How did your children cope

[naturallyravenblack]

Things are very turbulent at the moment. I was told there will be a space for my and my girls coming up next week but in the meantime I have to act normal.and remain calm so as not to give anything away ( i refused to answer his calls last night so he turned up unannounced trying to get in. Luckily I locked the door but he threatened to come back and smash it in so I’ve backed down) I wanted to know how your children coped with the move from your partner, particularly teen children. How were they at the refuge if you went to one? How were your children with changing schools? ( mine is adamant she doesn’t want to change her school at all) How did they adjust? Did they withdraw? Did they need counselling? We’re they happier?

Thanks

[Lisa]

Hello naturallyravenblack,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting. I hope you find the support you are looking for here.

It is natural you have questions about going to refuge and I hope it has helped to post on here to others who can answer from their experiences. The 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) can also discuss refuge with you if it would help to talk to someone. The Helpline Workers will not be able to give you specific detail about a refuge but they can answer general questions and can be a listening service. The Helpline is often busy but there is a voicemail available to request a call back at a safe and convenient time.

I wish you the best of luck with your move to refuge and I hope you and your children are able to feel safe and free from abuse. Please do keep posting to us when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[fizzylem]

Well done, almost out, keep going. Kids adapt, you will make it ok for them. Its very natural for all kids to feel reluctance to change. Once they start to feel the benefits in the move, they will feel ok. If there are things they are unhappy about then you can work on changing this together.

They will greive the end of the family unit as they knew it, so will need a bit of space and time for this, course, this is ok and natural. Life is a string of losses really, we cant prevent our children experiencing loss but what we can do is teach them how to deal with it. Sounds like you’ve all been in a pretty dire situation, they may well feel some relief it is over? If they dont feel that now and in the coming weeks, they certainly will a bit further down the line once they have something else to compare then and now with.

As difficult as it will feel, try and keep some boundaries in place with them, like same time for tea and bedtime, we still do homework, any routines they have had and you can still keep, they wont thank you at the time but it will help and they will feel the benfit even if they kick at the time.

You may need to deal with some anger, its ok to feel angry and to feel how you do hey, but its not ok to lash out or verbally attack, try to stay calm and drive this message, you may well be the one they need to help them learn how to deal with anger, they need to express it, but they need to learn to respond to it rather than react from it, gain some control over it hey, and they will also need you to help sooth it. Get help with this if needed, it can be tough for a single parent coming out of an abusive relationship, but again, you will get through it and once they have the abilty to work with anger it will stay with them for life and it is a really good lesson to learn hey – its equipment for life.

I would say counselling could be a good idea, but it has to come from them and be the right time, it may well be too soon at present. Maybe just bare it mind for now; maybe for now its just about getting out and feeling safe, destressing and looking after each other.

Get yourself bags of support, from wherever you can get it, if mums ok the kids will be ok, but mum isnt always going to be ok so it would good to know who you can call on for support to help with them when needed. Wishing all of you well; you will get through this and come out the otherside – all of you x*x

[Anonymous]

Hi naturalravenblack,

Its hard to avoid not overcompensating because of the guilt we can sometimes feel. Realisticallly though you have actually saved them from a lot of hardship. I agree as above try to keep the same boundaries. Reward good behaviour I tend to take the xbox earphones and mic away when my daughter is acting out or being disrespectful to me or anyone else.That is usually enough! Having firm lines means they have consistency. I might be over the top but I try to install her with as much positivity as I can for example change is good and its always exciting to meet new people. Its an adventure, new pasteurs . Deep down we all feel scared. We think to ourselves OMG what if they don’t turn out right? What if they have issues later on in life because of this? I feel that for sure. We can only do our best and as long as they know we will support them no matter what that unconditional love sees us through )xx

keep talking xx 🙂

[Author]

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