How do I leave and convince him he is the problem?

[RainbowTempest]

Hi everyone,
So my partner and I have been together (detail removed by moderator) with one child and one from his previous relationship. He’s always been really set in his ways but it’s gotten worse since last year when he was (detail removed by moderator), now everything gets linked back to that, even when I point out his awful behaviour it’s blamed on that.
So my main issue is he nitpicks to the point of blowing up massive arguments. This could be over (detail removed by moderator) and it will always end in me being lazy and forgetful (detail removed by moderator), why can’t I do anything he asks or anything right.
He never wakes up on a morning, and asks me to help him by waking him up. He never gets up, demands more time, tells me to f**k off so I end up just leaving him to it which causes more arguments because I never get him up like he’s asked. He has problems with what I cook and when, but never ever steps foot to make it himself. Won’t help meal plan but complains about meals. Won’t help with shopping but complains about my purchases. He will get me from another room to askwhy something simple hasn’t been done, instead of just doing it himself and this can be for something as small as not putting my glass in the sink but then comes the name calling and if I pull him I get accused of being defensive and causing an argument. I have tried in every which way to (detail removed by moderator) but his partner and he says (detail removed by moderator). I even fully facilitate his relationship with his eldest by doing all collections and drop offs and all communication but if I forget something I deem unimportant in the grand scheme of things, it blows up ww3 with him saying I do nothing and I’m useless.
(Detail removed by moderator) I had to go with a friend (detail removed by moderator) and it was very important. It has been planned all week, I gave him warning and told him before I left that I’d be dropping our daughter off at school then going to meet my friend. He didn’t get out of bed. I returned home (detail removed by moderator) before school pick up and he messaged me from the other room accusing me of abandoning and neglecting him all day (detail removed by moderator). He also accuses me frequently of gaslighting him if he loses something (even if he immediately finds something) and accuses me of moving it to cause an argument. He does this about things I say too saying I didn’t say it or said something else and must be gaslighting him even if it was a simple typo or mistake that I immediately correct myself on. It’s absolutely exhausting.
He also pretty much asks me to leave the house on a (detail removed by moderator) weekly basis if he’s not in a good mood leaving me to take a (detail removed by moderator) with me all day when nowhere is open to go then he will bitterly complain when I come back that nothing has been done. Whilst I’m away he will message just streams of long messages pointing out every flaw he believes I have and full of name calling.
Not sure what to do as I’ve pointed out the behaviour time and time and time again but I’m not sure how to leave. Other people including his mam have noticed and asked me why I stayed and have offered support but whenever I point out I think he’s abusive he blames his thinking on (detail removed by moderator) and my lack of perspective or the fact (detail removed by moderator) by being/doing things to annoy him when really I have never ever went out my way to annoy him.
Not sure how to separate especially since I facilitate the relationship with his daughter and I’m worried I won’t be able to see her after either 😭 but I know I have to go

[KIP.]

Hi there, please contact your local women’s aid and get some support in place. It doesn’t matter what you do, he will simply move the goal posts and carry on abusing you because it makes him feel good. He’s not your responsibility. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he chooses to abuse you. It’s him that’s gaslighting you. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline and talk to someone there.you will never convince him he’s the problem so concentrate on your own health and happiness. I’m wondering if you could speak to his ex partner as she will have suffered the abuse too and perhaps see your step child through her x

[gettingtired]

Hello RainbowTempest, I’m experiencing similar behaviour from my partner so I know how exhausting it is. Kip’s right, nothing you do will stop the abuse or make him come to his senses or accept responsibility.
I’d recommend contacting your local women’s aid for support in leaving the relationship. Leaving is considered to be the most dangerous time so you’ll need to make sure you and your children are safe. Sending hugs to you xx

[Hetty]

I could have written this post myself. Everything you described I had when living with my ex. I’m months out now. The endless drama was exhausting. I didn’t ever want to go home. Nothing changed and nothing helped. He’s reign in for a week max then I’d feel the tension start again. If you read ‘why does he do that’ (can download it for free) you’ll see why these men don’t change. He’s living the high life while you serve him and remain his emotional punchbag. I’ve sacrificed things to get away but it was my only hope of reclaiming my life. It took me a long time to think through my exit plan but little by little I made steps to leave and eventually got out. Think through every option xx

[Rosemary]

Hello Rainbow Tempest reading your post I do feel
For you my parnter does the same thing to me but in a different way when his annoyed about something that is upsetting him he puts it all on me gives me abusive and tells me that I must like it makeing him get annoyed when he gives he abusive talks about his past or our relationship he always blames me for his own anger and abusive.

He dont like it if I say how I feel and makeing my
Own opinion it makes him angury sometimes he talks to me like i am a child. He feels insecure with me and I dont understand why because I’ve gave him all my heart and for him to give me abusive physical and mentally it is very exhausting his behaviour he sets of him self. It’s like I am sitting here quite watching TV and his anger and abusive would just come out of no where.

Your partner is trying to control you it’s not nice I hope you can get some support like me I am geting some support its makeing me feel physically and mentally sick over the years how my partner is treating me things get worse over time and he will never change his ways its horrible even when I gave advice he dont listen or dont want to get better his not careing or thinking of me or my children .

Every day of my life I get tummy ache pupltatons in my heart feeling sick because of all the abusive mental toucher has made me poorly worrying
About things in life that my partner makes me worry about his not good paying bills at the moment his puting me and my children at risk for loseing this house we live in as his not paying rent propley geting us in to det this worry me and he nows I worry . Some months back we had a letter about court proceedings if the rent not paid up for the month they have given me we could be at risk of loseing the house we live in he has the dont care attude it worry me sick if ever this happens would me and my children be rehoused. My
Partner controls the money it all goes in to his bank I cant control anything money wise .

[Risingup]

Hi,
Thank you for starting this thread. I am currently still in my abusive relationship. Almost identical to your experiences. Type in emotional abuse and that I what I’m living through. He is currently in his happy state, which as I’m sure you know can be very confusing. It’s almost like you start to think you were imaging the abuse, as how can this warm human be so cruel??? But then day by day his mood will gradually become more hostile and I will begin to walk on eggshells and will be doing everything I can to try to pacify him but as I’m sure you know there is nothing I can do. The change will come and then one day….he will just invent a problem it could be I shut the door too hard or forgot to put milk on fridge, then that will be it…..shouting, insults you name it, on some occasions items will be thrown! Then the silent treatment will start. Then when he decides he will just begin talking to me again as if nothing has happened and so the cycle goes…..

Thank you for being there and sharing your stories. Just reading them has given me a little bit more strength! Xx

[Camel]

Hi Rainbow

Get professional support to work out how to leave. Forget about convincing him he’s the problem. It’s an argument you will never win, and you don’t need to win it in order to leave.

It’s a shame you will lose contact with his child but sadly you have no legal tie to her. If you’ve been on good terms with her mother there’s always the chance you could maintain contact. But it may be best for all of you to move on.

[Author]

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