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    • #112874
      Retilequeen
      Participant

      I’ve been planning for a while to ask my partner to move out. I have to plan because if I don’t he will manipulate me back. If I’ve planned I have half a chance of not letting him return.

      I just can’t find the guts to actually do it.

      I’m thinking about where he will go (it’s my house). He has no friends or family. Why do I care about that when he’s made my life so hard and made me feel like a different person for over (detail removed by moderator).

    • #112878
      KIP.
      Participant

      He has programmed you and brainwashed you. Abusers use the FOG of abuse. The fear the obligation and the guilt. He’s loping you will feel a responsibility for him when you absolutely should not, he’s not your responsibility and it’s amazing how these man land on their feet once they’ve sucked us dry. I’d pack his stuff and move it out then change the locks. You don’t want to allow any contact because with contact comes mind games.

    • #112879
      RedGiraffe
      Participant

      I believe we care because we’ve been conditioned that way!
      I have recently ended my relationship and even more recently he has moved out!
      It took a while to get to the actual conversation of ending the relationship and then even longer for him to except it and move!

      I guess, if I was honest, I was building up to the separation long before it physically happened – no sex, no admiration, just little hints and steps that set the tone of where it was going.
      Then when the time came ( I knew it had because of a particular incident that had happened which crossed my final line) we were sat down and I said that I didn’t want the relationship anymore and he didn’t even fight it, he didn’t openly care (at the time he does care – or pretend too now).

      It then took a little while longer for him to physically move and constant asking when on my part. It took me giving him a timeline that I wanted him out from and then as that date got closer and nothing had happened I made plans to leave and then he finally left! (My situation regarding housing differs to yours however).

      It’s hard, I said on one of my posts that I thought the hardest thing I had ever done was end the relationship but then it turned out the hardest thing was actually telling my child! Even now tho that I’m ‘free’ I’m still suffering from guilt, longing for the good pets, mourning the future I had planned – the list goes on!

      In regards to plans – is there someone you can leave a bag with containing important documents, clothes for you (and children if necessary). This gives you a Quick exit if you need it, I still have my ‘safety bag’ (as I call it) at my ‘safe’ place! This way if problems occur you can leave without having to gather any resources! Leaving a relationship seems to be the most dangerous time for us women 🙁

      I wish you all the best and I hope some of this has made sense – I was trying not to include anything that would be removed!

      • #112890
        Retilequeen
        Participant

        Unfortunately we have 2 children and as much as I would love to have zero contact. He is a good dad. He will want regular contact. He will try and manipulate me using the kids. I know this is coming.

    • #112884
      Lottieblue
      Participant

      Hello @kip and @redgiraffe


      @retilequeen
      has another post going as well and I think you are possibly in a better position to give her advice than I am. You are both always so pragmatic and I don’t feel the right person to be advising her!


      @retilequeen
      don’t you worry, I’m not running away! I just know there are better people than me to give you advice. Hang on in there!

      LB x

    • #112891
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi there, no man who abuses the mother of his children is a good dad. No man who will use his children to manipulate their mother is a good dad. You need to think about protecting your children from this man. Do you have support from women’s aid? Using a third party for contact and anything else will actually protect your children because these men desperately want to see our hurt and what better way than to hurt what we love most. Never underestimate what he will do to regain power. You’re right to be concerned but zero contact means zero mind games and zero manipulation. You need to set boundaries and take back control. Abusers are liars. Protect yourself. When ending a relationship with an abuser it’s the most dangerous time for a woman. Please get support from women’s aid. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven?

      • #112927
        Retilequeen
        Participant

        Haven’t read any books yet.

        I am in contact with my local domestic abuse charity and the police.

        Just not feeling very strong at the moment. Haven’t got many friends and my family don’t live close by.

    • #112893
      KIP.
      Participant

      Zero contact is achievable even with children, using a third party and a handover book or there are contact centres for handover. He will use every opportunity you give him to abuse you further.

    • #112950
      YellowBird
      Participant

      He’s an adult grown man. Instead of having you rescue him and feel sorry for him, he’ll have to stand on his own 2 feet. He’ll have to, just like so many of us have had to.
      I got my abuser to leave, even though he is ill and had no friends/family to take him I, and nowhere to go either. Yes, I spent many months feeling sorry for him, feeling guilty that I was making a sick man leave the only home he has. But, now that he’s gone & I don’t have to watch everything I say or do in case he gets upset, now that I’m seeing more and more how he pulled me into his drama and crazy games –  no, I’m not sorry I made him leave, even though he’s ill and all. I am nearly dancing with the sheer relief of having him gone.
      And he’s landed on his feet, as so many of these manipulative people do. He has free accommodation, people to look after him, and a new audience for his drama. He’s not lying in miserable heap at the side of the road, as  I  had visualised he would be! Don’t let your worries rule your decisions… sending love and light.

      • #113545
        Fruitbowl
        Participant

        YellowBird, your words at the beginning of this post are so powerful. He’s a grown man and will have to learn to stand on his own 2 feet. No one before has ever influenced me to think that way before. This is such a profound paragraph for me….

        Retilequeen, I feel your pain. I’m in a similar situation of wanting to leave but just cant find the courage to go through with it. Xx

    • #112959
      seaglass
      Participant

      This is also how I feel, I just can’t summon the courage or something. I went away with my child last week to stay with a friend and it was great, my child was beautifully behaved and happy and there was a feeling of lightness, I think because I felt better. I almost feel it would be easier to go than to try and get my partner to leave, I feel bad about doing it, I feel sad for him. It’s crazy, only last week I felt intimidated by the way he spoke to me, nothing nasty but that’s the whole issue, small jibes and words and the manner in which he does it which causes me anxiety, but then that anxiety leads to doubt.
      Those who have asked them to leave, was it ok? Did they make it difficult whilst still in your home? Was it confusing if you have children that they were they but you weren’t together ?
      Sorry for so many questions, I have to do this and I can’t find my moment.

      • #113547
        Fruitbowl
        Participant

        Seaglass, I feel the same. The guilt of going is overwhelming. I have decided when it happens I will leave… It took me a long time to come to that conclusion. I feel it will force him to have to deal with it rather than refuse to go or beg and emotionally manipulate me to reconsider xx

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