometimes I’d just have to lie there and ‘let’ him do it – then HE would be happy, and there would be peace in the house for a few days…..
It’s true – never thought on it that way before – he could control his ‘sexual urges’ around other women – BUT he would consider it his ‘right’ as my husband to do whatever he wanted to me and he just sexually harras me until I let him do what he wanted.
Being married does NOT give him the right to do what he wanted with MY body.
And yes you are right TO HIM – ANY form of touching eg a cuddle or a kiss etc was the ‘green light’ for him to help himself to sex as and when he wanted!!!
We could NEVER just have a cuddle or a kiss and he would be happy with that – no HE always had to push for more – with the result then that I wouldn’t even cuddle or kiss him – then I got the usual “you never show me any affection” – and WHY was that – cos everytime I went anywhere near him it just HAD TO end in sex – and yet HE saw nothing wrong with that…..
Are ALL MEN incapable of JUST having a nice cuddle or kiss and leave it at that????!!!!????
Sometimes it would have gone on so long, and Id have had to get up and leave the bed 2 or 3 times, and he’d promise to stop, Id end up on the sofa and hed just leave me there – this was at 6am when hed kept me up all night, and I only get an hour’s sleep. But hed never apologise for what he’d done – he saw it as his RIGHT to have sex with me…….
Oh the years and years we lived like that – and I just put up with it – thought I had no choice – but we DO have a choice – LEAVE – don’t do like I did and live like that for the teens of years…..there is a way out ….I did it you can do it too…..
It takes courage, and its not easy, but being FREE is SO worth it……good luck ladies….. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! 🙂 x*x. 🙂
26th February 2016 at 11:39 pm #10536missgiddypantsParticipant
just came across this subject and it fills me with horror so I will try and continue to write before the tears block the words ,my abuse is hard to define no violence but bit of this and bits of that but can relate to the sexual abuse ,giving in never saying no or he would say you not want me you not love me stupidly doing what he wanted all the time thinking a man who gets what he wants not stray but he did and above all else it’s their sense of entitlement that gets me ,my dad abused me what that because he wasn;t getting was he wanted from my mother x
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