How do I stay out?

[Milkpop]

I have recently left an abusive situation (my first time actually saying/typing “abuse” to describe my situation…).

I ran away from my existing accommodation (I am a uni student) I shared with the guy who was being violent towards me.

It has been less than a week and today I feel the overwhelming urge to go back or to talk to him and ask if he is okay. The day after I left he was scheduled for a medical procedure he was nervous about. His friend just contacted me saying it did not go entirely to planned and he is/was stressed about it.

I feel awful for leaving at such a sensitive time in his life but two days before he had beat me like he hadn’t ever done before and for the first time I was well and truly scared for my own safety.

I know I should not go back. I want to go partly out of convenience, because exams are looming and I do not have a lot of my things with me currently in my temporary accommodation. But I mostly want to go back to see him and tell him I am sorry for leaving and to make sure he is alright. I know I should not do this. Everyone has told me not to go back or to contact him but it is hard. I have been thinking about it non-stop for the entire week. I want to know he is okay. I want to stop feeling like I have abandoned him and that I am not the kind of person who would typically do that to a friend. I have always tried to do right by others and I know by leaving him I am doing right by myself. Still, the guilt is eating me alive right now. How do I stop thinking about going back?

[Chickadee]

Hi Milkpop.

It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone that is supposed to care for us would have no regard for us. That is an abuser.

The overwhelming urge, is guilt and control that the abuser has over you. Also the fact that you are caring.

Ground yourself in reality…..this person beat you. And you are in fear for your safety.

I am a person that always does right by others as well, and as such I found myself doing so at my own expense. You have not abandoned him, you are protecting your own safety. You can ensure he is ok by those same persons that are telling you to stay away and providing you information about him. Has he ever inquired if you were okay after he beat you? Either way, with an abuser it is a manipulation tool. Whether they inquire or not.

“How do I stop tjinking about going back? How do I stay out?” Like this…..”….he had beat me like he hadn’t ever done before….” Ground yourself in survival and reality…..if you go back to him he may beat you again like he’s never done before, only this time it may be worse enough to be the last time….and you leave in a body bag.

There are some really good woman on here that have been through a lot of things, or are going through, and get the mind c**p of abuse, as well as other things.

Here when you need to talk. Hugs.

Chickadee

[Milkpop]

Thank you for your reply Chickadee

Your words are sobering. Thank you for your advice. I think I have spent so long rationalising his behaviour it is hard for me to recognise if something is not okay. It is even harder as this is the first time I have ever been involved with someone romantically. The good I magnify and the bad I brush away because he is my “first love”.

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. Women are killed because of the type of thoughts you are having. It’s brainwashing and programming by your abuser. Contact women’s aid. There is a helpline number on here. He is not your responsibility. Block him on every social media and tell friends you do not want to hear about him. He chooses to abuse you. He won’t change. Put all your energy into your exams. What he did was illegal and he should be in jail. Have you reported the assault?

[Milkpop]

In all honesty I am scared to report anything. He is very charming and charismatic and a very good speaker/debater. his family are involved in politics and are very well to do. He has influence in my small university town. People look up to him (he is professionally very accomplished). He is also vindictive. I know this for a fact from how he has treated friends who have “crossed” him. If I report him and I put his work in jeopardy he will stop at nothing to get back at me. He has the structural power, influence and the financial resources to ensure I will have as hard a life as he can make.

I do not know if I am saying this because I know him well or if he has manipulated me to the point where I am/will be too scared to ever do anything to harm him. Either way I fear the consequences if I choose to report him. I would rather just leave him and get on with my life.

[Brokenwings]

Hi Milkpop. I can so relate to your post. I’m in very similar situation, left abusive fiancé just few days ago after another violent outburst where he spat at my face few times, shake me and pushed me around. It has happened many times before and I always got back to him. Once I called 999 because his violence was getting worse, but he left the house and when police came he was gone and I stupidly didn’t tell them his name. Since this he could control himself more, for a while it was only emotional abuse, putting me down, using anything I told him against me, name calling and constant unpredictable mood swings. But then one time we went on holiday, I can’t say the name of the place but it was very far and we had to pay nearly £100 each on the border when leaving that country. He knew I had no money, none at all on any of my cards( that’s another thing he had control of- money) and that’s when he attacked me again, he was drinking every day and one evening I didn’t want to go out because I was really tired but he didn’t have enough. I was laying in bed, my face down when he jumped onto me and pulled my hair and pushed my head against bed few times, it escalated again, he threw drinks on me, the bed was completely soaked and he struggled me. What I’m trying to say here is, they can control themselves when needed but as soon as they know we will take it, they will do it again and again. It will never stop. And the same as in your story, I had one of his friends texting me saying my ex is in the hospital, emotionally exhausted, he tried to take his life, and the same like you, I worried about him, I still love him very much. So I text his friend few times to make sure my ex is ok, told him about my abuse, he didn’t seem to be surprised but I stopped when he said that we both make him laugh because we behave like kids, we should talk more and communicate better. My ex is fine but what he did was to take the attention away from the fact he abused me and make me feel sorry for him and guilty for leaving him. I had a very bad day yesterday, I missed him so much but I stay strong, one day at the time, keep yourself busy and post here, it really helps. Stay strong xx

[Milkpop]

Thank you very much for sharing your experience.

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying…. We once went on holiday as well to somewhere very far. When we got there it was the coldest winter the place had in years…We had an argument. He wanted to go out to a nightclub and we were pre-drinking in our aribnb. We ended up not going out because some other friends in our group were not too keen on getting drunk/partying. He blamed me for not pushing the group enough to drink and that I did not think about how stressful he had been feeling as he was the one who had planned the trip. I ended up outside in the cold with nothing but my a dress on in a not so very safe part of town. I remember slamming on the entrance and asking him and his best friend to let me in and that it was freezing. His best friend turned to let me in and he stopped him and said “leave her” and they went upstairs. I remembered feeling so alone. I had nothing on me. No money, no phone. Nothing around me was open and I was freezing. I was outside for 2 hours and got very sick afterwards. He said sorry and of course I forgave him. Looking back I can see that it was another one of his “lessons”.

[Tiffany]

All this advice is really good. The only thing I can add is that I found it really helpful to write a list of all the things my abuser had done to me, and any time I started to feel sorry for him, or like I should contact him or go back I then I looked at the list to remind me of why I had left.

If you are struggling financially because you had to abandon your belongings I would talk to your university – mine had a discretionary fund that they could just pay students money out of if they were in difficulties. Yours may well have similar, and may well also be able to help you with access to resources you have had to leave behind.

I wouldn’t go back if you can possibly avoid it. If you do, even if it is at a time when you think he won’t be there, don’t go alone. Call the police and get them to accompany you, and take friends for moral support too. Having left this man you do not want to take any risks of coming into contact with him again. He already beat you badly, and it is well documented that abusers escalate when they realise they are losing control. Going back into his presence will put you in serious danger.

[Milkpop]

This is helpful advice. Thank you.

I will have to get my stuff eventually. There are important documents in my flat I cannot just abandon. In my perfect dream world I would go back and he and I will reconcile and be happy but I know this will not be the case. He will be so angry. He is already very angry I know this. When I go back I plan on having my friends with me. I know they will keep me grounded and he wont try anything with them around. He has always made sure when he hit me that there were no witnesses.

[Tiffany]

Please try and call the women’s aid helpline to get a safe plan in place to get your stuff back. I honestly think involving the police would be the safest option, but they may have other suggestions. And make sure he is away when you go in. Don’t underestimate the danger this man poses to you. If you can’t get through to the national helpline it might be worth trying your local branch.

[Lisa]

Hi Milkpop,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

As others have mentioned, safety is really important. The best way to deal with a perpetrator is to have absolutely no contact with them so that you are not exposed to his manipulation.

I hope your friends are able to go with you but as Tiffany said the police are there for a reason. If you feel unsafe or at risk please do call them.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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