15th June 2021 at 6:56 pm #127210
I left under the guise of trial separation. I have spoken to him (detail removed by Moderator) in the last few weeks. Each time it was just him basically repeating everything from the past couple of years, I misunderstood him, we need to learn to communicate better, If I go back he won’t say anything if I want to go out or spend time with my family.
My eldest has pretty much taken his side but she told me (detail removed by Moderator) I was being cruel by popping into the house when he wasn’t there, my things are still there or post. An on the 1 instance where I rang him, I was horrible to do so. I rang him to tell him (detail removed by moderator) as I knew he wouldn’t know where to find this.
I explained I wasn’t ready to tell him yet, not because i plan on going back but because every time I have tried to have any conversation with him it just ends up going round in circles with him refusing to accept what I am saying.
I explained I wasn’t strong enough to deal with the fallout from all of it yet. She offered to be there but I think that will just make it worse.
He is currently being sent home from work due to breaking down all the time and refuses to sleep in our bed until I come home. He is just a sobbing mess from what I have been told.
15th June 2021 at 7:04 pm #127211
It’s none of her business how you handle your marriage. I suspect he’s putting pressure on her. Before you tell him make sure all your ducks are in a row. Legally, financially, safety wise. Make sure you have all your belongings and don’t need him for anything because once you tell him a d go zero contact you will see the real nasty side of him. He will use the children and anything else he can. He’s playing the victim and he’s refusing to accept your decision. So get all your ducks in a row and don’t tell him when you’re on your own. He’s not going to accept what you say anyway so get on with your own plans. He’s not your responsibility. Be blunt and firm and move to divorce him on unreasonable behaviour. He will take the shirt off your back without a second thought so protect yourself x
15th June 2021 at 7:23 pm #127213
My daughter has asked me not to go to the house anymore as I wouldn’t like it if he turned up at my new place. She is pushing for me to cut ties completely, she has even removed me from insurance stuff and put her as the beneficiary. I’m scared I could walk away with nothing. I have been putting off getting legal advice as I think in my head it makes it all final, even though I know it is. Sounds lame writing it down.
15th June 2021 at 8:58 pm #127219
You definitely need legal advice. How dare she. Just getting advice doesn’t mean you have to act so look on it as an education episode. Most solicitors offer free legal advice. My son had some traits he had learned from his father. The apple didn’t fall far from the tree and there was victim blaming and he sided with his abusive father. Maybe because he felt safer doing so. Whatever the reasons for her actions you need to protect your assets and get legal advice or get someone to do It for you.
15th June 2021 at 9:56 pm #127223
Thank you. Im a little shocked to be fair.
16th June 2021 at 1:33 pm #127244
Yes I was shocked by the behaviour of my son too. We spend years trying to keep the peace that it’s difficult to stick up for ourselves but now is the time to take control. Don’t tell your daughter anything. It’s between you and your husband. You can bet he will be using her. He’s not helpless, he’s not her responsibility and he will suck the energy from you both like a parasite if you allow it. It’s her choice if she wants to side with him but you need to stay focussed on you and your future because it sounds like they both have a different agenda x
16th June 2021 at 9:19 pm #127262
How do you become that sort of person? I have always put my girls and him first and have always tried to be fair with people in general. I struggle to be assertive.
16th June 2021 at 10:25 pm #127264
I think eventually for want of a better phrase, the worm turns. I just had enough. Couldn’t take anymore pain from them and decided I needed to put myself first. It was down to survival. Them Or me and I chose me.
17th June 2021 at 5:39 am #127273
Thanks Kip. Guess I need to dig deep again. Xx
17th June 2021 at 2:22 pm #127290ISOPeaceParticipant
Hi Catjam, I’m sorry to hear you’re having to go through this. It sounds really difficult and painful.
I’m reading a Lundy Bancroft book atm about the effect of abuse towards the mother on children, even if they don’t witness it directly. I know your daughter is grown up but she will have been affected growing up. He explains the different roles children end up playing to deal with what’s going on. Sometime that will be siding with him.
You might find her behaviour easier to understand if you think of the fact that an abuser maintains control by sucking the while family into his game. He may be manipulating her because he wants to control her and/or as a way to control you. Either way, she’s in a similar position to where you were before you realised he was abusive. She’s acting from a place of fear, which is blinding her to the reality of what’s happening. She’s one of his flying monkeys. It sounds like he’s really going to town on appearing to be the poor, broken man, left bereft by his wife. It’s working on your daughter, sadly.
I’m not suggesting you should do what she wants just because she’s a victim too. She has no right to tell you what you should do and legally you are allowed to go to your house. It’s certainly not best for you to do what she wants you to. I don’t think it’s best for her to see you sacrificing yourself because of the manipulation your husband has initiated and sucked her into. She’s an adult so you have to let her make her own decisions.
I would write an email/letter to him to explain you’re not coming back. Don’t put yourself in the position of giving him the chance to guilt you into changing your mind. The conversation will go round in circles because he’s only interested in what he wants. His wants aren’t compatible with yours so there is nowhere for the conversation to go. You don’t need a conversation about it. You don’t need his permission or approval to leave. You don’t need him to understand why you’re not coming back. It know it might feel like you do, but that’s just part of the control he still has over you. It’s always ok to choose to not sacrifice yourself for other people. He is trying to continue to convince you that his needs are more important than yours. But they’re not. Sending love xxxx
17th June 2021 at 5:52 pm #127295
Thank you ISO peace, your reply made me cry. I have seen the book by Lundy Bancroft but wasn’t sure it was relevant to me as my girls are all adults. I will certainly have a read though. I have read his other books and also read his blogs. My confidence is low, even to the point where i try to reply to other ladies but start doubting I am giving the right advice so delete it.
I have been in touch with all the relevant companies and let them know of a change in circumstances so hopefully any letters or forms will be sent directly to me as well as him.
I have an important event in a couple of weeks, important only to me and I need to stay focused and work hard to achieve the result I want. He can wait till then as I don’t want the drama ruining this opportunity.
17th June 2021 at 8:30 pm #127296maddogParticipant
Oh Catjam, what a journey you’re on! What progress! You’re out! Wow, you amazing woman!
You are under no obligation to tell him anything. When you’re telling relevant companies about a change in circumstances, it’s really worth mentioning that it’s because of Domestic Abuse, and that they’re not to share information unless they absolutely have to. The shame of DA isn’t yours.
Abusers behave like heat-seeking missiles. It can happen to absolutely anyone. You’ve demonstrated that you have a will to live, an independent streak. You have a fire in your belly.
You can get free legal advice from Citizen’s Advice, and often your local Women’s Aid will have a solicitor attached to them. Rights of Women is a fantastic resource, and I’ve found The Court Said really helpful as well. Your daughter is telling a load of rubbish and is bullying you. Your fear of the legal system is completely understandable. It’s so important to lawyer up with a team that absolutely understands the dynamics of DA, and who understands the dangers of dealing with an abuser. The DA team with the police should be able to advise you.
Please don’t be afraid of reporting your experience. You can tell the police that you don’t want them to speak to your partner and that you just want things on the record.
Are you getting any counselling support? It may help now you are out of the direct line of fire. Domestic Abuse so often causes trauma, and although we think of trauma being caused by bombs and bullets, in an abusive relationship we live under constant threat, and our brains respond in the same way.
I really hope I haven’t been bombarding you. Little by little, we progress to freedom. The escape is a massive move. Nobody ‘just leaves’. There’s loads of stuff on Youtube. Dr Ramini and Dr Carter are both useful resources. From the horse’s mouth, there’s Dr Vankrin and H G Tudor. The latter explain well how it is for them not to experience empathy.
You’re on the path. You’re doing so much better than how you see yourself. Baby steps.
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