31st December 2020 at 11:52 am #118780
This is my first post and not really sure where to start.
I’m not 100% sure if you can call it an abusive relationship. As so many people are far worse off then myself. But what I do know is that the relationship is not okay and it is a toxic environment for my children to be brought up in.
We have been having counselling sessions but these have made me realise that I don’t want this relationship any more. We just go round in circles, things b**w up etc. I tried to leave once before but he said he would kill himself and said that he would make sure the kids grew up knowing I had made him do it.
So I stayed with him. A couple of times i have come close to ending it. But again it resulted in him threatening to kill himself, telling me I was messing the kids lives up. So I end up feeling guilty and go back and often apologies just so he will turn back into the nice person again which lasts a short time.
Anyway (detail removed by Moderator) I took a different approach I didn’t wait until I was angry and had extra passion behind me to drive me forward. Instead I said I wasn’t happy and that I didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore.
Like a child he covered his ears and just told me I was being a (detail removed by Moderator) and to go to bed. I tried to make myself heard I truly believed I had said what I needed to.
I went to bed, a little nervous- in the past if we had, had a fight he would poke me or jump on the bed just as I was dozing off to startle me. Then pretends it’s nothing. I was concerned he would do this again last night.
Fortunately our daughter came into the room and asked to come into bed – I let her possibly only coz I knew she was of some protection to me- sounds stupid really.
(detail removed by Moderator) I woke and he pretended everything was fine. He keeps coming up to me and trying to hug me. I freeze and ask him to get off to which he mutters something and walks off.
After a while of him realising I’m not giving in so easily. He has spent the next part (detail removed by Moderator) telling me how I have ruined everything Xmas and newyear, how I’m (detail removed by Moderator) and need to (detail removed by Moderator).
(detail removed by Moderator) I plan to sleep in the spare room but I know he won’t be happy.
How do I get him to take me seriously and to move out. I cannot afford to move out and pay towards our current mortgage. He can’t afford the house on his own, but I can’t let it just be taken away.
I want the stability for the kids to stay where we are. But I believe he has rights to stay in the house?
I just don’t think I can live separated in the same house. It will be awful.
Sorry for such a long post, words ran away with me!
31st December 2020 at 12:11 pm #118782
I’ve not been in the home-ownership situation with an abuser but I think one of your first ports of call would be to contact some solicitors for advice. Lots of solicitors will offer a short and free first consultation. If you can find solicitors who have experience of domestic abuse cases they would best suit your needs.
Women’s Aid will also be able to help you with support and advice. They deal with exactly these issues day in and day out so you’ll be in good hands. They have a livechat option where you can talk directly to someone from Women’s Aid, so i’d recommend you root out this on their website and contact them when it’s safe and convenient for you to do so.
Best of luck x
31st December 2020 at 1:33 pm #118787OptimysticParticipant
Hiya, I relate to your experience very well. My son comes into my bed when we both have a sense of dread,it’s exactly that feeling of protection. I’ve tried talking too, but these men aren’t capable of rational, reasonable discussions. They won’t listen or ever put us first. My partner will lose his servant and his emotional punchbag so he won’t ever go. Do you have somewhere you and the kids can go temporarily? I have a solicitor appointment soon, someone who only deals in family law and she has experience of domestic abuse. I think it’s impossible to sort out the house and custody without this support. You might be able to have him removed for a period of time at least to sort these things out. Good luck! But after all my emotional wrangling and feeling trapped, I know my only option is to leave, have my solicitor guide me and for her to get me what I can x
31st December 2020 at 2:02 pm #118788RockandrolldreamscomethroughParticipant
I Just wanted to come on and show you some support by echoing the advice you have been given, definitely speak to women’s aid whether it’s this one or a more local one to you. They both should be able to advise, you can also get 30 mins free with a solicitor I believe. I 100% can relate to what you’re going through. Although me and my ex didn’t have a mortgage together we had a joint tenancy which meant he had as much rights as I did to our house. It was a fight to get him to remove his name but he did in the end!
My ex and your partner sound very similar, abusers very often use the “I’ll kill myself” route to gain control and make us feel sorry for them. Mine also said similar things like he would write a note to our child saying mummy made daddy kill him self. It’s a tactic they use to scare us and make us stay with them out of fear. They do say things like I’ll make sure everyone knows you drove me to it but realistically without sounding insensitive, if they’re dead how are they going to make sure anyone knows anything if they’re physically not here to do so. It’s another tactic and it’s really good that you’ve seen through it! It took me years to see that.
You sound like you’re making all the right steps, good luck x
31st December 2020 at 2:11 pm #118789
Thank you all for your messages.
I’m still in the stage I’m worried people will laugh at me and not believe me that this is abuse.
Due to Covid I really don’t feel I can move in with anyone else at the mo.
But I will talk direct to women’s aid and see if they can advise.
31st December 2020 at 2:46 pm #118791KIP.Participant
You will be believed. We all felt the way you do because that’s how abusers make us feel. That no one would believe us. I still feel that way. The evidence was overwhelming and I was still surprised when he was arrested and I was believed. When he got a criminal conviction and I was believed. When his lies were outed and I was believed. They do a good mind hack on us. You will be believed x
31st December 2020 at 4:01 pm #118800
You will be believed. In fact you may be surprised at how much you’ve minimised or what you might have forgotten. Keep a journal and you’ll probably see patterns emerge.
I lived with my ex husband in a house he owned but I contributed to equally for years. I tried for years to get him to leave, saying I’d take on the bills etc at least until the house was sold. He was going nowhere. He’d sometimes say he would but he was just teasing me. In the end I’ve moved out. The rest will have to be sorted at a later date. It took me a long time to get to the point where I felt that I had to cut my losses for the sake of mine and my son’s welfare.
I went to see my local domestic abuse service and they have me advice. At no point did they make me feel pushed into any decision I didn’t feel ready to make. Their priority was to help me consider options and to make sure I was safe with my son.
Be prepared for mind games, mr nice guy, raging. These men will stop at nothing to regain control. Leave no stone unturned. I looked at every scenario before I left. I got copies and photos of important documents. I lied and appeased my husband until I knew my plan. Did I feel guilty? Yes! Needs must. Look after yourself and your children because these men will only ever look after number 1 xx
1st January 2021 at 9:03 am #118849
Thank you all, after a few days of him not really believing there was any truth behind my asking to separate. I think he is now starting to realise but it’s left me feeling awful. He sent me messages all last night saying that I couldn’t just give up on the relationship. That I had chosen it so I was stuck and to stop moaning and get on with it.
I spent the night on the sofa.
I’m exhausted and dreading the mood he will come out of the bedroom this morning when he finally surfaces.
I want to talk about one of us moving out at weekends (week days we don’t see each other due to work shifts)
I am so concerned that although I have moved forward I am no better off due to him still being so horrible and bad tempered in front of the children.
1st January 2021 at 9:11 am #118850
I’m so sorry Nutkin. You must be exhausted. You can’t reason with these men. He’s lying. You don’t have to put up and shut up. Sadly, seldom do they make reasonable agreements. I couldn’t get my ex out of the house. I had to leave. He was going nowhere. Then he had the cheek to say he was scared and frightened! The only thing bothering him was no one to cook and clean for him and pay half the bills.
You are moving forward. You are seeing the relationship in the reality. That’s a massive massive step. Took me years to get to that point. These other issues are practicalities. Be careful when attempting to negotiate. Things can escalate. In the end I just packed up and left, it was safer. Can you get some advice and explore options? Xx
1st January 2021 at 10:18 am #118855
Thank you Hetty,
You are so brave to have managed to have left. I think I need other things like work to resume back to normal, I have lots of support and people to talk to there which helps so much.
Just feeling at a loss of what to do next. I will see if he speaks to me at all today.
I don’t really have anyone I can stay with at the mo due to different reasons to do with Covid and keeping everyone safe.
Thank you for listening and chatting I cannot explain how much it helps to feel not so alone.
1st January 2021 at 10:32 am #118856EggshellsParticipant
Ah, if I had a pound for every time someone has come on here saying that the abuse they have suffered is not as bad as other people’s. They then go on to describe the most horrendous psychological abuse – just like you did.
What he is subjecting you to is awful and coming to an acceptance of this can be very difficult. From what you have described, he is not going to leave the house unless he is forced out. You could look into non-molestation orders. If you google “Leaving an abusive relationship rights of women” and scroll down to the rights of women link, it will take you to a very comprehensive guide with lots of options for removing him.
Please don’t be put off moving in with family because of Covid. I left and moved in with family in the height of the summer pandemic, in the middle of the lockdown. You are allowed to leave to escape domestic abuse. If you are concerned about vulnerable family members then try to plan your move so that you can get a COVID test two days before you move in with them.
Please don’t try to discuss this with him. However much hope you might hold that he will be reasonable, he won’t. Even if he appears reasonable and agrees to move out, he won’t actually do it. Disussing it with him any further won’t help you and he will actually use it against you.
Honestly, I think that your best bet is to try and find a solicitor who specialises in domestic abuse and let them handle everything. It’s expensive, but in the long run it may well cost you less if you have a solicitor who understands this stuff.
You have a lot of women standing with you and sending you strength, please know that and take courage from it. xx
1st January 2021 at 10:43 am #118857
Thank you Eggshells
I know this sounds really stupid and that I just don’t want to believe it but although I see the behaviour as abusive i genuinely don’t feel that he has done this intentionally. I’m not sure I could ever say to a solicitor that I am leaving due to abuse just that the relationship has had a break down.
I’m never going to be strong enough to fight him and say I think it’s more.
Does that make sense or do I just sound silly?
1st January 2021 at 11:08 am #118859
Would it be helpful if you were able to say why you think you’re not in an abusive relationship and that the relationship is a normal one which has broken down?
Try to describe why you believe this without giving away identifiable details which relate specifically to you if you can.
1st January 2021 at 12:12 pm #118865
I have been in this relationship for over half my life. I just feel that he must love me, he always tells me I’m pretty etc. I wonder if maybe some of this is my fault I drive him to be get cross?
Sometimes he can be lovely other times he’s just horrid.
1st January 2021 at 12:50 pm #118871
There’s a book which I think you might find helpful. It’s called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. If you decide to read it, it will explain a lot of things in ways that perhaps might be more understandable. It’s your choice and your decisions as to how and what you want to think and do.
1st January 2021 at 12:15 pm #118867
It does make sense Nutkin. The first time I admitted to the abuse was walking into my local domestic abuse service and breaking down. Now I’m out I’ve just been doing small things that I can tolerate. It’s taken me weeks to get the courage to ring the bank and get me off the joint accounts. Small steps at your own pace is what’s needed. Sometimes that means doing things that break our hearts and are so incredibly difficult but you have to keep your focus on freedom from a toxic relationship. It will get easier. Nothing is harder than staying in an abusive relationship. Xx
1st January 2021 at 12:19 pm #118868
Don’t blame yourself for getting cross. My ex keeps talking about “we” as in we are both at fault. We are not at fault and if at times we’ve been angry trust that you’ve reacted perfectly normally to a very abnormal situation. My ex showered me in compliments. I think he meant them but only so far as to show me off as a trophy. Idealisation and love bombing are all part of the abuse. Real love doesn’t hurt us. In healthy relationships we thrive, we aren’t systematically destroyed. xx
1st January 2021 at 12:31 pm #118870gettingtiredParticipant
Mine has said things like ‘we’re both as bad as each other’ or ‘just as guilty as him’ or when I’ve questioned things he’s done he’ll start saying I’ve done x,y or z. I think the only time he’ll admit he was wrong is when I’ve left him but that will just be empty words no doubt to get me back x
1st January 2021 at 12:28 pm #118869gettingtiredParticipant
Everything you’ve written is so similar to other women’s posts and my own thoughts and feelings. I didn’t think it was as bad as what others were going through, just couldn’t really accept he was doing it intentionally as he loves me and can be so kind and loving when he wants to be etc.
A few months on and I’m slowly starting to realise it actually is all intentional. The mask has slipped a few times. Even last night he was playing the little, broken victim, minutes later he stormed in swearing, raising his voice, pointing his finger at me. It was a shock to see that switch up right in front of my eyes 👀
Jumping on the bed to startle you is horrid. The anxiety that will give you from him doing that, just awful. Mine has stormed in before when I’m in bed, snapped the main light on, ripped the covers off me that kind of thing. If he’s in one of his moods and still awake when I go to bed I do feel a bit anxious about going to sleep.
Like your partner mine has threatened suicide countless times too. He’s also said things along the lines of how it will be my fault. I mean, can you even imagine saying that to someone?! I certainly can’t. I think we minimise it all to help us cope and if you’ve been together a long time it just becomes our normal.
It’s very sad how many women have experienced this kind of behaviour but it certainly helps with making you feel less alone posting on here. Xx
1st January 2021 at 12:58 pm #118872
Thank you everyone, this is literally the most wonderful place to share things.
You are all so great and strong.
I was dubious of writing on here and took a long time. Now I’m so pleased.
1st January 2021 at 5:25 pm #118895EggshellsParticipant
It doesn’t sound silly at all Nutkin. So many of us have been there.
I remember peopke replying to so many of my early posts and me thinking that they had got it wrong, that my abuse wasn’t as bad as their abuse and that my partner wasn’t as bad as theirs. I read “Living with the Dominator” and that’s when I first started to really understand the extent and serious nature of the abuse.
We protect ourselves by convincing ourselves that its not that bad. We tell ourselves its normal to have ups and downs, that all women are raped by their husbands, its just that they don’t talk about it. The reality is shocking so we find a way of minimising or trivialising it. That makes it easier to deal with, easier to survive.
Please have a look at the cycle of abuse. If you Google trauma bonding better help, then go down to the better help link, there is a really good explanation about those nice times, when we think they are showing love.
If its a pattern that you recognise, then you are almost certainly in an abusive relationship.
Please take this one step at a time. We all go through this journey at a different pace.
Keep coming back to post as often as you need, there is do much knowledge and understanding on this forum. There are lots of good books and there should be help in your local community. As and when you are ready the ladies here will always be happy to try and help you.
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