Hi Tryingtolovemyself,
Thank you for sharing about what you are going through and how you are feeling. I hope it has helped to post to others who will relate and understand. You might want to explore Bloom- they offer free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries- here
Keep posting when you can, it can really help to offload here.
Best wishes,
Lisa