How do I get out?

[Hetty]

I’ve been on here before, last year, when things got really bad then lockdown happened and I felt completely trapped. Round and round in circles I go. It’s been years I‘ve been in this horrendous nightmare and utterly miserable. The thing is I might just have an option, there’s an empty house belonging to a relative I could move in to with my child. It’s my ticket out. Thing is I keep making excuses why I can’t go – upheaval for my child as it’s out of area, travel to work, just started a new more demanding job etc. I can’t understand why I am paralysed when my life is so unhappy.
I’m suffering badly with a loss and my OH thinks I should be over it now. He managed a short period of being ok but we are back to me being berated and bullied. So why can’t I just pack up and go?
I’m scared to tell him. I can’t just leave as he’s literally under my feet 24/7. He’d know where I had gone to and I’m scared he’d cause trouble, damage my car, harass me. I’m not sure I could feel safe.

[KIP.]

You’re scared to tell him for very good reasons. He’s brain washed you and programmed you to live in fear of him and the consequences of crossing him. That option of the empty house seems perfect. None of the down sides you present are worse than living in an abusive relationship and that’s already destroying your confidence and affecting your child. You need to just take that leap of faith and surround yourself with a support network that can help you make that leap of faith. The indecision causes huge anxiety. You need your ducks in a row. Women’s aid. Family and friends, a solicitor, the police, Your GP. But you have to choose to walk away from this. Trauma bonding and feelings of ‘normality’ in an abusive relationship need to be addressed and broken and you can do that when you leave. Don’t waste any more years on him and keep yourself safe.

[Beautifulday]

Hi there !
I completely agree with what @KIP said!

See this as your way out! I think if you don’t take it you will maybe wish you had, it will be tough but be strong and just think it will be much better than living in this hell you are living everyday.

Its easy for me to say this,im stuck in a relationship too but mainly due to a shared mortgage 🙁 if I wasn’t stuck in a mortgage with him and I had an opportunity like yours I definitely would take it!!

Like Kip says get your ducks in a row this is what I’m doing, do it in secret, try to put money aside, contact a solicitor, get advice from your local womens aid and GP, you will feel stronger for doing so.
It sounds like you are trauma bonded I am too and its such a horrible thing. I find myself thinking what will HE do, how will HE cope, what if HE gets upset , what if HE has nowhere to go. Its what is empaths do we slways worry about others before ourselves and our own needs, when I feel myself thinking this way I have to stop myself and turn it around and think of myself, my needs, my wants how I feel, and forget about his needs.
This is what they do they make us feel accountable for them, make us feel guilty . Guilt plays a huge part in why I havent left yet but im slowly working through my trauma bonding issues and trying to work on myself, focusing on me.

You can do this but you need to get support too ! Take that leap of faith it will be hard but so worth it xx

[Hetty]

Thanks for your replies. I’m still trying to build the courage. It’s so hard and really stupid when this isn’t best chance of getting out. I’m so scared.

[KIP.]

I was scared too but you just need to push past the fear and jump. Realise it’s his way of control by making you scared but there’s lots of help out there and in you’re new place he has no rights to come there x

[Author]

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