How do I know what’s real anymore?

[Star77]

I got out several months ago. I have been working stupid hours in an attempt to run from the pain ever since, swallowing it all. I thought I was okay until COVID isolation forced me to stop everything and sit with my feelings and thoughts. It has all come flooding out. I’m scared because I don’t know what or who is being real anymore. I am paranoid constantly that the people around me are lying or that they are angry with me. I get so sick with worry over the smallest things my friends say or do that I don’t sleep, I get immense chest pain, I shake and I feel like I am going to throw up. I felt like I couldn’t breathe when I was with him, but in my new life I can’t breathe either it’s just in a different way. I’m questioning everyone’s intentions behind everything they say or do, my brain is running wild with “worst case scenarios” constantly, on repeat. Reassurance isn’t working anymore, I don’t believe anyone’s intentions.
Please tell me:
1) Is this normal?
2) Will it ever go away?
I feel frantic with no point of stability, I know if I don’t get my head around this I’m going to lose the few people I do have left.

[Camel]

Hi there,

Everything you’re feeling is normal. Getting out of an abusive relationship is just the start of the healing process. Right now you’re feeling overwhelmed and need to unpick it all. Have you thought about therapy?

I know what you mean about going round and round in your head. I do the worse case scenario thing too. Try to remember that thinking things doesn’t make them real. I tell myself, out loud, ‘stop it, you’re making it up, think nice thoughts.’

[Grey Rock]

Hi.

Hypervigilance and anxiety, and second guessing ourselves seems to be the norm when we exit these relationships. It does get better but healing takes time. Is there any chance that you could chat with Women’s Aid and ask about joining the Freedom Program or have sone sessions with one of their counsellors? The ladies there really helped me get through the worst of it, and I’m due to start a Freedom Program next month as the next stage of my recovery journey. Just because we’re safe it doesn’t mean the effects of the trauma effects of the trauma just disappear.
I used breathing techniques to help ground myself when anxiety hit. There are lots you could try. My favourite was breathing in through one nostril then out of the other (holding the non breathing one gently closed with a finger) alternate sides for 10 to 20 times. Another was closing my eyes and breathing slowly while just focusing of my senses – what I could smell, hear, and how different parts of my body were feeling.
I’m mostly okay now but seem to be going through a period where I’m a bit sleep avoidant for some reason. Hence me being awake at almost 3am after binge watching (detail removed by moderator) and then making cookies at 1.30am. Not great but the panics have abated. Most of the time anyway.

Things will get better.

GR

[Star77]

Hi GR,

What exactly is the freedom program?

Will definitely give some breathing exercises a go.

Do you ever have bad dreams relating to your relationship? I sometimes wake up in a panic from them, even though I can’t remember much and it stops me wanting to go to sleep. Also, the world doesn’t seem so scary at 3am when everyone else is sleeping.

Really glad to hear that you are mostly okay, that’s a huge achievement 🙂

[Weemebreeze]

Hi star77, I can totally relate to this – I’ve been feeling similar levels of anxiety and questioning everything / everyone around me. I went to speak to my GP when I got so overwhelmed and she has been a huge support so would definitely recommend a chat as well as women’s aid. Walking has helped me loads- if I can I start my day with a walk and end with one before bed. There’s just something about getting out, fresh air, change of scenery etc that I felt helped calm my thoughts a bit.I put on some audiobooks, usually a comedian or something lighthearted just to distract for a bit. It does get easier, you’re doing really well, hang in there.

[Grey Rock]

Hiya,

I did a version of if 1:1 with a women’s Aid counsellor in lockdown as I was close to breakdown. Next month I’ll be starting doing it with a small group of other ladies face to face.
This is the overview from the Freedom Program website….

‘The Freedom Programme examines the roles played by attitudes and beliefs on the actions of abusive men and the responses of victims and survivors. The aim is to help them to make sense of and understand what has happened to them, instead of the whole experience just feeling like a horrible mess. The Freedom Programme also describes in detail how children are affected by being exposed to this kind of abuse and very importantly how their lives are improved when the abuse is removed.

The programme usually lasts for 11 or 12 weeks and is FREE. It provided by hundreds of agencies across the UK. Some of them are rolling so women can join at any time but this varies according to local needs, etc.’

You can find more info via Women’s Aid or by emailing them at help@freedomprogramme.co.uk

GR x

[Eggshells]

Hi Star77

When you are used to being lied to and manipulated, it can be really difficult to adjust.

Therapy such as counselling can help you get in touch with your real thoughts and pick things apart.

If you feel it is something that you would like to try please try googling “NHS Self referral counselling and follow it with the name of your local authority. IAPT seem to cover quite a few areas and I can really recommend them.

Ladies all use different methods for calming themselves. Grey Rock has already recommended some effective techniques.

If you’d like any more, please do ask. There are so many ladies with different coping techniques I’m sure there will be an idea that you might feel could work for you.

Posting on the forum can be a tonic in itself, whether your asking a question or offering support, it helps you to connect with the people who understand you best. Everyone is here for everyone else and the community is a salve. xx

[Star77]

Thank you all so much for responding, I feel so alone at the moment and knowing there are other people that understand or that are experiencing something similar is really comforting. I have spoken with a local domestic abuse charity and I am on the waiting list to speak with a councilor. Pretty sure this is going to get worse before it gets better, but trying to see it as a step forward in reclaiming my life.

Has anyone struggled with explaining their responses/reactions to people close to them? Any advice on how to stop the trauma impacting on other relationships in your life?

[Highway61]

Hi Star77, Keep hold of that feeling that it is all a step forward to reclaiming your life. I have been in the same place as you and if you keep hold of that positive idea, even when your body and mind are tormenting you, it will get you through the worst of it. I am about a year on from leaving and I will be honest, I am still coming up against myself regularly, but when I look back at how I was last year…well…it’s such hard work but it is definitely worth it. Keep the faith. Your body and mind are releasing all the tension, stress, fear and self-doubt that you have been holding onto and denying in order to survive in your relationship. Keep asking for help. I have found it really hard to explain what is going on to my friends/family sometimes because I actually don’t feel like I can talk about it without completely unravelling and I don’t want to do that and sometimes because, when I have explained it I have been upset to find that some people don’t understand and that, perhaps it wasn’t just my relationship with my husband that was unhealthy. That’s why the forum and services are so vital. I don’t feel like you can stop the trauma impacting your relationships, I think the trauma will reveal which relationships are worth your time and effort and which are ultimately going to be triggering for you, you might find that you want to let some relationships slide for a little while so that you can put yourself first and surround yourself with people who are going to take care of you in the same way that you would take care of them. Personally, when I first left and probably for most of this year I have limited my contact with my friends to make time for myself to process the trauma but I have done this with weekly support from my counsellor and the ongoing support of two very good friends who are happy to zoom or leave voice message if I want to chat but can’t face leaving the house. The friends and family who have understood this are the ones I am most greatful of. Put yourself in places where you feel safe and make note of when/why you dont. I feel like I could rabbit on for ages! I really feel what you are going through. Take care x

[KIP.]

Brene Brown has a good video about trusting again. Check it out x a lot of her stuff I find useful but just take baby steps. You’re rebuilding self esteem, confidence and trust again. It will take time x

[Grey Rock]

Hiya,

I did a version of if 1:1 with a women’s Aid counsellor in lockdown as I was close to breakdown. Next month I’ll be starting doing it with a small group of other ladies face to face.
This is the overview from the Freedom Program website….

‘The Freedom Programme examines the roles played by attitudes and beliefs on the actions of abusive men and the responses of victims and survivors. The aim is to help them to make sense of and understand what has happened to them, instead of the whole experience just feeling like a horrible mess. The Freedom Programme also describes in detail how children are affected by being exposed to this kind of abuse and very importantly how their lives are improved when the abuse is removed.

The programme usually lasts for 11 or 12 weeks and is FREE. It provided by hundreds of agencies across the UK. Some of them are rolling so women can join at any time but this varies according to local needs, etc.’

You can find more info via Women’s Aid or by emailing them at help@freedomprogramme.co.uk

GR x

[Eyesopening]

Hey
I’ve heard from other survivors how much progress its possible to make, it for sure will get better, i think therapy really will be key to recovery.
I’m not out long so I’ve not really re-entered life yet to feel these sorts of emotions. Never give up hope though. An amazing amazing book that helps me stay positive is You Can Heal your life by Shannon Thomas. Really recommend.
I also have been finding re-connecting with my past self really nice, I’m listening to my favorite books from when i was growing up on Audible and loving it! Its so comforting to just curl up and listen to your favorite books and the narrator has a lovely voice. Its the Harry Potter books for me.
Then I’m quite obsessed with this forum right now. The insights and knowledge of the wonderful women here are actually life saving and so so valuable.
You can do this xx

[Author]

Posts