How do I get over it, and stop it affecting new relationships?

[SoundingElement]

I got out of a emotionally abusive relationship (removed by moderator) years ago. For background, my ex was a manipulative person who accused me of cheating, he’d check my knickers before I went out with friends, etc. All the while, cheating himself – mainly with other guys. For some reason, even when he admitted this to me I stayed with him. When I eventually left, with help from friends, he threatened suicide and blackmailed me with our cat. He harrassed me for months afterwards, creating a fake facebook, talking to people I knew but didn’t know the situation to find out where I was, and continuing to message me to try get us to meet up – I was so scared he would find out where I lived. Eventually my mum reported him to the police and they went round to speak to him. This eventually cooled him off and thankfully I’ve not heard since (though I still get terrible night terrors).

I was also sexually abused (removed by moderator) years ago and have only just come to terms with this. I think this is what initially made me vulnerable to an emotionally abusive relationship. This is something I really struggle with talking about though.

Moreover, my father had a (removed by moderator) year affair on my mother and barely sees me anymore – prioritising his mistress over his kids. Unfortunately, I was the one to find this out and break it to my mother (removed by moderator) years ago.

I really don’t know who to turn to right now but I need to find help somewhere as I’ve tried counselling and the problems just won’t go away. I feel like nobody understands how I feel and sometimes I feel crazy.

This is starting to ruin a new relationship. I desperately need advice.

He’s a great guy, really lovely and we’ve been together just short of (removed by moderator) months. Though, when I started to discuss moving in he got a bit scared and said “(removed by moderator)”. Since then, he’s been sorry for saying this and said he does want to move in but is scared I’ll go off him. However I just can’t get that statement out of my head and it’s turned me into a paranoid mess. It’s the word “enough”. I feel like I’ve never been “enough” and I’ll never be “enough”. I want so desperately for someone to love me “enough”.

It’s bought a whole flood of emotions back, and now I’ve just become an insecure mess. If we don’t have sex then I get paranoid it’s because he would rather masterbate, if we do have sex but it’s with the lights off, it’s because he doesn’t want to see me. I feel so unattractive and have no confidence anymore.

I’m scared of pushing my new partner away, but I just can’t let myself be happy. He’s so lovely and kind to me – completely different to how I’ve ever been treated before.

I’m not sure if this is the right forum for this, but I just need some reassurance about how I am feeling and I guess how to manage it.

Thanks xx

[fizzylem]

Gosh you’ve been through alot SE. It’s great you have noticed you struggle sometimes and how this is effecting how you feel in this next relationship – shows you there is stuff to process before you can get to the place where you feel ok about things.

I can’t be with anyone new right now, I feel that until I am content in myself and life, it would be unfair of me to bring another into it. I’d like to be free of him and the past first. Problem is, as you have noticed, your problems become his problems don’t they. I feel until our child arrangements are sorted and things have been running along without any difficulties for a while, only then might I feel this could be the right time to have new relationship, because at the moment he still causes us difficulties, so I don’t want someone else to also have to go through this with me.

I kind of see it as though I need to be living my best life first, only then would I be open to a relationship maybe, because my best life means I will be content, have only great people around me, and also be happy in my work. Feels like I need to tick all these boxes first, that this foundation may provide me with a better chance at having a successful relationship. When you love the life you’ve got, you are very careful regarding who you let into it too; especially as it takes a lot of blood and sweat to get there after abuse.

If he said this to me, I would be keen to find out what his fears are here. What does he think that living together would show you that you don’t see now?

He has some apprehensions, and that is absolutely fine, ok and understandable – what are they? Sounds to me that what he maybe needed was for you to respond here, to talk and think about what these are -what apprehensions you both have? What difficulties do you both have that you are each bringing with you? What is it about you or him that makes others difficult to be around sometimes?

But instead this conversation has been shut down – not talked about because this hurt you and this is the last thing he wants to do. Better to make it go away, not address this then, only it’s not is it, it means you have not learnt a bit more about one another, and what you might be signing up to if you live together.

I’d like total honesty in my next relationship, I don’t want him to feel he needs to hide stuff from me, I’d like for us to always be open and to talk things through, of course this also means hearing stuff I won’t like or agree with at times, stuff that may even feel a bit hurtful to start, but I think as long as we communicate with love, respect and openess this should be ok right? I’d like my choices to always be respected, so it feels like I therefore need to show this by always respecting his too; I’d like him to always be supportive, so again, guess this means I need to always offer this as well, especially through those times when it feels I’d rather he chose something else yes?

You say you’ve had counselling, but from what you’ve described here, it’s likely you need years of therapy, these issues are difficult to manage and overcome, certainly if you are trying to go it alone. I imagine your counseling did help with some of it, it’s just there is more work to be done, and if this is not the case, then you were not with the right therapist, counselling should always help, if it’s not then move on and find a therapist that does. I have had around 5 different therapists over 15 years, for various issues; and each of them helped me with some of what I needed. I also walked away from a few, those I felt were not helping me.

You’ve described a number of issues that have effected you and your development – which have happened over years, so understandably 10 sessions of any therapy is not going to fix this, even 20 or 30 sessions won’t, will help though, will give you some of what you need. It’s a process, a life long committment to learning isn’t it. There can be goals within this to achieve yes, but until you free of the things that have happened and have taken the growth and awareness you need, it would be good to have this kind of support in your life. You wont always need therapy no and you can take breaks when you feel this is needed for a time, but for now it seems there is still alot of work to be done.

If you struggle to talk about the sexual abuse then this shows us you are not free of it yet doesn’t it, that there unresolved emotions at play here. I could be wrong but it sounds like you have gone from one difficulty into the next, never really attending to each of these, so now you’re dragging a string of issues around with you and each of these come with a set of difficlties – and they have now all become intertwined, meaning it’s complex and you need some help here, so it would good to attend to each.

I think that a committment to your healing for a while would likely serve you much more than moving in with this man, because this will only make it more complex and difficult to manage; like you say, you can already see how you are at risk of sabortaging and or damaging the relationship. These issues won’t go away when you live together will they. They will only feel more heightened at times. I would want to protect this relationship if it is good and this were me, and I would do this by resolving my issues – which would also be giving yourself what you need here too hey x

[SoundingElement]

Hey FL,

Thanks for your reply and sharing a bit of your own story. Luckily I don’t have any children so it made it easier for me to move on, but can completely see where you’re coming from!

Issue for me was I did think I was ready to move on when I did, though I think some of the issues I have I’ll never truly be over – they feel part of me.

We do talk, and he knows a lot about me, but naturally I do close off conversations as last time I opened up in my previous relationship, it was taken advantage of. So it takes me longer to open up now, and be fully honest about how I’m feeling.

I also have a huge sense of pride – I’ve refound my independence, renting my own flat and buying a car (I sold my own one when convinced in the previous relationship it would be a good idea). So it takes a lot for me to take my guard down. I guess talking about difficult subjects feels a little bit scary, like I’m letting down that big shield of independence and pride.

I agree maybe I need to give counselling another go, thank you for this encouragement. I think after this COVID-19 Pandemic is over I’ll re look into it. As you say, I think with years of things happening I’ve found it really easy to just distract myself with work and other things, and power on through each problem. It’s only now that it all comes tumbling out, as you say it’s now complex 🙁

I just desperately want to feel happy. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost a piece of me.

Thank you for all your help xx

[diymum@1]

Ive certainly felt exactly the same as you are right now SE. Vulnerable scared and a voice telling me ‘your not good enough’ you cant map out the future but what i can say it will fall into place. i didnt think so but it actually has but its taken me quite a few years to get there and i still have my moments. on my journey i felt it helped to read about why abusers do what they do. i honestly felt the blame and guilt shift from my shoulders. you need validation over and over until it sinks in. He is who he is no matter who he had met he would have behaved the same. this is not because of your vulnerabilities from before. i thought that too but now i dont. over time youll start to recognise how resilient you are and with that you will gain belief in yourself and in your new partner. with new experiences youll learn together. for me i learned how to resove our differences through sitting down and working it all out. knowing when he was angry he wasnt going to lash out – he would walk away cool off come back and discuss things. now weve gone to discussing the problem right away. like everything your relationship will evolve and so will you. it gets better i promise 🙂

love diymum

[fizzylem]

This is good to read SE, you’re in there only at the moment you cant be all that you are and can be, so you need to clear the way a bit. Your willingness to look at the self for the answers will serve you well here. It will feel like this is who you are and a part of you for now because these difficulties have been with you a long time and you’re now stuck – atm, we can stay stuck for a long time sometimes, I know I have.

These things do shape us without a doubt, and they can flatten us for a while, but when we attend to it and us we grow from it, we come to feel thankful for the apples and the pears, in fact we often take more growth and learning from those situations we find most difficult yes?

Think of each difficulty you have experienced as a bag, full and heavy, you’ve been collecting them haven’t you and they are weighing you down, but imagine if instead you were to open one, and were to take out what you need from it before casting it aside to move on to the next; there is still plenty of time to do this isn’t there, and it is maybe only now that it has become the right time – it always needs to be the right time doesn’t it – whatever it is.

When you come through this more so, you will know what you need to do in life whenever you feel stuck again. To be resiliant is to accept I will feel lost and vulnerable again, I don’t have all the answers and I will always need the help from others sometimes, so learning to recognise this is one of those times, I am stuck here is golden, because this also tells me I need to reach out now and get the info, help or support I need, and if I don’t know who to ask or where to go already, I do know I have the skills to find out, and that I need to talk to others.

Reckon you’re at a turning point now; and it sounds like you’re pretty confident you’ve got a good catch here with this man, if you feel you’d like to take the next step with him. I do hope it works out well for you, willing you on for much success and happiness. FL.x

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