2nd June 2016 at 11:53 am #18509TimeforachangeParticipant
I just need some advice really. I have never been on anything like this before and I don’t know if I am over thinking things but I just need some help. I have been with my boyfriend nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years. A (detail removed by Moderator) ago his dad was moving away so I was sort of made to move in with him. The (detail removed by Moderator) was great but things seem to have changed this year.
I don’t really know where to start. He will often call me names and make really degrading comments to me. For example, we were away on Holiday with his family with a hot tub and he said to me “make sure you get in the hot tub first so no one see’s you in your swimming costume” so I decided to do something about it and join the gym which he has also decided to join. I think this is Because he doesn’t trust that I am where I say I am.
I have become very distant from my friends and he really does not like me making new friends. I have become also very distant from my family and he really does not like me interacting with them and will become very defensive when he is aware we are talking about him.
He is so lazy around the house but will turn it around to make me think I am the lazy one. It is very much one rule for one and one for another. He goes out with his friends a lot and I am left to be the taxi but even then I manage to be doing something wrong.
He has tried to hit me once before and on one other occasion I was really scared that he would. He looses his temper very easily and it will often result in him punching things.
I don’t really know what to do, I love him a lot and I am only (detail removed by Moderator) so he is all I really know. I don’t cope well with having to talk face to face with him and will buckle under pressure if I am made to talk to him about it. I think I’m worried to leave him because he has no family around here anymore and will be left to man a house on his own.
Help me 😩😩
2nd June 2016 at 12:08 pm #18512SerenityParticipant
Hi Time for a Change,
This is how my marriage started off- him forcing me to live with him (and marry him) too quickly, jealousies, isolation, punching things, snide comments about my looks. It sounds so familiar.
Fast forward nearly two decades, he robbed me of my confidence, was cruel to the children, unkind to my family, his family were unkind to my kids, he abused me on all levels, and he fought hard to destroy me and leave my children and I homeless and a mental and emotional messes. I am still not over the PTSD.
I know you feel you love him, but please google trauma bonding, which can feel like love. Abuse normally worsens over time, and changes shape. Abusers rarely, if ever, change.
My advice? To run for the hills. Save yourself having to experience a living hell on earth. But maybe you need to talk to someone to really see how it is abuse. Call Women’s Aid- they will affirm your experiences and direct you to help.
He is a grown up. He needs to learn to grow up. Manning a house is what adults do. We are caring and fixers, and give too much to these abusers. By being too nice we are enabling the abuse to continue. Xx
2nd June 2016 at 9:31 pm #18540LisaMain Moderator
Thank you so much for your very brave and honest post. Welcome to the forum! I am sorry to hear about your situation. Firstly I want to reassure you that you are not ‘overthinking’ things and that you have come to the right place as sadly you are experiencing abuse from your boyfriend and it sounds like it is escalating. You have described in your post some very textbook forms of abuse- trying to isolate you from friends and family, belittling your physical appearance, taking you for granted and not sharing the household duties with you are very common and do not happen in healthy relationships.
The first point for accessing help would be from phoning the helpline when you get a safe time without him in the house. They will not judge you or tell you what to do but they will help you to see your relationship for what it is, and your partner for who he is. If you do not feel that it would be safe for you to remove him from the property then the helpline can also talk to you about going in to a refuge which would be a safe house away from him. The can also put you in touch with your local Women’s Aid group for advice and support. You sound like a lovely, caring person but he is abusing you so please get some help before it escalates further.
We are all here for you so please keep posting to let us know how you are getting on.
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