How do I move on?

[FightingEveryDay]

Hello,

First time I’ve posted, first time I’ve been on a Survivor Forum. Finding it difficult to admit what my ex partner did to me. He was my ‘first’ and I wasn’t quite sure how a relationship was meant to be. He was older, we were together nearly(Detail removed by Moderator). He didn’t want me going out, having friends, having anything apart from him. He cheated on me, emotionally, mentally, physically abused me. I didn’t even know who I was when I finally left, except in £(Detail removed by Moderator) debt that was all in my name and most of my belongings left.

It wasn’t until I had been away from him for about 2 years when I started thinking about everything he had done to me, it snuck up on me, I must have been trying to block out what he had put me through. I keep remembering certain times when we had sex, times I told him no, times I told him he was hurting me, times I told him to stop. He didn’t. I’ve only said this out loud once – it was rape. I didn’t think it was at the time and now I don’t know what to do with myself. I haven’t told my family, my new boyfriend (who is so different from my ex it scares me, why is he so nice?), I have only spoke to one friend about it. I keep re-living certain moments. I’m snappy and irritable with everyone and that’s not me.

How do you move on? I’m struggling just now.

[KIP.]

Ring rape Crisis and speak to your GP about counselling. You need to talk it through with someone who understands. You could also consider reporting him to the police.

[FightingEveryDay]

I’ve currently on the waiting list for counselling (only told my GP there had been abuse, didn’t go into detial) but due to recently moving I’m going to have to ask to be transferred (hoping that doesn’t push me back to the bottom of the list). I have considered going to the police but I don’t think I’m quite there, plus there’s no evidence so it would never get to court. I will call the helpline, thank you

[KIP.]

Please don’t be out off reporting. These men often do the same thing to many girls and it’s only when the police investigate they find there are multiple victims. That’s your evidence. Meantime please ring rape Crisis x they may know of third sector counselling organisations locally that are more specialised and can take you quicker. Women’s Aid are also a huge support either the helpline or your local branch x

[freedomtochoose]

would second what KIP has said also depending on where you are google SARSUS.
Don’ know if paying privately is an option, but many counsellors do reduced rates.
Google British Association of Counsellors and have a look at what people specialise in,
where. You could always stay on waiting list and do this as well.

In the meantime there may be other therapeutic activities you could do as well. Gardening
helped me. don’t forget Samaritans 116 123 not all are specialised as they don’t have the training but freephone is useful for those times you wake up in the middle of the night and feel awful….

all best
FTC
x

[Janedoeissad]

I have recently found a counsellor who charges 5 times less than every other counsellor I have contacted. I have therefore been able to afford private counselling. As it happens she only charges to fund a charity she is starting. So I feel I am doing good by actually going and paying her.

I had to do some serious research of my local areas provision to find her though. Keep looking, you never know what you might find.

In looking for her I have found a charity in my area who do courses (almost like group therapy) on Anxiety, depression, self esteem, mindfulness and recovering form a breakdown all these things have helped me, these charities don’t really read your history though, so I have ended up in rooms with abusers but I just tell them and they start me with a different group a few weeks later. Half the time GP’s have no ideas that these places even exist. So, I just started googling “counselling in X” (X being where I live).

Unfortunately people expect you to find this help at a time when you might not even have the energy to get out of bed. The charities out there do not have the funds for huge amounts of advertising. So they get missed so easily.

[FightingEveryDay]

Thank you everyone for your advice, it really means a lot

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