13th January 2021 at 10:22 pm #119706BlueshoeParticipant
Hi ,im reading ,why he dose that, trying to keep out his way, he’s nice charming smiles sweetly, I feel a bond! I’ve gone for walks , can anyone relate?
14th January 2021 at 11:05 am #119731LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for your post. I am sure lots of women here on the forum can relate to your situation and have also read that book.
If you haven’t already, you could get some support from your local domestic abuse service, you can find details for them here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
Take care and keep posting
14th January 2021 at 11:24 am #119735KIP.Participant
Breaking the trauma bond takes time and zero contact. In the mean time you can educate yourself on abusers. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Breaking that bond is like a drug habit. If you can understand that abusers are shallow people incapable of love or bonding to you it will help to see through his mask. Perhaps contacting your local women’s aid would help too x
14th January 2021 at 5:47 pm #119774EmpoweredhealingParticipant
Breaking that bond was the hardest thing I ever for me. Having a name for what you are feeling is essential. Also having good guidance. “Why does he do that” was the first book I ever read about abuse and it’s very good. My favorite is Patricia Evans series on verbal abuse. You’ve started the journey to understanding and healing now and that’s no small thing.
14th January 2021 at 6:21 pm #119778
Yes I’m in the same situation as you. It’s the hardest thing ever.
I’ve read books and been journalling but now I’m not at work he’s being fine. Well there’s been no big b**w ups lately. It’s weird though as it feels like those b**w ups were ages ago but in reality it’s only been a matter of weeks. I lose track of time but I guess that’s the importance of keeping a journal.
Have you been keeping a journal of his behaviour? x
14th January 2021 at 6:27 pm #119779GreenSapphireParticipant
We call this cognitive dissonance. It’s where our brains distance the rest of us – the feeling parts – from reality.
15th January 2021 at 3:56 pm #119823KIP.Participant
DescriptionIn the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance occurs when a person holds contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values, and is typically experienced as psychological stress when they participate in an action that goes against one or more of them”
So when he attacks you and then he’s crying and pleading that it wasn’t his fault that it won’t happen again. It’s easier psychologically to believe him than face the truth that he’s a psychopath that will very probably kill you eventually. But by believing him while deep down knowing he’s going to hurt you again, this causes us psychological stress. It’s a no win x
14th January 2021 at 11:46 pm #119797Hope123Participant
I wish I had an answer! Others give such good advice.
But I wish I had kept a diary. I did write a few things down but mostly I let things go and thought I need to write that down in the morning, then never did.
I wish I had it to reread when I sit and think about the good times as my memory tells lies.
15th January 2021 at 3:06 pm #119822ISOPeaceParticipant
Hi Blueshoe, I can really relate to the strength of the bond and the blanking things out when things seem good. I’ve had a bit of a shift recently though, which was at least in part due to reading “Why does he do that”. It really brought home how what my husband does is all about control and and how he is always able to justify his behaviour to himself. I think I’ve finally accepted that nothing I do will make things better. Also every time I do something to keep the peace, it feels like I’m selling part of my soul or like prostitution (even if no sex is involved). I read a excerpt from a book that said if you leave you will lose him but if you stay you will lose yourself. I’m also reading a book about trauma bonding, which I hope will help. It explains how the bond feels very strong but it is intense rather than intimate. It is based on fear and we stay because we’re trying to find safety but we never will find it with an abusive person. The times we think we feel safe are more like the equivalent of a drug induced high. The only way to truly feel safe is to leave and heal ourselves.
Sending love xxxxxxx
15th January 2021 at 5:49 pm #119829
Hello, I found Why does it do that? very insightful too.
Can I ask what the book on trauma bonding is please? xx
16th January 2021 at 3:08 pm #119862ISOPeaceParticipant
Of course. It’s the Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes. I just found it through Google so not sure if there are better ones. It has some exercises to do, which makes it feel a bit more practical. Xxxx
16th January 2021 at 4:31 pm #119871
Thank you x*x
17th January 2021 at 11:46 pm #119965IwantmebackParticipant
Think of the bond as a drug addiction, because that’s what it is like. We are addicted to the chemicals released in the love bombing stage as they are addicted to the chemicals released when they are abusing us. It’s how we sometimes push for them to explode as it’s better than waiting for it to happen and we know the lovebombing will start again. You literally have to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time sometimes. It’s why we return as we’re missing our ‘high’ the way a drug addict misses their high.
You will survive this, the timeline depends on how long you’ve been with the abuser and how do the abuse was. Think of it as Stockholm syndrome, it’s why we don’t press charges too.
Arm yourself with as much information as possible. Then you will start to see how textbook these men really are.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞
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