How do I manage financially

[Losingbattle]

I’m so worried about finances after leaving. My husband is the main bread winner and I stay home to care for the kids. He throws this in my face during arguments saying he pays for everything etc. Yet when I’ve mentioned going back to work he will say no,I have children to look after. I’ve also got alot of debt that has accumulated since we got together. Loans and unpaid bills due to him constantly wanting cars, rubbish etc and then refusing to make payments even though they are in my name cos his credit was always bad. My credit is horrendous now. I Also owe my sister (detail removed by moderator)k from an unpaid loan that she stood guarantor for. We fell out over a missed payment and he basically stopped me paying. She paid the loan and agreed I’d pay her the money back but he stopped that too saying if he found out I’d given her any money he wouldn’t be happy. I want my relationship back with my sister. But what do I do about money once hes gone? I feel so reliant on him financially at the moment

[KIP.]

Financial abuse is a crime and it sounds like he’s been abusing you financially. Get in touch with your local women’s aid and do not believe a word your abuser tells you. Abusers are liars. Get some free legal advice too. Women’s aid can help you with benefits and your husband can have his wages arrested if he refuses to pay maintenance. Citizens advice are fantastic at helping with money and debt. Once you’re free from his controlling behaviour you can slowly rebuild your life and start a job and start making small repayments. It’s your abuser who is holding you back in life. My ex told me I’d get nothing if I left him. I’m sitting in the family home. He had to sign it over. Know the facts. Do your research. Get a support network round you. Start by confiding in your sister, she’s helped you before and may help you escape. Many abusers use debt amongst other things to trap us. You might want to speak to the domestic abuse police about his abuse. Including the financial abuse. Coercive control is illegal now. Keep reaching out. Abusers isolate us from family and friends to reconnect with them. Abuse thrives on silence so speak up to your GP, women’s aid, citizens advice, friends and family. Keep posting on here for support x and don’t tell him anything you’re doing.

[Losingbattle]

I have had a conversation with my sister and she was very understanding However things will never be 100% with us until I’m free and able to pay her back. Day by day I’m starting to realise more about how he has manipulated me and abused me. I always worked when I first met him but I had our children and he wanted me home looking after them. I’m looking into help I can get. I’m just still trying to get as much advice as possible before I pluck up the courage to quit this relationship. Posting my experiences on here is really helping put things into perspective. I feel like I’ve opened a flood gate and everything is just pouring out

[KIP.]

My ex made it impossible for me to carry on working. That’s how abusers work. The want us isolated and dependent on them. They hate out independence. They want us at home where they can keep an eye on us. Keep learning and reaching out. You can rebuild relationships when you’re free from a nasty abuser who sets you up to fail. The person who is supposed to love and care for us is deliberately breaking us down piece by piece. I ended up with terrible mental problems I’m still dealing with.

[Losingbattle]

I’m also worried about the family home. We rent but everytime an argument occurs he uses phrases like, it’s my house, I earn the money so I pay the bills etc. How do I get past this??? I’m the main care giver when it comes to the kids. Do I fight the hard fight and stay in the house or do I just give up and walk out with the kids

[Author]

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