How do I stay strong and not give in?

[backtome]

Hey everyone,

I’m new here so please bare with me as all this is very new to me. I’ve have FINALLY made my ex leave my house after over (detail removed by Moderator) of trying and him worming his way back in each time. He has nowhere to go, no friends, no job etc. He has family but refuses to talk to them (they’re not very close) so I am feeling SO guilty about all this. He’s basically told me he is sleeping on the streets. He keeps saying he wants to get back with me and be a “family” again and that he will do anything and will change etc. He has said all this before and I fell for it an I know that he might change temporarily but will go back to being his horrid self when he’s comfortable. He is throwing all the guilt at me that he can, he is threatening suicide, telling me that me and our daughter will be better off without him in our lives. He’s also trying to use guilt about my daughter, as since he’ll have nowhere to take her when he sees her, he is saying he’ll have to take her around the streets if he can’t see her at my house. I just don’t know how to be strong against him. He seems so broken and upset and keeps crying down the phone. He’s asked me to go out on (detail removed by Moderator) so we can talk and i’ve said i don’t think it’s a good idea, i don’t want him to expect anything, we won’t get back together etc but he’s not giving in. It’s the guilt and worrying, its so weird even though I hate him its like my human nature is kicking in and my love my little girl, as even though he’s not Dad of the year (He treats her badly too) she still loves him (she’s only just turned (detail removed by Moderator)) and is very confused by everything going on.

Please tell me it gets easier to stand up against all the guilt. I’d rather he was angry and threatening me :'(

[KIP.]

Hi there. This is how abusers work. They play on your guilt. I was getting all these sob stories and it turns out he was seeing another woman behind my back. My point is don’t believe a word he says. No contact with him is how to move forward. With contact comes mind games. By not seeing him, you don’t have to stand up to him. he is responsible for his own behaviour, not you. If he threatens suicide then tell him you will call an ambulance. They will try everything. They are also most dangerous when you try to leave. If he cared about his daughter he wouldn’t bring her into this and use her. It gets so much better with no contact. Work in that X

[pink rose]

He is trying to manipulate you by getting you to feel sorry for him so he can get back with you to then reabuse you, they know exactly what they are doing, they are con artists like actors on the stage. He chose to abuse you therefore its his problem if he has nowhere to live not your problem. x

[pink rose]

They are like actors on the stage

[backtome]

I think the problem is that he seems so genuine, how can people cry on tap and look so down? I just can’t compute it.

I have to speak to him to facilitate my lg seeing him, I think the guilt over how she must feel is the worst. x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Plesae beleive us when we say it is all a game, we have been through this stage, i felt all the guilt u feeling, i suggested to my ex meet in mcdonalds then, but to be honest if his not her real dad and didnt treat her right , i owuldnt even bother with the child contact. Hardest bit is going no contact, remember why u left, the amount of people that told me to go no contact is countless, but i always found excuses to break the contact and talk again, it wasnt tilli realized how strong i was getting when he wasnt in contact that i built the no contact up for longer periods. Its shockking how these tears can roll down their faces , give it two weeks and then we are suddenly a b**** again and they hope we rot. They will say anything to us that we need to hear to give them a second chance, how they will treat us like princess and never touch us again , it will all be based on oyr rules,,,,yeah right…… Keep posting on here whenever u feel low, if he is homeless tell him to go to housing benefot and declare himself homeless, if he wants to cimmit sucide thats his option , again just advice u will let emergency services know. It is a guilt trip, they willplay so many games yet, i was shocked when ladies used to say this is what he will do, i was like oh no he doesnt do that, guess whT HE DID, they all play the same sick mind game . NO
good will come out of meeteing up with , they give us no answers

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Plesae beleive us when we say it is all a game, we have been through this stage, i felt all the guilt u feeling, i suggested to my ex meet in mcdonalds then, but to be honest if his not her real dad and didnt treat her right , i owuldnt even bother with the child contact. Hardest bit is going no contact, remember why u left, the amount of people that told me to go no contact is countless, but i always found excuses to break the contact and talk again, it wasnt tilli realized how strong i was getting when he wasnt in contact that i built the no contact up for longer periods. Its shockking how these tears can roll down their faces , give it two weeks and then we are suddenly a b**** again and they hope we rot. They will say anything to us that we need to hear to give them a second chance, how they will treat us like princess and never touch us again , it will all be based on oyr rules,,,,yeah right…… Keep posting on here whenever u feel low, if he is homeless tell him to go to housing benefot and declare himself homeless, if he wants to cimmit sucide thats his option , again just advice u will let emergency services know. It is a guilt trip, they willplay so many games yet, i was shocked when ladies used to say this is what he will do, i was like oh no he doesnt do that, guess whT HE DID, they all play the same sick mind game . NO
good will come out of meeteing up with , they give us no answers

[Ayanna]

Of course, he will be very genuine. Sleeping on the street in this cold makes everyone cry.

But keep in mind that he made his own bed and that you are not responsible for him.

You are responsible for the wellbeing of your child.

He is not your responsibility.
If he is such (detail removed by Moderator) that he cannot get a job and pay his own rent, so be it. You do not want something like this in your life anyway.

Never forget that there are places for homeless people and benefits. Therefore not all is lost and he can build his life. You do not need to help him.

Do not give in and call the police if he wants to get back into your place.

You deserve a happy life and he is definitely the one obstacle that prevents you from becoming happy.

Keep posting and stay safe!

[WalkerInTheRain]

He has a number of options besides living with you. He could suck it up and make contact with his family or he can contact the council and be placed in temporary accommodation. You can make arrangements for him to see his daughter at a contact centre (as if you’d let him wander the streets with her).
If the house is solely yours, I’d get the locks changed for peace of mind (don’t trust that he’s handed all of the keys back).
He’s tugging on your heartstrings and using your daughter to fuel your guilt.
You are not responsible for him or any of his actions.

I understand you can’t go no contact but I’d limit the amount of contact you will allow him. I would only communicate via email as it gave me a record of the correspondence, I could choose when to read it at a time when I was strong and it wasn’t something that needed and instant reply. I kept any replies very unemotional. It wound him up as I was no longer at his beck and call but I steadily regained some power of my own.

[backtome]

Thank you Ayanna and WalkerInTheRain! I think definitely as little contact as possible is necessary. He has texted me a few times today and I’ve not replied. He also texted me to call him which I didn’t. He knows all this, and I don’t know why I feel so guilty, I know in time I’ll get stronger its just getting over the hard part.

I have changed the locks on the house already, luckily it’s my house I bought before I met him and he’s only ever held down a job for a few weeks at a time so has no claim whatsoever on it.

Thanks again and sorry to going on.

[backtome]

Thankyou cCnfused 123, I am going to go for as little contact as possible. I have to have some contact as he is the father of my little girl and need to arrange days/times/locations for access etc. I am starting to understand a bit more now, but then whenever I speak to him I go back to square one of wanting to cave in just for the peace if that makes sense. I’m very lucky that i have friends and family to surround myself with so me and my lg are not alone in this but it’s still SO hard. I don’t love him or want to be with him, the only reasons it’s pulling at my heart strings is because of my little girl and how much she loves him. He has already said something to her as she asked me if Daddy wasn’t at home because I didn’t want him there. I know he will say things to her in the future like Mummy made me homeless etc.

I told him to go to housing and he did but apparently was just told to sign up online for the property pool web site. I thought they had a duty of care if someone had nowhere to sleep?

Thank you again for taking the time to read my post and offer your advice.

[WalkerInTheRain]

Shelter can give him advice on emergency accommodation: 0808 800 4444

Have a think about what access arrangements you’d like (or not like) and make it formal.

[Anabela]

Hi Backtome. I was reading your post and it all felt so familiar. Except I don’t have a child with him. When I broke up with him and moved out, he started talking how I am the only family he has. As he does not get on with his relatives. Then I agreed to give him a chance (as his messages that he is dying, that he loves me, that he has no one made me too sad), but did not want to move in with him again. Then he made me feel guilty that he has to live in a car, as he has no house, or job. That he is loosing weight as he is short for money (he does find money for his weed thogh). And that it is my fault. And I can so painfully understand what a horrible feeling is that guilt. Stay strong and look after yourself and your child. You are not responsible for his life. It was his choice not to work and to mistreat you. But he didn’t. I bet he enjoyed a comfortable life living in your house.

Easier said than done, I know. When I read someone else’s post – who I can so relate to, I don’t feel sorry for that man. I just want to wish you all the strength. And time will do its job and heal your pain. In my own relationship, I gave up. We are back together, we might move back together soon. And I already feel so stressed and sad for not being able to stand up for my opinion and myself. As I know that I will never be happy with him. I want to be free and by myself. But I felt too sorry for his situation, and thought if I could just help him to stand up on his feet…. And I know it is a mistake. And I am already dreaming of my escape. I probably don’t make sense at all.

[backtome]

I’ve suggested this to him thank you

[backtome]

Sorry first reply was to WalkerInTheRain, still getting used to the forum.

I know exactly how you feel and why you went back. I’ve spent years trying to get my ex to stand on his own two feet. I’ve done job applications for him, given him advice, driven him places etc but he never changes 🙁

I hope you find your own strength soon too, good luck!

[Lightness]

Backtome

Well done for recognising that you need to stay strong and not give in.
You have already had great advice above. It is time for you to put yourself FIRST. Put on your own gas mask before helping others. He does not deserve anything from you. No contact is the way to go.
YES the guilt does get easier. Eventually your guilt is likely to change into anger at what he did to you / is continuing to do to you and shame that you were conned by his nonsense. I think these are easier feelings to deal with than the guilt, particularly as your feelings are so raw right now.

Stay strong – you can do this

x

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

They always use the kids in between to get to us, if he couldnt traet u right, why would u want a guy like that aroudn your girl, say the truth to yor girl that u no longer get on with him, he hurt u or made u sad thats why u dont live toghether and when shes older your explain in more detail but thats all she needs to know. My ex side did that to my eldest, bad mouthed me, said i was depressed and in time the family would be one again, play up so she comess back . Glad to hear u have support around u, in time it does get better, u just have to get stronger, its natural to feel bad, as thats what they are good at, making us think of them first

[backtome]

I saw him (detail removed by moderator) for contact with our little girl and he gave me all his money from his benefits. I tried to give it back but he wouldn’t take it. Now that I’m starting to see him for who he is I’m realising that this is just another guilt tactic – if he gives me all his money for our daughter then he can’t feed himself etc. I don’t need or want any money from him, obviously he should pay towards our little girl out of principle but I don’t need him to do that and certainly not to give me all the money he has in a bid to make me feel more guilty.

He still keeps asking about meeting up (detail removed by moderator) to talk. I really don’t want to and I’ve told him that it’s not a good idea, but he just keeps asking what time shall we meet etc as if he hasn’t heard what I’ve said.

[Herindoors]

backtome – you feel guilty because you are a nice compassionate person, you feel guilt because you are not an abuser. Make no mistake though, our abusers also know how to push our guilt buttons, they are experts in this. So push those guilt feelings down and prioritise you and your child.
Like the others I can’t say ‘No Contact’ enough. Its the only way and really helps with the guilt because you are not constantly seeing messages etc..from them. If you have to maintain contact due to your child can you do this through a third party?
Well done and good luck x*x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

My advice would be just ignore the text, he is just after a reaction, give him none to get the message through. I would refuse to take all his money so he has nothing to make u feel guilty about , just take maybe x amount and leave rest . No contact will make u stronger , i know its hard when kids are involved but if someone else can pass kids over it will be better for u , this sadly is how they get message

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

My advice would be just ignore the text, he is just after a reaction, give him none to get the message through. I would refuse to take all his money so he has nothing to make u feel guilty about , just take maybe x amount and leave rest . No contact will make u stronger , i know its hard when kids are involved but if someone else can pass kids over it will be better for u , this sadly is how they get message

[Grateful]

I’ve just given divorce papers to my husband who has declared himself a broken man, appears very repentant. He says he realises in hind sight how have some behaviour has affected us and promises to act differently in the future.
Then went through the letter refuting all my points and making it clear he will fight for (detail removed by moderator) so can stay in house with our child.

He said he will see a councillor IF I withdraw divorce petition FIRST….

All I have ever wanted was for him to be pleasant so it’s hard to stay strong when it will cause such a battle going through divorce or stop it and try again with a promise of niceness.

So like you, I think I should carry on, stay strong and hope I can encourage him to counselling separately.

[fizzylem]

If he hasn’t got anywhere to see her then he can’t take her can he. He could take her to the park but it sounds like he doesn’t have any money to take her out anywhere else. None of this is your fault, it is just the way it is right now, as soon as he realises he’s not coming back he might start trying to sort out somewhere to live and contact family and friends or agencies to help him. Not your problem flower.

He’s desperate at the moment, is it that he wants you and his family back or is it that what he needs right now is the security of a home and what comes with that? His behaviour in the past has taught you that he doesn’t love, respect or appreciate you or his family unit hey.

Focus your energies on moving into no contact, and looking after you and your daughter – I’m unsure how old she is but if you talk to any of the professionals in her life who she has access to they can help you to find the words to help with the adjustment or know where to send you both for help, or you could speak to other mums’s and find out how they handled it, parentline is another good resource for help with this. She really just needs to know what is happening and why in a way she can understand and accept, and be reassured that none of it is her fault – as kids always think things are. Children do bounce back and adapt, especially once she realises it’s better than it was before.

A big mistake I made was believing that I have to put up with his abuse and be a responsible parent so I must maintain contact so that we can arrange visits for her. I was wrong, he used my daughter to hurt me by doing what the hell he liked with her to be intentionally disrespectful and cause me distress, this put her in risky situations. All this did was help to keep the abuse line open and going. All you need is a parental agreement, you could do this privately and then cut contact or do it via the legal route. There are ways to manage the situation so that you never have to see or hear from this man again where he can still have contact with his daughter.

But it sounds to me that there can not be any access at the mo as he has no family or place to see her – so until he does he cant really see her can he – not your responsibility – all your daughter needs to know is that she wont be seeing him for some time until you have both sorted out when and where he can see her. Is she old enough to have or use her own phone yet? Maybe they could whatsapp one another in the meantime?

[Nova]

Hi there…all sounds tough… maybe? you could find a children’s services centre, in your area, council run…they are often a meeting point.
You can drop off…NC is the priority…& your child will be in a safe space.
Try your GP who can refer you to Social Services
…if you want him to have some kind of access, in your own time (this is what I did)
Though please make sure your all good with it, as it all very fragile,step by step,
Try not to let him allow him to flood your emotions with the ‘victim’ game…Trust yourself..
as the ladies have said, his problem, not yours.
He is unlikely to change, hard as that is..focus your energy on you.

Now & the future is all about you, and your child.

Hugs
Cx

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