How do I get him to leave?

[hpsauce]

Hi all,

This is my first post here so forgive me if it ends up being a long rant. I have only just really come to terms with the concept of being in this type of relationship so don’t even know where to start.

Basically I have broken up with my partner of (detail removed by Moderator) because I had come the the end of my rope with his controlling and what I deemed abusive behaviour and he is still living in my house with no plans to leave. He doesn’t contribute to the bills or mortgage (the house is in my name) and doesn’t help out with any chores. The only form of help he offers is with childcare (we share a [detail removed by Moderator] daughter).
When I ask him when he is leaving he accuses me of bullying him and being coercive and when I literally describe his behaviour back to him he accuses me of painting him out to be an abuser. A word I have always been very careful not to use in his presence.

I have always felt unhappy that our relationship was unequal. I felt like he had space to rant and slam doors and yell and behave badly while I never had space to do the same and when I tried to address it he would just say that I had been a b***h and he was sick of being my punch bag.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m not a take my feelings out on others kind of person. If anything I am so good at hiding my feelings people never know when I’m going throw anything so I know that what he says about me isn’t true.

He regularly criticises my parenting and the way my parents care for our daughter (they look after her a lot as we both work full time) and when I ask him to stop he just yells.

I have a catalogue of nasty text messages he has sent me calling me all kinds of names and making threats. I have also several recordings of him being abusive and nasty to me and threatening to take our daughter away and threatening to make things difficult after we separate. It doesn’t take much to rile him up. I just have to speak up about anything at all. I realise we lasted so long because I didn’t challenge him on a lot of things. The harmony of our relationship relied on my silence.

When I was pregnant I started to speak up as I felt an urgency about it to show our daughter what a healthy relationship is and if that wasn’t a possibility to show her what a strong mum is and that’s where things came to a head. He said that I ruined his dream of becoming a dad because I was so difficult during pregnancy. He was the opposite of supportive and while it wasn’t easy in general, I suffered from antenatal depression so was finding it quite hard to cope with an already difficult pregnancy, a lot of it came down to the fact that I was terrified that I had made a huge life mistake but getting pregnant by him.
He would allow me to take anti depressants which I was recommended by the drs, midwives and health visitor. (Detail removed by Moderator).

I had to put my foot down because where will it end? Everytime he doesn’t get his own way or changes his mind he makes it a monumental problem for me to prove that it won’t work. It happened with the medication, it happened after we moved house and he decided that he didn’t like the area anymore and our daughter should live somewhere (detail removed by Moderator)! Meanwhile he wants me to pay for all of this. Every whim and big idea he gets, I have to make it happen and put up with his moods while we get there!

I supported us during the pandemic and my pregnancy all while not working only to be disrespected at every turn. Every time I tried to get out of the relationship he wouldn’t engage in the conversation. He would make me feel like I had been heard but would never allow the conversation to continue. It was never a good time. So I felt trapped and continue to feel trapped event though we are no longer together.

He disrespects my family unless he wants childcare and suddenly he is nice. My parents put us up for free during the pandemic and once before when we were between flats and have always gone out of their way to look after our daughter and make things easier for us and he shows them no respect and every tried to prevent them moving closer to us when they lived three hours away before.

He has threatened multiple times (detail removed by Moderator) when I am out and once took my daughter (detail removed by Moderator) without my knowing (detail removed by Moderator). I hadn’t heard from him and he wasn’t returning my calls because I had broken up with him. He says that I made a huge fuss over nothing and his family were shocked at my hysteria but any mum would have reacted the same if her at that point (detail removed by Moderator) had been taken after a break up after complete radio silence and prior threats! Anyone would come to the same conclusion I had.

I know I probably need to take out some kind of order but I know it will massively inflame the situation. He has promised to fight me for custody.

I am just so tired I can’t bear the thought of things getting much work as before they get better. I just want my house back.

I currently work (detail removed by Moderator). I don’t ever get any rest and constantly feel exhausted and ill because I get every bug going now.

I don’t know whether he is aware of his behaviour or if he just can’t help it. He doesn’t acknowledge it in any way and never apologises.

What do I do? I am just so deeply exhausted.

Apologies again for the essay. My head is just full of all these incidents all the time.

[Hereforhelp]

Hello and welcome to the forum, oh my goodness you are in the right place…. your husband isn’t going to go anywhere, I am so sorry he treats you so badly and yes, there are Laws in place to help when you are ready.
No matter what you do to try and appease him it will never be enough… I was catching every bug going during the build up to somehow separating from my husband who refused to leave!
Yes you are exhausted, you do everything now and under all the tension of his next abusive episode, what I am trying to say is you are already doing everything, if you go for a non mol/order and he is forced to leave you will still be exhausted and the prospect of ‘what could’ happen or how he will respond can stop you in your tracks…

I would suggest reading Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven and if you can book into see a solicitor for a free 30 min talk but firstly, contact your local womans aid , they will support you and not force you into anything you don’t want to do.

Him taking your child is disgusting and then to minimise that you were making a fuss.. that’s typical abuser behaviour, he will probably start behaving like a victim, they nearly always go into victim mode to try and pull on your heart strings, your husband will k ow how to push your buttons… remember that you also know him… do not trust a word he says to you, push forward without him knowing and see how much help you can get… I was married decades, similar to you in that I did everything, there wasn’t much left of me when I finally separated and am now building up on the woman I now.
Keep posting ❤️ there is a life without abuse

[Footballfan1]

Hi Hpsauce,

Well done on the steps you have taken to protect you and your daughter.
It takes a lot of courage to do what you have done.

This is my personal opinion, you are obviously more aware of what your actions will cause therefore it I’d in your best interests to read up plenty of advice before acting.

I think you need to report to the police and domestic abuse services.

You also could lock him out of the house since he is not on the mortgage.
Normally he would have rights etc , but I think he will have lost those rights when he began abusing you in your home.
The local domestic abuse team should be able to advise you on this.
Xx

[Bananaboat]

Hello you’ve had some great advice already. Unfortunately he’s not going anywhere and will use every trick in the book to keep his comfy parasitic life going, so be prepared. If you haven’t already, then I’d suggest contacting your local council, as abuse falls under the reasons for homelessness. I felt so trapped in a joint tenancy that he refused to leave and the council were so helpful & supportive. It still took time to bid and win somewhere but until this forum pointed me in that direction I’d been begging & praying he’d move out. He’d still be there now if he could. It goes against every grain of our being but sadly you can’t be fair and reasonable with these people, there’s no logic or acknowledgment of their part. Focus on you and your daughter and read everything you can, the more you learn the more you see and grow in strength from x

[hpsauce]

Wow thank you so much everyone. Is so nice to hear from people who have been through this and know what it’s like.
I have a 30 minute consult with a solicitor next week so have been getting my questions ready.
I did report him to my local health visiting team after he took her up north and check in with the regularly. Just getting my ducks in a row.
Will definitely read that book Here for Help. Thank you for the kind rec.
Sending you all lots of love.
Thank you for inspiring me and also taking the time to reply. Means a lot x

[Hereforhelp]

Well done for reporting him, you are doing so well pushing forwards for an abuse free life ❤️
I went to 3 different solicitors for 30 min consults, just so you know that you can also do this, DA experienced professionals are always best for us in abusive relationships as many people (some professionals too) just do not understand… we do on here ❤️
Keep posting

[hpsauce]

Thanks so much Here for Help, that’s a really great idea. I will definitely do that. I finish my current job in a few months and really want my home back before then, A so I can experience going to work and coming home to a peaceful home and B, so I know I’ll be ok when I don’t have work to escape to.

Thanks again,

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