How do I heal?

[Healingspirit]

I left my abusive boyfriend about (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. I had a lot of time to reflect and work on myself, I had therapy weekly and did an (detail removed by Moderator) course. Eventually I stopped thinking about him so much and the dreams were less common. About (detail removed by Moderator) months ago I started a new relationship and I’m really struggling. It’s insane how many little things trigger and impact me and cause anxiety attacks. It’s hard because I’ve not unlearned the behaviours that I adapted to keep myself safe. I’m almost treating him like he’s abusive and responding in the same unhealthy ways that I used before to cope. I’m scared that I’m the toxic one now, that I’m going to hurt him. I know that it’s a healthy relationship but I feel like I’m treating it like it isn’t? He’s so supportive and so lovely, he doesn’t want to give up but I just don’t want to hurt him. How can I unlearn these things when I don’t even know what actually triggers me and don’t understand how I’m responding.

[Lisa]

Hi Healingspirit,

Thank you for sharing with us. I hope it has helped to post on the forum about what you are going through.

It is natural to feel this way as abuse can have such an impact on our wellbeing after a relationship has ended. I understand from your post you have had therapy in the past. You might want to explore Bloom– they offer free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Keep posting when you can to let us know how you are.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Carrots04]

Hi Healingspirit,

Firstly, well done for taking time for you and healing from what you experienced. I’m sorry for the trauma you went through.

Secondly, I’m so happy to hear you’re in a new healthy relationship. I am lucky enough to now be married to a kind and supportive person but in our early days I experienced the exact same issues as you. I used toxic behaviour as my coping mechanism. One day it got so bad I realised I had become what I tried to escape from. I really had to look at myself and remind myself that I am no longer in that situation and I vowed to never act in that way ever again. I learnt to communicate with my partner. Explain everything I went through and why I acted in certain ways. Told him everything that went through my head and how I react sometimes not knowing why and with his support, I started to unlearn my toxic behaviour. It took time but I am so grateful that my husband was as supportive as he was. Everyone commented on how positively I changed and calmed. We’ve been together for (detail removed by Moderator) years now and there are times where those thoughts come back and that toxicity in me wants to come out but I will talk with my husband and we try to figure it out together.

When you’re in an healthy relationship you don’t need to act in a toxic way. Communication is so important and if they love you they will listen and it sounds like you’re with someone who really wants to support you. You just need to trust yourself.

Sending you all the best! X

[ftwiglet]

Hi there,

It sounds like it is really hard at the moment and I am very sorry and sending you a lot of warm wishes and strength. This all really resonates with me and I am experiencing a similar situation currently. I know that I recently have felt intense responses to certain things and I have been so taken aback, but I think it is just a slow process of learning your boundaries, and as Carrots04 said, communicating with your partner. I think the only thing I can think to say is be compassionate and patient with yourself.

x

[cookie crumb]

Hi I am new here , I’ve been out of my very abusive relationship for over (detail removed by moderator), but still struggling to cone to terms with it.

I have a new partner who is amazing and knows what I went through he is the only one , I never told any friends or family.

Domestic abuse is everywhere and the smallest of things trigger my thoughts of what I went through.   I was hoping thus forum might help talking to others who will understand.

Mostly I am still very angry at myself fir allowing this to happen

 

 

 

[Indiansummer]

Hi,

It’s so reassuring to see that I’m not the only one feeling this way.

I got out of the abusive marriage many years ago, and now that I am in a loving and supportive relationship I am horrified at how I feel when triggered.

I’ve done some work to identify what exactly triggers me, and what my fears are. The hardest part was to be honest with myself and admit the thoughts and fears as ugly and toxic they sounded to myself. Even harder was to talk about it to my partner openly.

 

There’s still a lot of healing to do, and it’s so frustrating that all this time later the abuse has this much effect on my life.

 

Bloom resources look very good, thank you.

 

Sending you all love, you’re not alone in feeling this way x

[Bluebirds]

It’s good that you have opened up to your new partner. Happy that your in a healthy relationship. I’m not at that stage yer but can only imagine how hard its going to be. Unlearning these coping mechanisms and toxic cycles.

I’m enjoying reading all your comments about being in a happy loving relationships. The thought of that for me seems miles away. I’ve left recently and thinking about being with someone else worries me. I don’t even know how to speak to males… I got alot of healing to do.

Love to you all

[Indiansummer]

Hi Bluebirds,

 

Several years ago I also could not even imagine trusting someone and being happy. Sounds cliche but it does take time. It’s okay to give yourself that time, and not put any pressure on yourself.

 

I got into another relationship after the abusive one (before I finally mety current partner), all for wrong reasons, and nothing good came out of it..I never trusted him and the relationship was so strained. however, I’m also trying to accept this experience and not judge myself.

Wishing you all the best, you’ve done the most important thing – left.

[Author]

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