27th February 2016 at 12:28 pm #10577I want to break freeParticipant
People say I should “move on” I have been out for (removed by moderator) now. He seems to have moved on, have a new life , possibly a new partner/victim. Yet I am stuck here with 80% fewer friends than I once had, court cases, the struggle of helping my daughter get over the abuse she witnessed and cope with on-going contact with him. Juggling a part time job with the needs of my daughter and struggling to over come my sense of trauma.
Yet he has not “Moved on” as he is still actively trying to condition the way people view me – he is innocent , `I am just over anxious/ill etc so that so many in my community are hostile towards me. He is still playing subtle power games over contact etc.
How are you meant to move on and calve out a new life for yourself when he is intent to reck anything you build that he can get his hands on? I try not to tell him where I go and who I see but my small daughter lets stuff slip.
I feel lonely and under siege today…..admittedly it is in the build up to a court case but and things will probably settle down afterwards but I am struggling to stay afloat today.
I was doing so well but I am not happy with my life – there has been so much damage, to my career, my finances, my social circle. Do these things ever recover? I was taking it a day at a time and could see progress but now I am just frustrated that it is so slow and i cannot fully escape the abuse. Even what I have built feels under threat.
27th February 2016 at 1:15 pm #10580KIP.Participant
Hi there, I know how you feel. Next time someone tells you to ‘move on’. Tell them that you have moved on from him, just not from the trauma he left you with. It does get easier but mine won’t let up either. Won’t sort finances. Was even at the bottom of my street recently. Not long after his guilty verdict. It’s like they’re still craving the high they get from upsetting us. Trick is to try and not let them see. Things will get better and each time we get a little stronger. Be patient with yourself. I can feel frustrated too at the slow pace of recovery but I will never go back to the hell that was marriage to him. Stay strong and do something nice for yourself x
27th February 2016 at 1:56 pm #10588Falling SkysParticipant
Over it you’re still going through it. Till the court case ect has happened you still on hyper alert.
I have times when I can cope easier than others.
I think you are doing very well.
27th February 2016 at 2:55 pm #10594AyannaParticipant
I know how you feel. Moving on is so hard. Even so called professionals have no idea what abuse does to a person. I noticed that it is possible to achieve a university degree and still remain an idiot, like so many so called professionals, who told me brainless stupidities. Abuse stays with us forever, it will never go away, never. All we can do is try to live with what was left of us. I do hope that it becomes easier with time. Court cases do not help with the process for sure. I can write a book about that.
27th February 2016 at 4:57 pm #10607White RoseParticipant
Hi. I know exactly how you feel. I have days when I feel so let down by him and miss my old standard of living, my circle of friends, my home, holidays etc. Then I think what I’ve achieved in getting away proving I can live without him and care and support our daughter.
Don’t think of it as moving on. Think of it as new beginnings. Moving on implies you’re looking back and new beginnings means it’s about the future not the past.
I’m not sure the legacy of abuse will ever leave me or my daughter (sounds as if she’s a lot older than yours) but I’m hoping it will fade and be pushed into a old recess of our minds and be locked away one day xx
27th February 2016 at 8:08 pm #10621martian29Participant
I wish I had the answer to that question myself. I have been out (removed by moderator) years now and feel nowhere near moving on. Looking at the advice given in another similar post on here, it seems the amount of counselling and support you get makes a difference to recovery time.
Our children and I have had no counselling or support since leaving the narcissistic abuser. I have asked our GP and the local Domestic abuse service but the waiting list seems to be years. They all seem to think that we don’t need support now as we have been out so long. We are very low priority.
When we left, the social services who put our children at risk due to his abuse, seemed to think that was it, they closed our case. They thought we would be happy and able to move on with our lives but how can we? Each day, I am filled with misery, flashbacks of his abuse, panic attacks and cannot trust anybody or make friends. I struggle at work, to socialise with the other staff and people I deal with. I am overqualified for the job I do. Having been isolated and kept at home as a slave by him, I missed out on years of progressing in a career and had to start from the bottom of the ladder again when I left him. I have no confidence to progress at the moment and watch as others who started after me progress over me. My family have no understanding of the abuse and why I stayed. They are of the opinion that I should ‘deal with it’ and get on with life. They have no interest in our feelings about the abuse and get angry if I mention it. They say it’s my fault for staying with him when they all warned me time and time again to leave him over the years.
Our children are withdrawn, have no friends and have very low self-esteem. They both comfort eat to deal with the effects of the abuse we suffered and have become obese. Last time I took them to see a GP to discuss counselling for them, he told them off for being so obese and accused me of feeding them junk food. He offered nothing at all. He thought them losing weight would solve all their problems, not working on what was causing them to overeat in the first place. As if that helped their low self-esteem. I barely ever buy crisps, cakes etc for them, they just eat too much healthy food when my back is turned. He controlled what food we had and how much so I suppose they are trying to regain power in some way too. My eldest son has suffered terribly with bullying at school and will not defend himself as he says he feels he deserves to be treated badly. His father made him feel stupid and worthless as he struggles a bit at school with his subjects compared to his younger sibling. He says he doesn’t care about the dangers to his health through being obese and wants to kill himself anyway.
Another important factor that I keep hearing from other ‘victims’ or ‘survivors’ of abuse is the amount of contact we have with these perpetrators. No contact seems to be the key to recovery but those of us with children can never go no contact if our children still have a desire to see the abusive parent. My ex has been constantly abusing me and tormenting me through his contact with the children since we left. The children have no love or respect left for him, they have finally seen him for the narcissistic abuser he is. Their contact with him since leaving has been based on them getting a break from our cramped living conditions and him keeping control over their possessions at his home. He has only recently agreed to let them have their possessions as he knows that I will take action if he doesn’t. That wouldn’t look good to his status which is all he cares about along with money. Now he’s lost control over them, they mean nothing to him anymore. It is so heart-breaking that somebody could care so little for their own flesh and blood. He abused and neglected his own father and wished him dead so that he could get his inheritance. His father was mainly a quiet, peace-loving, kind disabled man. His mother abused his father just like he did. It should have been a huge red flag.
Another factor seems to be justice. Most of you on here were married to the perpetrator so can at least get what is owed financially to you in order to build a decent home for your children and yourselves. My perpetrator got me to give up my council home, give up my chance of a decent career and move in with him on the promise of marriage and happily ever after. My family and I furnished his home and paid money into his property but as I have no proof and he would not put my name on the mortgage, there is nothing I can claim. He schemed it all along that I would get nothing if I dared to leave him and I so stupidly fell into his trap. He gets to keep everything. As I never reported the emotional, sexual and financial abuse to the police or authorities when it happened, there is nothing I can do legally in regards to the abuse itself. He is too clever to do anything or say anything that can be traced back to him as proof of abuse so he gets to walk free. He has convinced everyone around him that it was me that was the abusive one and he is the poor victim, even his counsellor, doctor and teachers at our children’s school.
Another factor seems to be the amount of time we spend with the abuser. I was with him for over two decades and he was my first proper relationship. All my memories seem to be tied to him. I cannot even move from the area where he is as it would disrupt our children’s education at a crucial stage. I have to face the same shops we went to together, the same roads we travelled and live in fear of coming face to face with him, his latest supply and his allies each day. I barely go out due to this, except to work, where I walk through where I know he would never go. As he has not actually harassed us at our property the council will not rehome me. Nobody wants to exchange for a tiny cramped property so I am living in torment each day until our children are old enough.
I can totally understand where you are coming from. It is a nightmare having to hand children over to an abuser as they maintain their siege of torment via their contact. They get to know our private business as children let things slip even without realising it. They try to sabotage any efforts we make to get on with our lives by knocking us back with nasty comments or threatening us in some way.
Sorry for rambling on about myself rather than trying to give you any meaningful advice. Oh how much I can ramble on, he always mocked me for it. It’s just your post struck a chord with me and I felt I needed to vent. I am sure there are some who are further along in recovery than me that can give you some good advice.
Good luck with your court case and I hope you find healing in the near future. X*X
27th February 2016 at 8:36 pm #10627SerenityParticipant
Hi All who are struggling,
You will always have people who tell you to move on: those who have never experienced such a deep level of abuse and think they are helping, or even those who are harsh types themselves, have little empathy for others and aren’t innocent themselves in terms of mistreating others…
We need to ignore this. We have chosen the braver path of facing our demons, trying to work through our issues. Others might never want to face them, and even turn into abusers themselves as a way of coping with such things. Our healing can’t be hurried.
The best thing, I now realise, is to not give others information when they haven’t earned the privilege. To give the wrong person personal information and for them to come back with unhelpful advice or even a harsh response can be so damaging for us.
Martian, your post broke my heart. What a vile man you were married to. It struck a chord with me when you wrote how he tried to limit your development, took all you and your family’s goodwill and money and schemed from the start to end up with everything. Ditto. And your poor children.
Martian, I only began studying for a better job a few years before he left. For most of my marriage I did low paid jobs that I was overqualified fir, because he tried to make me think I wasn’t able to achieve more, and I believed him. I think he was in a rage that I had studied and found a nice job. It galled him.
Is there any way, Martian, that you could start doing some small courses, must to increase your confidence? Your abuser had traumatised you all so much that you ( like I have ) have felt that your life is now limited. He has set the parameters. He is trying to set the parameters even for your future. Don’t allow him. Break through that brick wall he is trying to build around you to imprison and limit you all even now. Kick that wall in. It is appalling that he has left you in the dire situation you are in, and mine has left me in a financial state too. To see you breaking through old limits, what that would do for your self-esteem and how it would show your kids that life hasn’t stopped, that you can move on in ways you never imagined. Or your kids never imagined.
I am not underestimating the difficulty in this, as I am too suffering greatly as a n********t’s victim. It’s a struggle e dry day. But we can’t let them win. X*x
27th February 2016 at 9:40 pm #10641martian29Participant
Serenity, thanks for your post. Sorry in a way that you are still on here as I hoped you may have found closure and healing. I have been thinking of taking further qualifications online. I have already completed various work based qualifications since leaving him. Each one was a small triumph and two fingers up to him when he tried to make me believe I was stupid for years and laughed and mocked me.
My ultimate goal is to complete a higher level of study qualification for a particular career I am interested in. He would not let me go back to college and withheld the money for each course I was interested in when together. It’s just that I still struggle some days coping all alone with everything and doubting myself after years of having it drummed into my head from him that I am stupid, I am worthless, I am nothing. He knew my achilles heel, as like my eldest son, I struggled at school. I missed a lot of education due to trauma in childhood. He took all my confidence to better myself away as he wanted to keep me below him. He couldn’t bear it if I became more qualified, more successful and higher up in a career than him. I passed many qualifications when first with him and was chosen to go to university hundreds of miles away for a particular 3 year higher qualification. He stopped me, said he couldn’t bear to be without me and that my future was married to him. He promised he would support my education when we got married and moved in together. He did the opposite.
I feel the children and I finally need to deal with the abuse with counselling and therapy before I can commit to any study. I suppose I have been existing all this time and not really dealing with the effects of the abuse to us effectively. I certainly will be kicking down that wall he has built around us as soon as I gain the strength. I am just having a really bad day and feeling weak in myself. At least I am posting on here and getting it off my chest which helps me to deal with days like this. Just to know that some of you bother to read my ramblings and take the time to try to help me brings tears to my eyes.
I just wish I was further along in recovery and could be of more help to some of the ladies on here. I wish I could offer good advice and hope for the future. If I ever get there, I certainly will. Healing to you all XXXX
28th February 2016 at 1:14 am #10662AyannaParticipant
Oh martian29, I wish I could give you a big hug!
Do not worry about work. It does not matter at which level you are as long as you have an income. Over time you can climb the ladder. There is no pension for us anyway and we will have to work forever. So you will get there in the end. Continue doing courses, try to get scholarships. There are scholarships available. Maybe some of the courses can even be partially funded by your work?
The situation of your children is more concerning. Is there a school nurse in your children’s school you could speak to?
I know, the GPs are rubbish and also the mental health service.
I do binge eat and I was told to get a grip on it. These professionals are vile abusers too in my opinion.
Make sure your children are never put on any meds. That will ruin their futures.
Now, that the spring comes, look out for activities in the open. Is there any possibility that you can take them for camping in the summer? Nice activity holidays in nature are very healing and camping is cheap. It would also strengthen their self confidence. If you do not have a car borrow a van for the time. There are local companies, often not online, who lend vans for cheap.
Also, ask the CAB about your right to counselling and tell them how you were let down by the NHS. Maybe there is a way to force them to give you counselling. Maybe you could also involve your local MP in a fight against the GP to get counselling?
Please look after yourself. I know how hard it is. Sometimes I do not look after myself for weeks. But once I do, it feels great.
I read books when I have the time. A very good one is: The body keeps the score from Bessel van der Kork. It helps me to understand why I am the way I am after so much abuse. Understanding what happens with us is the key to coping and improving in life, in my opinion. I know now, that we can never fully heal. No amount of therapy can help here. But we can live with what happened to us in a peaceful way one day. I too see the abuser in public sometimes, unexpectedly, unprepared. It is not nice. I cannot go to many places I like, because I know that the risk of seeing his evil presence there is very high.
I have changed a lot in my responses towards stupid people. I tell them in the face that they are idiots for not understanding what abuse does to a person and that I never chose to suffer like that. I tell them because of abuse I am unable to socialize and if they do not understand this they can get lost.
Hang in there! xxxx
28th February 2016 at 8:18 am #10671SerenityParticipant
Thanks, I truly am. Ugh better, but have been triggered a bit by certain relatives appearing to want to move in to where my ex left off and trying to bully and my ex is still trying to affect us a bit – but I truly am operating from a stronger place. The ex is slowly failing.
Plus, I suppose I wanted to support others a little.
So much of what you write above matches my relationship- makes me realise the fault isn’t us, they are just wired that way.
Sounds like you have a good plan. You will make it X
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