4th February 2020 at 3:08 pm #97068LottieblueParticipant
So as per Lundy Bancroft’s abuser types… Mr Demand is demanding support at the same time as being thoroughly unpleasant. I am not being sufficiently supportive at a tricky time.
When Mr Demand reiterates my failings and demands an apology, what should I do?
4th February 2020 at 8:15 pm #97096fizzylemParticipant
I opt out, dont go there anymore. I only respond to respectful email and nothing else; not sure whether you are in or out, still living together though or not. The devil in me wants to say, ‘say sorry not sorry!’ lol.
If you say sorry then you are stepping into his crazy thinking, validating he is right, showing him that you believe the story he’s created, this is the story we have both bought into, so I would try and stay true to myself in my response so it is made clear I am not allowing you to pull me into your crazy.
Sorry you feel that way?
Yes you are probably right, I dont have it in me to be anymore supportive right now, sorry about that?
Say sorry to shut him up and then continue to work on your exit plan? x
6th February 2020 at 5:32 pm #97243LottieblueParticipant
I am still living with him. Working on an exit plan.
He is currently away from home, asked me to go and be with him to support him. I went. Then I left again because he was so unpleasant. He agreed I should leave, but not, of course, for my sake but because I am useless and unfeeling.
So, as with most abusers, I am d****d if I do and d****d if I don’t. Whatever I do it won’t be right. At least by staying away I am protecting myself, even if it gives him more ammunition against me.
Question: is grief an excuse for abuse?
I am finding it hard to justify staying away from him, as he would (and has) answered yes to this question – although we talk about “anger” not “abuse”.
Fizzylem, your suggestion of “I don’t have it in me to be supportive” is absolutely spot on, that’s how I feel, I physically can’t endure the attacks, but I can’t say that to him, because he has this excuse, I should rise above it and be understanding that his behaviour is due to his grief. If only…
6th February 2020 at 8:32 pm #97251fizzylemParticipant
If this is how you feel LB then there is nothing wrong in that; this is where you are, he’s telling you to understand where he is right now but he’s not respecting this is where you are is he and you cant ‘command’ this from anyone.
If we can give we will, but if we aint got it then we aint got it have we.
I would say that in a typical relationship, where there has been no abuse, where things usually run along ok or pretty well, then yes, I would stand back and think this person is upset, emotional and stressed, I will bite my lip here. It is my tunr to carry the load, as he has carried the load for me also when I have needed it, this is what we do, one steps in and supports the other then steps back when this is no longer needed. You can never get into anything with an emotional person really anyway, it’s always better to offer support only. However, if this is at the end of a heap of s****y situations and abuse for you, then it is perfectly understandable you’ve got nothing to give him. Normal logic rarely applies when dealing with abuse.
So I would argue that no, grief isnt an excuse for abuse, it’s understandable that this person is struggling right now yes; and ordinarily we know this will pass with most people at some point, only you know it wont pass here don’t you, because his behaviour is the same grief or no grief.
He says you should rise above it, assuming you will always be there to take it; only for you this may well be the last straw x
7th February 2020 at 9:17 pm #97308WisewordsParticipant
Fizzylem is spot on. Exactly what I would have said but put in a better way that I could x. Stay strong x
13th February 2020 at 3:04 pm #97611self loveParticipant
It’s about setting boundaries, work out what you’re willing and capable of offering.
So say today I can give you a 1/2 hour (less or more) of listening time, then I need to do to take care of my own things as I’m getting behind. Stick to that, if ever suicide is threatened report to authorities x
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