Tagged: Leaving
- This topic has 14 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 2 months ago by
lilaclady.
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16th November 2016 at 10:27 pm #32418
lilaclady
ParticipantCan I ask the ladies on here how did you get out? How did you tell your husband / partner you were leaving. Or did you not? This is the hardest thing for me. I am not in a situation where I need to leave in secret or go without telling him. I need to somehow tell him it’s over and that we need to work out what to do. I have the practical stuff worked out, I would probably move out and rent somewhere with my son. I know the legal stuff, how much he would have to pay in child support, that I need to try and have a a settlement with him for a house for us to live in (he earns a significantly larger salary than me) and my rights for custody. But the one thing I cannot do at the moment is put it into action. I am so scared of telling him, I am so worried about what is going to happen, if I am making the right decision its so final but then I can’t stay in this anymore.
So how did you do it? How long did it take you from working out you wanted to leave and actually doing it? And how does a man who you are stuck in a verbally abusive relationship take it? And how do you feel now….if it’s all done and you managed to get out. Thanks so much any advice or sharing of your experiences would be most appreciated!
I know I need to go….but just can’t seem to take the next step.
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16th November 2016 at 11:15 pm #32422
lover of no contact
ParticipantWell you are way braver than I was. The abuse was killing me, he had upped the ante big-time. I was being badly abused and so was my daughter and the children were in a terrible state from his abuse of me, and from his sick personality. The children were binging, self-harming etc. I couldn’t leave. I was afraid to leave and upset the apple-cart and I was afraid of what he would do to me if I decided to leave our marriage.
Anyway I suppose mentally I was preparing to leave and he knew that the game was up with me, my denial was lifting and he sensed that. So he decided to discard me, a letter came in the post saying he wanted a separation. He never told me. Yet he confided in our then teenage daughter. She knew for weeks before I did. But I was relieved. I decided to go with the separation. Although he then started to hoover me back into the relationship saying he never wanted to separate, yada, yada, if I would just go back to being a good wife then we wouldn’t have to separate. No way, this was my way out. I went through with it and never looked back. It wasn’t plain sailing as his fury was ignited and he used the threat of him having the day-to day care of our children against me and him staying in our family home. He nearly got his way but didn’t.
I would be careful about telling him face to face. Have the place to go to, have everything moved there (if that is possible). He won’t be reasonable. He will put on an Oscar- winning performance to manipulate you into staying or he will use violence to instill fear to coerce you into staying. I would ring Women’s Aid and discuss it with them. Remember he has spent a lot of time and energy into making you his emotional punch-bag. He is not going to want to lose that. He will fight tooth and nail to get you to stay. He will stoop to any lengths. That’s why you are afraid to tell him. Your gut knows he will leave no stone unturned to get you to change your mind.
Keep posting for support. You are very brave and courageous.
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16th November 2016 at 11:35 pm #32428
Ayanna
ParticipantI tried to get out the normal way but I could not.
One day he tried to kill me and I managed to make a silent call to the police. They arrested him.In your situation, make a good plan, have a moving van with two body builders ready.
When you are ready to move tell him on the same day and get the moving men remove your stuff. Do it all in the shortest possible time, so that he cannot think straight. -
22nd November 2016 at 4:48 pm #32815
Lioness
ParticipantI have been trying to leave for years, I left and came back so many times. People always said to me, you will know when the time is right, and once you know, and have made up your mind nothing will stop you. Its taken me a lot of years, I always put obsticles in the way like birthdays and things that had been planned. I only left last week so it is early days, Its not ideal just before xmas, but its never a good time, but I know I am not going back that is for sure. I am unsure of the road ahead but anything is better than living with him, he drained me emotionally, physically, mentally and financially. It’s the scariest thing in the world, leaving, scenarios going through my head of how he would react. I over think things but that is because he has made me so anxious in life. I didn’t really have a plan, I had my mums to go to so I just said I am leaving, got in the car and left. Our only contact is arranging him to see our daughter, he has left me alone this time, but previous times he has harassed me over the phone, texts etc, usually when he had been drinking (which was every night). He would say if I leave him he would accuse me of attacking him with a knife and cut himself and call the police, he has tried to scare me by trying to kill himself in front of me, he has verbally abused his parents and scared them because he wanted me back and so on. So yes deciding to leave is a massive thing, a scary thing, but I knew enough was enough and because it was affecting our daughter, I knew I had to do it for her. Even though now she is missing him, I am now trying to deal with that. He is still in the house so I also have all that to deal with yet. My advice is to have a plan, and get as much professional advice as possible. I didn’t really get the professional support as such before I left but I am reaching out for it now. I got the confidence to leave from talking on this forum, I found the courage from being on here and everyone is so lovely and supportive. It’s the best place to be when you are wanting to escape. You will know when it feels right, just be safe that is the main thing ..Thinking of you xx
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22nd November 2016 at 5:41 pm #32818
EeyoreNoMore
ParticipantI’d say to expect the worst! I told my ex it was over between us and that I wanted him to move out. The next two days he went into verbal abuse overdrive.
I called the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and the lovely lady summed it up for me. She said that trying to talk to an abuser is like trying to reason with a toddler. Just don’t. They don’t have the mental capacity to have a level headed discussion when it comes to us and them. She also warned me that it will get worse before it gets better.
These pathetic excuses for men are at their most dangerous when their control is threatened. Get out and get your child out. Then, if you choose, you can tell him what you’ve done (though not face to face). You owe him NOTHING. You can totally do this, we have faith in you! 💖
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24th November 2016 at 1:02 am #32959
lilaclady
ParticipantThanks everyone for your replies… I am getting closer to doing this. And very mindful of expecting the worst and for him to be a complete nightmare. The last time I left I did it when he was at work and WOW he was angry. I think I am just not quite there yet with actioning things I am giving it once last ditch attempt (my heart aint in it though) and also don’t want to ruin Christmas for family and my son. But I am planning….planning where we could live, how much money I need to survive etc. and I think before I go get it all set up so I can just GO. But once I am gone I am GONE. No going back.
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24th November 2016 at 10:26 am #32973
Herindoors
ParticipantHi Lilaclady. I was in your situation. I knew I had to end the marriage and in fact for me it was financially easier because I was the breadwinner, however I could not bring myself to actually do it due to fear. Eventually the tension between us got so great (I think he knew it was coming) that he snapped one day seriously physically assalted me (up to then it had not been seriously physical, mainly emotional). Don’t let it get to that.
Hindsight (without fear!) is a wonderful thing and if I could do it again.
I would have been more careful about hiding my plans, my thoughts, my feelings so that he was unaware I was leaving him. I would line everything up ready.
I would leave the house with my child while he was out – depsite the fact that I paid the rent, bills etc… I would just go regardless. I was waiting for him to go, and that was never going to happen. The only reason he left after attacking me was because I gave him that choice or the police being called.
I would immediately go no contact and only communicate with him through another person.
I would have reported his attack and abuse (I never reported him)In my opinion, if you try and talk to him about it he will either get angry which is dangerous or he will try and persude you stay and try again, that he loves you, guilt, blame game etc…
Good luck, I hope you get your freedom soon x*x
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24th November 2016 at 8:33 pm #33010
abcxyz
ParticipantYou are where I was at .. totally. I planned like crazy. Did everything you are meant to do – saw the GP, spoke to Womens’ Aid, bought a spare mobile phone, told the schools, rented a holiday let, and left the divorce papers with a short note – nothing inflammatory – just along the lines of “I wish you all the best, but I can’t be that person anymore”. Oh … and saw a counsellor a few times, and continue to see her, to get my head in the right place and let go of the feelings of guilt, sadness, etc. And made sure I had everything written down in case it all went wrong (every single time that he had done or said something – so useful for when you feel like maybe you did the wrong thing).
I set a date in my head, had to delay it by a couple of days, then I went. He still can’t understand why I left like that, and his solicitor has told him that I did it all wrong and should have discussed it. Clearly she has no idea about domestic abuse. Set a date, plan for that, and just go.
Make sure you give yourself time to gather all the paperwork you need – anything that might be important. Read everything you can. Buy any bits of uniform or other clothes you son might need in the months ahead (coat, shoes etc). But go. And you will be so pleased you did.
I spent the first week terrified of him turning up, but he didn’t and school have been brilliant. I feel so much better, and don’t hate him – because actually now he can’t hurt me anymore, as I’m out of his control – I can just walk away or close the door or whatever.
You can do this – and you won’t regret it xxxxx
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24th November 2016 at 8:38 pm #33012
abcxyz
ParticipantOh … one more thing. Act the best acting you have ever done. Be the version of you that he wants you to be in those last few days. Even if you really really don’t want to be. Get his drinks, scratch his back … you know that you’ll be out soon, so just do your best acting while knowing that you’ll soon be gone xx
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25th November 2016 at 5:40 pm #33084
lilaclady
ParticipantVery good advice and a good point about getting my son everything he needs so he’s all sorted for a while just in case. I am stocking up on everything using Christmas as an excuse to be spending more out of the joint account. Oh I am just getting ready for Christmas! He is away for a week which so far has been UTTER BLISS I am using that time to plan. Ready the Lundy Bancroft book as I can read it now he’s not around and enjoying the peace and space! Not quite sure how I’m going to deal with him coming back though he’s expecting me to be all ba to normal sleeping in the same bed moving forward etc. I don’t feel that way one bit!! Seeing the counsellor when he returns and she knows everything from me now so see what she says. It’s weird on the one hand I know I can’t do this anymore but on the other hand I also feel like I can’t believe I am giving up on my marriage and also the security of being in one (just things like a home, financial stuff) as hey it’s not like he supports me. I know I can be on my own again no worries it’s just so final!!
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25th November 2016 at 6:11 pm #33092
strong soul
ParticipantI finally reached my breaking point after he viciously raped me whilst simultaneously pushing my face into my pillow. When I got up the following morning and went to the bathroom I was still bleeding from the night before. I knew then that I couldn’t take anymore. I knew that he would eventually kill me, or I would snap and kill him first. I told him I couldn’t take anymore and if he didn’t leave I would phone the police. He laughed at me and said that he would tell them that I liked it rough and was just peeved off with him. I had felt empowered by my standing up to him, my heart sank when he said that, followed by intense fear. I told him that if he didn’t leave now then the next time he passed out drunk I would (detail removed by Moderator). His face dropped when he realised that I meant it. I had to sign my car over to him as well as giving him the last bit of money I had for petrol. It was worth it.
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25th November 2016 at 9:46 pm #33112
Lightness
ParticipantI instinctively knew that having a conversation with him would not work. It would have broken and exhausted me because he would have been so angry. I don’t think he would have let me leave. I left a brief note, put as much stuff in the car as I could, and drove and drove until I got to safety.
I have no regrets about leaving like that.
If I could rewind and do it again I would change very little. I definitely did the right thing by just leaving without warning. If I was to change anything at all it would have been to have the police there with me while I moved out (just in case he turned up), and to have taken more things with me as I doubt I will get any of my stuff back. But really, these things don’t matter to me now.
I’m pleased I left a note because I made it clear that it was a separation (we’d been married a long time) – but that’s all. He took all he could from me and I owed him absolutely nothing. At first I had feelings of guilt because I have a conscience, but now I know that he was not deserving of that.
Good luck to you – you can do it.
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25th November 2016 at 10:09 pm #33114
Lightness
Participantand Lilac Lady – you asked about how he took it – mine was angry. That seems to be the normal response from abusers – angry because he had lost control of me – his puppet on a string. He said he had no idea why I had left and then invented a story in his head about how I must have been depressed. He had no ability to look at himself and take any accountability for what he had done.
Leaving these relationships is hard because there is no validation for us from the abuser or their close allies. This is hard to take in the aftermath but in time you can learn that none of that matters because you know the truth and you have your friends on here who understand. I suggest a good therapist who understands n**********c abuse because it is likely that your support network won’t understand. You may get symptoms of PTSD. You may experience FOG – Fear, Obligation, Guilt. You will need to feel safe, loved and understood. NO CONTACT is best for recovery. Leaving an abusive relationship is not an event – it is a journey which starts when you leave. It is a hard journey but the destination is so worth it. There is treasure to take from an abusive relationship because we learn so much about ourselves and we get to be survivors and hopefully thrivers. I am still on the journey – it has been a matter of months for me.When you leave, go somewhere you feel safe and where you can’t be found. Allow yourself to be looked after, get plenty of rest and let your emotions out.
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25th November 2016 at 10:25 pm #33115
strong soul
ParticipantLightness, you are absolutely right about not talking about it and just leaving. From personal experience, every time I threatened to leave, he always talked me around with guilt and false promises. Abusers are bullies, they hide their own insecurities by intimidating others. Making the decision to leave without telling them undermines the control they have over you. Yes it might anger them, but only because they thought that they had complete control over you.
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26th November 2016 at 8:00 am #33128
lilaclady
ParticipantLove how you say leaving is not an event it is a journey with such a worthwhile destination. I feel like I am at the very beginning of my journey here and yes it is going to be hard but worth it. Lundy Bancroft says you will never been 100% to leave and I think I was just waiting for that to happen now I realise it’s not going to be that black and white and I just have to trust myself and my instincts.
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