How did you make a final decision to end it?

[Anabela]

My issue is how to leave. My barrier is not him, but myself. (although, I have a silent voice, would I be safe if I end it, but he never ever threatened me, so it is just me being paranoid) Since we don’t live together, I don’t need to think how to find a place, or how to make him move out. But I fear, what if I realize, that I want him back and it will be too late. That it will be lonely. So many ifs. Like some part of me badly wants to escape. I am fed up with his constant verbal abuse, and since in the past I saw him being very violent (not as much to me, but that’s another story, which could reveal my identity), I know that I would never feel safe around him, safe to express myself or disagree with him. Especially if I got pregnant, it would be a point, then I would have to watch out.
I dont know how to make this decision and how to tell that this is it. When I tried before, after I spoke to him, I immediately started regretting it. He is a total monster, but I still hold on to those moments, when he was nice and loving and caring, and I had no idea of what was waiting for me. Or when he crawled into bed to apologize. Like I understand what’s going on, but I dont understand at the same time. I probably dont make sense. How can I love such a person. I spoke to my friends, and they just dont get how I can allow to be disrespected that much.
I want to be free, but what if I never forget him, and never stop loving him. How can you fear someone and love. I love him, but I dont like him. He now speaks that we should move back together, and that thought scares me!!!! By no means I want to make this step back. And yet, if he speaks that we are getting distant, it makes me feel desperate. I dont understand myself… Although I know that I would be happier on my on (so much happier), I still at some extent need him….
How did you make a final decision to end it?

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Anabela, with all of the relationships that I have had and which weren’t working out I asked myself if we had the essentials. The important basic things that are needed for a couple to get along day to day. With abusive relationships this is different and not as easy or straightforward. This is because a lot of the time you are stuck in the horrible relationship due to manipulation and invisible chains. But in among all of the fog and gas lighting i’ve always asked myself the following;
1. Can we communicate properly?
2. Do I trust him?
3. Do I feel scared or walk on egg shells.
4. Has he got drink, drugs or debt problems
5. Do we have more good times than bad times

You get my gist. These are the crucial type of questions. I think that your gut instinct tells you that something is worth working at. My last ex failed in everything, it had to end, but actually doing it and then working through the trauma bonding is not easy.

[Millionpieces]

Dear Annabella,
It took me nearly decade to finally able to put in my mind that I’m done with him, that is only he cheated on me and I don’t think he regret it and I know that I would never be able to trust him again, on top of that he did hurt me physically.
Years and years I have been abused, beaten, punches, kicked verbal abused and I still love him, I excuse what he did to me, I love him more, I do more just to keep him happy, I’m loosing my self from time to time, I fight all my strength until I drained my self when I found he cheated it was opened my mind all I did to him doesn’t mean anything to him, all I suffer, trying to understand him, forgive him when he gave me bruised and reaped my soul it for nothing. I have been looking after him, loving him, forgiving him, and when I saw my self that I bruised, broken and scarred. Who’s going to look after me? Who going to understand me, and I know clearly it’s not him!!! He said sorry but I don’t think he is sorry.

What ever his reason that is not excuse, it is not right!! His behaviour is not your problem, you need to look after your self first. Try to look into your self, love your self, accept that his attitude is unacceptable. And don’t try to change him. Accept and let him go. Love your self you will know what kind of man you wanted in your life. Treasure the pain, to make you stronger. I’m not going to say it is easy it hell so hard!! But it is worthy. You just to remember by letting him go you will have a chance to find someone. Don’t be afraid to be alone.. Enjoy it, live it up, no more walking on egg shell, no more pressure from him, it’s feel so good.
Get your self out before too late, the sooner the better.
Please read stories from these lovely ladies here..

Hugs
MP

[Anabela]

Thank you Healthyarchive and Millionpieces..
Those 5 questions are so accurate, and I can answer them all without thinking: No communication, No trust, Scared and always walking on egg shells, he definitely is addicted to weed, and we barely have any good times. It’s obvious, I need to let him go…. Before he completely destroyed me..

I do think, that if I found him cheating, I could walk away. He did though in the past, but it just was not call cheating, and I accepted it. But never again. I hope.

It is hard to admit that i love a man that never existed.

[Healthyarchive]

It is really difficult sometimes to make the necessary break. But I would like to let you know that the longer you stay in this type of damaging relationship the more severe the psychological damage will be caused to you post split. If I could turn the clock back i would have ended my association with him within the first 2 weeks as that is when I got the first red flags.

[Anabela]

That’s what I am thinking. I should have walked away within a first few weeks. Or at some points, that were crucial in our relationship. But I decided to tolerate so much, I was apologizing for the things I should have never forgiven. I am thinking all that, and dont do anything…
But maybe not for long….

[Ayanna]

Your situation reminds me of a relationship that I had many years ago. I moved to the UK and he followed me, financially and emotionally abusing me. He raped me when I visited my old flat. I hated him but could not let go on the other hand. In the end he dumped me when I was so broke financially, that I had no money to buy food for myself anymore. He needed another victim.

I have never forgiven him. I found out that he had no luck in life. All what he was going on he would achieve failed badly and he still struggles. Although he finished his university education. (detail removed by moderator)

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Anabela, my advice to you is to end it now, quickly just walk away. This is what I told myself I would do if this ever happens to me again. You may be thinking yes but or what if. But the mental health damage these men do to us without us even realizes lasts long after you eventually do split. I had red flags really from date 2, i lasted with him for a long time and he destroyed me mentally & almost had me sectioned. Still now months after we split i believe me might be starting to stalk me and I am having trouble sleeping. Just walk away.

[Anonymous]

Hi anabela its so hard to take that final step. Of course we still love them, despite all the horrible things they do. I ended mine (detail removed by moderator), I had looked back through my old emails to a family member, I was thinking I’ve leaving well over a year ago! It’s taken me a long time to find the strength to do it. Invisible chains is perfect. That’s what keeps us there, we love them but the man we love isn’t the real him. The real him is the abuser, the nice guy is just an act to keep us in the cycle of abuse. I really hope you find the strength to love yourself & walk away from this toxic relationship, you’ll begin to realise just how abnormal it was when you’re no longer with him.

[Lilycat]

Hi Anabela,

The key things that enabled my exit were the realisations that:

1. My abusers had a wildly different moral compass from most normal people, so reasoning with them and acting ethically had no effect on their behaviour.

2. I was just a resource bank/ punchbag for their inadequacies and insecurities, and no matter what I did they would try to get me into a position where they could take out their frustrations and exploit me financially.

We cannot make make cows fly and cannot make octopuses ride unicycles. We cannot make abusers act decently, only they have to come to the realisation that they need to change. Furthermore, we should not hang around until they decide to do this, because we inevitably end up waiting too long, at the benefit of our own wellbeing and safety.

Take care and stay safe

Lilycat x

[Anabela]

Thank you all for your posts. I have just got a chance to read them as my internet was gone.
The last days it seems he just phones to ask for money. For this and that. He has got another idea how to boost his career (which he has not started yet) and wants me to fund some of the qualification (hrrrrrrrrr. I have my own course to fund!!!!). Then he asked money for (removed by moderator).  And then lend money as well for another reason. If I give all that, I would not have enough money for myself until next pay day!!!!!! Who does he think I am???? I would very much prefer to treat myself to a dress than to give away all that hard worked money.
And will probably give what he is asking for… Thinking I will leave, but not just just yet. And I hope one day I will say I am fed up with all this, I dont care about love, which I am sure he does not feel anyway (as it is very conditional since his good mood has to be bought) and I dont know how much of it is left in me.

[Savingmyself]

Hi Anabela

Please Don’t give him your hard earned money , that’s financial abuse.
You said he cheated in the past but it was not cheating?

I have been with a cheater and they don’t change if they get the opportunity to cheat . You deserve a lot better , you can meet a man that will treat you and not take your money . Not be a cheater or violent.
Some one safe to have babies with
Big hugs x*x

[Anabela]

He has been dating another woman at the same time and convinced me that it is normal and that I am being possessive if I don’t agree with that. I was kind of aware, but I was in total denial and *** made it perfect to avoid this topic. A lot happened since then, that this fact does not really matter that much.
Although when I think about it, it is kind of part of emotional abuse. I was not even allowed to be angry about it. How many times I said I want to be okay with that, or I am okay with that, and how many times I apologized that my behavior does not show that I am okay.

[Savingmyself]

Hiya
I have been in the same position as you are
I have also been called jealous to be kept in line
But you can never be your self as you get set up to compete with other women
I had enough of him messing me around and I left him.
My abuser who is now with another women has never stopped contacting me
Asking to see me or go and spend time with him but I don’t answer.
So you have to be strong and change your number or ignore the begging. They don’t want to loose their money and sex
They are real users of women
Big hugs xx

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Anabela, reading your posts has made my blood boil. Not often to I get really fired up by posts, but your posts have REALLY angered me. I’m not normally a swearer but this man is treating you like ABSOLUTE S**T! ABSOLUTE S**T!

He is blaming you, gas lighting you, guilt tripping you, thieving from you, and now has been cheating on you. I expect through all of this he is offering you CRUMBS of hope by giving you those prized words, i love you. This is just to keep you dangling & confused by the way (30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships, its called Intermittent Reinforcement).

Dear Anabela, your situation reminds me so much of my own. I have been split from my ex now for *** months and my life has been transformed. Like you, we did not live together, i have my own place & he had his, though we were in a serious commited relationship. Towards the end, just before we split I believe he were actually grooming me, to maneuver me into a corner where I would tolerate absolutely anything. He made noises about other women, if he were not seeing other women at that point I believe he planned to start doing so, whilst I was still his partner. He messed so badly with my feelings about myself. I felt deeply insecure, insecure to my very core, i was severely anxious. Suspicious, used, made to feel that I was insane. And this was all done by him with a calm & collected demenour and a smile on his face. Mind games, power & control, silent treatment, blame, withholding information, taking my money, plausible deniability (a favorite expression of his), reverse psychology, another favorite, and then the hints of other women. I DUMPED HIM as I knew I would never tolerate that & I have never looked back.That said, post split a lot happens to us mentally, obsessive intrusive thoughts, grief, what ifs, loneliness. But all of this can be worked through. Kick this a*hole out of your life he is using and abusing you. XXXXXXXXXXX

[Serenity]

I decided to divorce him when his cruelty hit an all time low. I realised how evil he was.

[Anabela]

I hope I will manage to leave before this relationship destroys me.There is so much unexpressed anger in me. I deserve better. There is not a single thing that I like about him. Even the intimacy does not sweep me off my feet. It just doesnt feel real anymore.
I dont even know if I love him anymore. And yet I am addicted to him… He is not the person I felt in love with. He has nothing in common with a man I thought he was. I dont know why I can’t take actions.
Reading all the posts, does give me some optimism, that if other women managed to break away from abusive relationship, the day will come when I could do the same..
Healthy archive, you know I was thinking maybe I am exagerating. Maybe all that is not that bad.. It kinda confirms that if someone from aside can get angry on my behalf, I have to leave.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Anabela, your ex reminds me so much of my own. I DUMPED the ba**ard some months ago now, i no longer feel mentally unstable, doubt myself or have crippling insecurity. I do pray you can get out. Life is much better without all of those horrible mind games. These men wreck you self worth so you believe that you are rubbish. When you are not. Please do keep posting on here. You might like to read The Devils Toolkit by HG Tudor, its all about manipulation tactics. Its free to read on Amazon. Also Zari Ballard is really good at addressing trauma bonding and mental abuse. X*X

[Healthyarchive]

You CAN get out. I bet you are a lovely, beautiful person with many lovely attributes, you are wasted with this man who is making you feel so bad & bringing you down. Your life can be great if you get out. XXXXX

[Healthyarchive]

I hope that you are ok Anabela, I am thinking about you and hope that you are ok. X*X

[Nova]

HI..this is a long post, I have to type it out
Firstly I told him (detail removed by Moderator) that he can’t return to my place (where he lived rent & bill free, while earning big money, as we bought a property together I gave half the deposit(his name only on the deeds)
I asked him many many times to help, he’s enjoying the property & I was stuck in my place…& light bulb moment…ok he’s there having it ALL his own way…yet again.. I’m here sick & was sleeping on the sofa ( as I couldnt bear him next to me he used to keep me awake by banging doors, thumping around)
WHAT am I accepting?? WHAT is he actually doing here, to me??

I am new to this forum…I’ve posted a couple of times yesterday…to get my shared experiences out there!
phew! Anabela I feel for you, I have just took the step to get out of the same bleak existence as you & all other women here describe.
There are SO many different incidences & levels of emotional abuse that I’m indentifying with here, so scarey & sad to realise the person I cared for deeply could instigate this hatred towards me, & I to accomodate it, in the belief that it was x y z…all basically ways to try to figure his weirdness out!

From the start, as some of you have shared, it just didnt feel right. He came hating his ex’s everyone was wrong, against him -the victim…with debt, I knew him from years ago & became the Rescuer…thought how awful for him, these women his ex’s must be awful!…it went from bad to worse, many manty times I’ve told him to leave, & taken him back, believing that it was – just a row, he’s nice sometimes, would turn on the charm, make promises -the usual. Tell me it was my fault, I should be more supportive of him ( & his strange ideas)

Long story, which will no doubt come out bit by bit, as actually I have difficulty at the moment actually remembering …probably become confused & anxious about it all! I definitely need ‘survivor support’ He’s isolated me, I now have some health problems, hes taken ownersip of a property I have an investment in, broken me down emotionally, loss of close friends, work wise, insomnia, confidence…he’s planted ideas in my friends & familys minds that I’m ‘to blame’, hes the victim, basically telling them the same sob story he told me (detail removed by Moderator) ago!!
This is week 1…let see how I cope, wish me luck…I need it BIG time. I wish I could meet up with other women like a support group I need to talk about this, he’s ignoring me…just texts after (detail removed by Moderator)…

You can do it Anabela, get out for the rest of your life! it does not change.

big hugs x

[KIP.]

Hi cuppa, you need to contact your local womens aid and a solicitor if you havent already. My ex was hiding tens of thousands from me. Cheating whilst accusing me of cheating. They are very predictable if you educate yourself. Read ‘Living with the dominator’ by pat craven. Or ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. Try to go no contact. He will play mind games.

[Healthyarchive]

I own my house outright & have no mortgage, I don’t have kids. Within 6 weeks of meeting my ex he was making noises about moving in. He has his own flat with a mortgage. Because I have no mortgage he felt entitled to living with me & paying nothing, he planned to rent out his own flat & pocket everything. I had a battle on my hands for months just getting him to agree to contribute to bills. I did not want any man to live with me & i felt huge pressure for the first year that I knew him. He felt entitled to comfortably freeload off me whilst earning a tidy profit from renting out his flat. At one point I got a covert threat, ‘I move in or we finish ‘…what a charmer. Not! I dumped this loser.💪💪💪I pity any wealthy lonely widow who comes his radar.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi Anabela. Trust me when you say you nedd to get out while you can. I have and I have never looked back I’ve never regretted it. I’m so much happier without him and I’m getting divorced so I’ve got that to deal with too. This relationship is not making you happy he will not change and you cannot risk your safety and wellbeing by thinking you can fix him. It just will not happen. I walked out on my marriage fully well knowing it was him who destroyed it not me. Nothing was ever good enough for him nothing was appreciated. What you have my dear is not a healthy relationship. All us lovely ladies would not expect a friend to go through it so why we subject ourselves to even contemplate staying with these men I do not know!

[Anabela]

Hi Healthyarchive. I am okay more or less, thank you for caring. Although at the same time I feel in a mess. Whenever I am stressed, I loose my apetite, so lately I feel like I can’t be bothered to eat. And it is so d**n lonely. And I could go on and on.

Cuppa, welcome to the forum. I hope you will find it helpful, as it really helps me to put my thoughts in writing and clear my head. I still can’t stop being surprised, how much each abusive relationship have in common. I’m so sorry to hear that your family and friends believe him and do not side with you. I can imagine how good he is at talking and how convincing he must sound. As that sound just like my partner. And it is so frustrating to hear that he took ownership of a property! Such a thieves they are. Best of luck for you and I wish you stay strong.

Once we had a very big argument (which was even at a (detail removed by Moderator) which brought me to tears), that I should take a mortgage. I had some money sent from my parents which were meant to be for my (detail removed by Moderator), so his thought was to spend it as a deposit for mortgage. Ever since I got that money in my account, he started talking about mortgage, this is when I first started to get red flags, that he is into my money. He even expressed in some way that he would leave me, as we do not share the same vision for a future, but I just did not feel ready for such a big commitment as a mortgage at this stage of our relationship, especially as I knew all the responsibilities would fall on me only.Eventually he stopped talking about it, as that money slowly diminished, as I was the only one working, and my salary was just not enough to support both of us (and his expensive habits), so I needed to use the savings money. It is so frustrating when there is no financial support from your partner and on top of that he has his own plans for your money…

Thank you for your words Positiveandlookingahead. (detail removed by Moderator) If I had a friend in such situation, I would do my best to help her out of the relationship. But for myself, on top of everything, I feel sorry for him so much. What an idiot I am.

[Confused123]

HI HUn

JUst saw your post, please dont worry how he is going to get on , cause i will gurantee u he will not be bothered how u are gettign on, when i left my ex in between of the i love u , im so sorry, lets make it work, u also get a lot of abuse of them expressing their hatred for us. THey put us in this scenario, focus on rebuilding your life, I tried to keep it amiamble with mine at certain points, but they just play mind games and mess with your head, no contact is there for a reason

[AppleNinja]

Hi Confused123,

Ok, so I’ll get ready for the abuse – I know it will come no matter how friendly I will try to be.

If he called me vile names just because I rolled my eyes once, then he won’t be polite when he discovers I’m gone.

Yes, I get – I love you with all my heart!

Sometimes I wish aliens would come and abduct him so that I don’t have to inconvenience myself and my daughter!

Thanks,
Apple

[bubbles]

Hi Anabela
Years out of my terrible relationship i still love and miss him. He still stalks me and i could have him back today if I chose that. However, once you leave and develop your own life you have a different outlook. I had therapy and learned the normal way to be tret in life.

It’s not easy, infact it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. NC seems a horrible thought at the minute the first few days will be very long. You will realise each second as it passes and it will hurt. But as the days go on you do become stronger as much as that thought seems impossible from where you are now it does happen!

I made the decision because i looked at my life as a whole, you only get one life, and i was not living the life i chose for myself. I’d given him many chances and he’d refused to change (or agreed to it at first but it lasted no more than a day or two). Like i said before i could go back but i don’t want to live that way. My life may be lonely but iv developed a few good friendships and there’s a man in my life now although we have both decided to take things very very slow. I know when it’s a positive relationship with any person, Man or friend, because their reactions shock me i don’t expect people to behave so kindly or so maturely to situations.

Also i wouldn’t exactly say i was lonely. Alone time is not so scary asmuch as it is a gift to process, heal and find yourself. I enjoy being alone allot of the time it heals me.

also you mentioned you hadn’t fallen pregnant yet……. if you did are you willing to be a single parent with constant court battles? him using the kids to get to you? and if you stay and things do get physical which they may as the relationship gets further social services will constantly intervene and things don’t work well for the mother who doesn’t leave the abuser.
x

[Anabela]

Hi Bubbles,

Your post is so wise.
I know that I don’t want him to be a father of my child. He would make my life hell and take away the joy of the motherhood. And I would not want my child to witness his language and behaviour or be scared of him… And yet I want a baby…

I have started a martial arts classes. I dont know why, but I hope it would help me make a decision about my life, make more in control of my actions, more independent and less stressed….

I call him everyday. If we don’t talk I get worried, maybe he is seeing someone else. But I want to escape. I don’t know if I am ready yet to make this decision to escape though. I promised myself that if I see signs, that he has not changed, that he is getting back to his old self, I will run away. But it happened so gradually that I end up saying I love you after being called a b***h.

[bubbles]

Thanks Anabela.

Be very aware his behaviour may be very different to what you expect when it comes to you walking away. Like other have said he may get violent. When I walked away from mine and before he went to prison I’d walk away for weeks at a time and go nc and hole up in my parents house. But I never thought he’d do what he did when I walked away! He turned pathetic, a crying mess following me everywhere still does to this day X years down the line. He’s not posing a threat to me he’s broken and cannot move on. years ago if you’d of told me this all would’ve happened and he’d behaved the way he has I’d never of believed you in a million years! He behaved like I was a burden to him like an anchor tying him down and never wanted to spend anytime with me unless he was abusing me.

So you’ve set your sights on something you want a family, but you know it won’t work with him so there’s your goal! Not all single parents to abusive men have a rough ride though I was in two bad relationships and have 2 children to the first one. He made a fuss at first but he’s now vanished and I couldn’t think of a better situation me and my little family are in! We are really happy although I do see tv programmes with “normal” families on and think that might of been nice.
But yeah you’ve set your sight on what you want now and yeah it might take leaving a few times before you go for good but each time you’ll just prepare yourself more for when it fully ends! You will see who really holds the power between you two and you’ll see how many ch more you mean to him than he’s made out.

Please be persistent though don’t feel ashamed to post if you’ve gone back you need support now and we’ve all been there! I don’t think iv come across one woman who left the first time for good.

Good luck x

[AppleNinja]

Hi Healthy Archive,

I haven’t left my husband yet (I have difficulty saying ‘my husband’ actually). I’m making a plan but I feel just like Anabela in that I am my own barrier at this stage. I so don’t want to be with him but I feel exactly what you describe above, at the thought of leaving – deep sadness, pity, worrying what his life will be like, hope that he would be reasonable enough and we could stay in touch.

If you come across this message, I would love to know how you dealt with this dilemma. I am making a slow progress because these confusing feelings are causing a lot of inner turmoil. It would be very useful to know how you did it.

Thank you,
Apple

[Author]

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