How did you heal?

[iliketea]

Hi, can anyone give advice and tips on healing? What helped? What didn’t. I’m struggling with knowing what to do for the next steps. I did so much reading before and feel I understand and know a lot about abuse and n********m and how I got where I did. But how do you get better? Heal from what you’ve been through. Knowing and understanding is one thing, but forgiving and healing and getting better is another. What do I need to do? I feel I need to get a whole new personality and stop being an empath, but perhaps its more about boundaries and learning to be safe. But how? I’m so old and feel I should know this stuff but just don’t!

What did you do?
What did you read?
Any podcasts to listen to or audible books?

I’m realising more and more that “normal” people don’t really understand, normal as in haven’t been through it I mean. I’m being honest with people as I think its the best way forward, this is a pandemic in its own way, and why the hell don’t people talk about it? Why isnt it out there? I have noticed people are avoiding me, don’t know what to say at the school gates, forced smiles then running off, I know not worth bothering about, but how do you fill the void? How do you make new friends in this situation? When you’re still in the same place, doing the same things. Its a lot like when someone gets a terminal illness and die, people don’t know what to say and do then either.

Are you honest about what you’ve been through? to new friends?

Sorry a lot of question marks there!

[HopeLoveHappiness]

Hi iliketea🥰.

Healing is a process that takes time, and everyone heals in different ways. Have you thought about counselling? Like you said people don’t really understand unless they’ve experienced it themselves. I think speaking to the women here would be helpful, because we’ve all experienced abuse. You’re not alone in this, im always honest and open to anyone who will listen, but like i say there are people who don’t understand, I’ve had a few people say to me “well you could have just left” but its never really that simple is it? I definitely think you should give counselling a go. But me and everyone else here will support you every step of the way💕x

[HopeLifeJoy]

I agree healing is a continuous process and very individual, some methods might work for one and not another. For me what works is staying connected to people.

Reading ‘Healing From Hidden Abuse’ might be good for you at this stage and there is also a good article about Personal Boundaries on wikipedia.
One method that always works well for immediate well being is self care. That is whatever makes you feel good, depending on the day, like a shower, a cup of tea, a walk in the sun or nature or zoo? having a cup of coffee somewhere, stretching exercises, pilates, yoga, breathing exercises, music 😌🎵
When mental health is troubling you with things such as anxiety/depression, don’t wait, seek help immediately. GP, counseling, Meds.
Another method is to be grateful for three things right now. Today. This too brings immediate calm and acceptance and transforms the mindset from negative to positive.
And one saying that never goes out of style; go step by step. Take baby steps
Above all be kind to yourself 😌💕🌸

[Camel]

Hi iliketea

I don’t think it’s necessarily helpful to think in terms of ‘healing’. You aren’t broken, though it might feel like it. We don’t talk about healing from being mugged. But we might talk about protecting ourselves better. Would it help you to think in terms of changing your behaviour? Rather than in terms of ‘getting better’? One attitude puts you in control, the other is more passive.

You can’t change who you are, an empath, but you can change what you do. For example, don’t always be available with a sympathetic ear. Say no more. Put your needs and wants at the top of the list – believe me, other people do!

You mention forgiveness. If you haven’t already forgiven yourself, why not?

It’s a shame if people are avoiding you but no one wants to discuss the big issues all the time. Rightly domestic abuse is a big issue for you but it’s probably the last thing other people want to think about. Save your honesty for this forum and try a lighter note with ‘normal’ people. You’re right, they just won’t get it.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi iliketea, the only thing I can add is be kind to yourself. There are still many days ahead when you’ll feel like there’s no point. You’ll want to sleep and sleep and sleep. Listen to your body, if it wants cakes and c**p, eat it. If it wants good healthy food, eat it. On my good days I try to batch cook, then ive always got something in the freezer.
You don’t have to explain yourself to newer friends. Nowhere is it set in stone that fir people to like or love us we’ve to tell them or life story. Tell people what you want them to know. You’ll learnn to trust your gut instinct more and more. After abuse is the hardest thing, cos everything you thought you knew and had worked out is gone,replaced with this void. Find out what you like to do. Step back from any huge decisions, make sure it’s your thoughts you’re listening to and not some remnant of his words. It’s still baby steps and there are days where you’ll feel different and it’ll Dawn on you that what you’re feeling is happy, cherish those moments. Write them down. Life is yours fir living now, go do whatever you want.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[iliketea]

@Iwantmeback, thank you, that’s kind.

[iliketea]

I think this has got a bit misunderstood. Obviously I know everyone’s journey is individual and different but the beauty of this forum has always been the sharing of information and individual experiences. “Healing” is just a word, it means different things to different people. I’ve chosen to use that word because I feel I want to heal, that’s definitely my feeling, there’s a weeping sore and I want it to heal. My IDVA constantly tells me this wasn’t my “fault” therefore no, right now I’m not talking about changing my behaviour to stop this happening again. What I’m asking about is how people have healed from what has happened, a decade of abuse, I’m having nightmares, I can’t sleep, its going around my head. What I was interested in was what helped people afterwards. Practical things. “Healing from Hidden Abuse” is a descriptor book about abuse, how to identify it, it is amazing and really helped me understand my situation, but what Im saying is that is only part of the journey. Once you have all the information, once you have the understanding of abuse, how you have got there, and why, where do you go with that? I guess if you’re not out yet it might be difficult to understand this. Were there podcasts you listened to, inspirational people you read, took up a new hobby, hid under the duvet, went on a fitness drive, volunteered, dog walked. Im just interested in peoples experiences. There’s a lot of similarities in our experiences of abuse so I don’t think its that unusual to think that there might be similarities in our healing from it.

[YellowBird]

Hi iliketea, I understand where you’re coming from. I’m a short time out of an abusive relationship and can relate to the nightmares, unfocused mind & thoughts going round & round my head. Some days I can nearly convince myself that I’ve made a mistake/treated my abuser unfairly/life wasn’t so bad with him/oh no, what have I done to wreck our family?/etc. So I worked out a plan for keeping my head in the right place, and also healing that part that is broken or wounded, while getting the daily jobs done, too!
I wrote down a list of daily activities to give me a structure and routine. Otherwise I’d come in from work and just drift around from room to room, or start 10 different activities, yet finish none.

My list includes:
-1 or 2 housework jobs, plus 1 extra if I can manage it.
-Contact with a friend, either a call, visit or text chat, depending on my level of concentration.
-Some form of exercise even if it’s only 10 minutes.
-Time on self care/wellness apps/online info or this forum.
-Relaxation time where I sit and reflect on/journal about what I’m dealing with currently, maybe with a cuppa, listening to music or looking out at a nice view.
-Creative time, eg cooking or baking, handiwork like painting, origami or knitting.

Basically it’s anything that feeds me, heals me, gets jobs done that need doing, but isn’t too demanding if I’m feeling fragile.
For me, the secret is to do as many as I can manage of the list, but if I can only manage to do 5 minutes of each – that’s also fine! But as many items as possible on this list must be attempted every day in order to get into a pattern of good habits that will keep me going when things are bad.
I’d love to hear more ideas of what other people are doing to heal..and what you’re not doing,

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Iliketea
Bit tired so I’m just going to list things that might help:

* Counselling
* Contact local domestic abuse service and ask about Freedom Course, or even Power to Change as you have done a lot of reading but doing Freedom as part of a group is different to reading it independently and is like group therapy. I think that local services are starting to offer up some courses again, albeit on-line in groups but that is better than nothing. It is good to let local services know what you need too and ask about delivery. Also ask about any local survivor groups too, your local DA service should be able to advise.
* Consider connecting and getting involved with National/local DA charities to meet and connect with other survivors.
* Relaxation courses
* Parenting courses- not meant to offend but honestly really useful in going back to basics to understand and appreciate the affects DA relationships have on entire family. Also possible opportunity to meet other single parents. Though many courses not being run face-to-face and are on-line at minute. Try contacting your local family information centre to find out about parenting courses and to generally discuss situation and find out if they recommend anything.
* Gingerbread – support for single parents, worth finding out what they offer in your local area
* Mind – the mental health charity also run local groups, have been running on-line stuff through Covid. It may not be something you ever thought you would need, none of this might do but none of us ever thought we would be DV survivors either right? Worth trying out every bit of support out there, especially at the minute.
* Checkout local colleges, community centres, art and music centres, theatres, sport centres, museums, libraries, outdoor and walking centres, wildlife centres etc to see what courses and groups they run- it can be surprising what is out there that may be useful and of interest and connect with like minded people!

Hope this helps. Post above is really good too, focusing on self care etc. Taking it steady and giving it time but definitely getting out there a little- even if that does have to be on-line at the moment. Time in nature always good I think- trees don’t judge! It can remind us that we are all only human and part of nature.

Hope this helps

Soulsearcher x

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