10th February 2020 at 10:35 pm #97494CosmoParticipant
Hey, I have messaged once before on here and have come a long way since then. I am a bit stuck now though and need some advice from those going through/ been through it.
I have tried to break up with him, before Christmas I sent him away to his family while I stayed in our shared house (rented but we’re both on the tenancy agreement) I pay all the bills and have done since day one I haven’t receive a penny off him. When I kicked him out I grew massively as a person and came out of my shell, those around me could all see it and I opened up to them about my issue. The problem is I can’t take their advice and just ‘cut him out’ as much as I’d love to. For one, I still care massively about him and despite my efforts to break up with him it ends in the same way; me caving because I feel terrible. And two, he is on the tenancy so kicking him out for good isn’t going to be so simple.
I have broken up with him a total of 5-6 times since December and each time it’d end in a phone call lasting all night him being caring and loving towards me but I know what he’s like more often than not. I finally got past the day and broke up with him and then he messages me saying he’s on his way to our house as he has a job interview in the morning, I tried to deny him of this and he threatened to call the police as I’m not letting him into his own house (how much standing do I have here?).
My point is I’m struggling, my mental health is in the gutter and o don’t seem to have the strength to break it off completely, I don’t want to really go into the abuse I’ve gone through because it isn’t the forefront but I want him out but I’m afraid of what will happen after. What’s my best option if he’s in the tenancy agreement? How did others get out of their situations?
11th February 2020 at 9:28 am #97499maddogParticipant
Breakidng free is often the most dangerous time when you’re dealing with an abuser. Please speak to Women’s Aid who can help you with a safety plan and if you haven’t already done it, the Freedom Programme is fantastic. It’s really hard to understand and believe that we live/have lived with a shadow, that we fell in love with an image and that the reality is so very different.
For your own safety it’s important to go Grey Rock. Discuss nothing with your partner. He will only throw it back at you and you will feel worse. Your GP should be able to help you with your mental health and guide you for extra support. You may find Rape Crisis helpful. Victim Support may also be able to help you whether or not you have spoken to the police.
The police are also key holders for help and you may find it useful to speak to the Domestic Abuse team.
I had little choice but to make a statement to the police as I was in custody. I was too afraid to want them to speak to my ex. It took a very long time until they told me they had no choice.
Please get real life support and keep posting here. You are not alone and it’s a horrible time. Citizen’s Advice is also a brilliant resource.
11th February 2020 at 8:09 pm #97528LisaMain Moderator
Hi there Cosmo, as Maddog has already said do get as much support in place as you can. You can find the details for your local domestic abuse service here. They won’t tell you what to do, or make you do anything that doesn’t feel right, but they could help you to work through what you would like to happen.
You could also get some support from Women’s Aid through the Live Chat.
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