How do people cope..

[Gazebo]

I feel I don’t give much advice on here and always posting asking for help so I’m sorry I’m rubbish helping other people 🙁 I’m still struggling but wanted to ask how people cope when still in the relationship / marriage and they continue to say to you all the time love love you lots etc and still want you to be lovey dovey when it’s the last thing I want – I really want to get out but at the moment I’m not strong enough and don’t feel ready with two small children I just wish I knew how to deal with it all better xx

[Eggshells]

I’m not sure I can really answer except to say I really didn’t cope. The time in the run up to leaving was unbearable and it made my ready to leave earlier than planned.

I went total grey rock but the more I did it, the harder he tried to engage me.

In the end, I spent the entire time locked in my room. Even going to the kitchen to make a cup of tea would result in him appearing and trying to engage with me or have a go at me or manipulate me in sone way. I had to text my sons if I wanted a drink and they would get it for me.

It was so intolerable, I left without anywhere to go to.

I think the longer you try to grey rock for, the more unbearable the abuse becomes and the sooner you’ll feel ready to leave.

[Gazebo]

Thank you for replying – how long did it take you to leave? I’m finding it harder and harder and the more I become distant the more he doesn’t leave me alone constantly saying do you need some of my happy pills…and your so grumpy I just can’t smile around him anymore but he hates it so pushes even more. If it wasn’t for my children I’d walk I just hate it once there in bed as it’s just me and him then and every night it’s what we doing tonight then….he’s waiting for me to suggest sex and I really don’t want to some nights I do just to get it out of the way – every text he says love you or love you lots and I have to respond with the same 🙁 and I just hate having to be this person xx

[Wants To Help]

I dealt with it one day at a time. I lived every day as if this was it for the rest of my life. We had one young child. I just accepted I had ‘a relationship that had its ups and downs’. I minimised the abuse, made excuses for it, changed my behaviour, ‘tried harder’, did as he asked, lived miserably, did the sexual duty to keep him happy/more pleasant, bought nice things for the home in the hope that having a ‘show home’ style house would make it more bearable, reduced my time with family and friends, lost weight because he wanted me to, gave up my job and moved to another country so he could progress his job. I learned how to ‘switch off’ and go in to another place in my head when he would start yelling at me again over something I’d done ‘wrong’.

Then one day, after several years, I had a ‘significant emotional event’. I took my chances and I fled with our child. It was flee or suicide, they were (to me) my only two options.

[Gazebo]

I have to say I do feel so low sometimes that I just want to run away but I can’t ever leave my children and especially not with him I just wish I was strong enough to say enough I can’t do this anymore but I’m also worried as soon as I do he will try and talk me around to keep at it :-(I hate feeling so trapped xx

[Wants To Help]

I once saw one of those ‘inspirational quote’ things on the internet that I thought was pretty awesome. It was a photo of a grown horse wearing a halter and rein, it was in a wide open space and the rein was tied to a plastic garden chair that was placed randomly on the ground. The caption with it was “Sometimes, the only thing holding us back is all in our minds.” I mean, whoever thought a horse could not walk away from a plastic garden chair, (albeit, dragging it along)?

It is never recommended that women leaving abusive men leave without their children, yet I fully accept in some exceptional circumstances they have to. I actually left without my child in order to go and get some help, and in the time I was gone my ex left with our son and disappeared. I had no idea where they were and I actually thought he’d gone off on a murder/suicide mission due to the unique situation of our circumstances. It was a while before I got our son back, and within days something else happened and we were gone, this time for good.

Don’t over think things. Take one step at a time. Don’t dwell on what he might say after you have left, deal with that aspect after you have left. We can never tell how things will unfold once we’ve left (except predict that these men are going to be difficult and make things as hard and unpleasant as possible – but we know that don’t we?) Seriously, if I’d have known how my post-fleeing situation would have unfolded I’d have never dared flee, but thankfully I couldn’t see in to the future. But looking back… I am so proud of myself. I learned so much about myself, how strong I actually was, and I have no regrets. My abuser told me he would financially destroy me. He did – but I recovered. He told me he would drive me to suicide. He didn’t. He told me I’d never find happiness again. I did. My son is now an adult. He is happy, stable, secure. He now knows what happened and what I did to get away. He is proud of me too. He has witnessed for himself over the years his dad’s behaviour to the wives that followed (yes, in the plural – he continued to abuse his future partners) and is grateful that I took him away from that life style and gave him a peaceful and secure one. My son has NOT suffered by growing up without a (abusive) father in his life. He had other role model men in his life instead. Do not let a fear of depriving your children of an abusive father be a reason for you to stay.

I understand how it is to feel trapped. I don’t underestimate how hard it is to get out for good. All I can say is, as in my case, you will find a way when you absolutely have to.

[nbumblebee]

Hey @gazebo, I just wanted to say you are not alone I feel this way too honey.
All I am doing is taking one day at a time. Not helpful I know but I have no clue how to do this either. Keep posting, keep reading other peoples posts they do help especially the positive ones these really give me strength and hope that maybe one day I will be posting on the positive feed.
Hang on in there you are not alone in this xxxx

[Gazebo]

Thank you, I’ve had an awful few days with him Sunday especially was just horrible. I thought he was going to start a row and I thought you know I’m ready to tell you I’m done but once kids were in bed he became all nicey nicey again 🙁 I hate it so so much xx do you ever feel like even your family don’t ask anymore how you are because their bored of hearing it I feel more and more like they don’t even care so feel even more alone in all this and more trapped. Xx

[nbumblebee]

@gazebo
nobody knows about my situation I keep up an amazing front and so does he.
According to every single person i know apart from my (detail removed by moderator) who first noticed my marriage is amazing and i am such a lucky girl.
My mum tells me how ive landed on my feet by marrying him.

With regards to feeling guilty about posting DONT.
This is what this page is for. One day sweetie im sure that you will be one of the ladies who are on here to help us. Someone who has come out the other end and survived. One day you will be on here telling your amazing story and insipring and helping others. Until then keep posting, keep asking because you need this to help you through to help you find a way for you to reach the life you deserve. Sending you hugs x

[ISOPeace]

Hey Gazebo, living with abuse is hard in so many ways. I think friends/family feel like they just don’t now how to help and can end up closing off because they don’t like feeling helpless. In hindsight, I wish I’d had the courage to say to friends that I know they can’t solve my problem and I don’t expect them to. I ended up just not talking about it any more.

@Wants to Help that is a really interesting analogy. I love an analogy and would take it further. In my experience with horses, they actually do test how strongly they’re tethered and will even risk injury to pull themselves loose if they feel threatened. What’s missing from the picture is the person who has convinced the horse that it’s not strong enough to move the chair, probably through pretty brutal means. @Gezebo, you are that beautiful, innocent horse that has been brutalised into believing she’s weak and helpless. Every one of us on here has been that horse too. We would love to have someone untie us and set us free. But that won’t stop us believing we’re not strong enough to move the chair ourselves so we wouldn’t be free. For some people, a significant emotional even may startle the horse into using her strength, but a lot of people manage to leave without needing that event. The best anyone can do to help is to explain what’s happened to you and why you feel trapped, and help you feel safe enough to see your strength and use it when you’re ready. In my experience you don’t necessarily feel strong when you’re ready to leave, you just feel like you just about have enough strength to do it.

It sounds like things are really tough for you at the moment. For me, there wasn’t one event that made me leave. It was the constant wearing away at me and attacking me that made me realise I was never going to be able to look after my mental wellbeing while with him. I felt myself spiralling down and I was terrified how far I would end up if I stayed. So things getting really bad did help me leave in the end. My advice is to do as much as you can to focus on your own wellbeing and doing things that help you feel stronger. Your mind will slowly see that you are worth looking after and you’ll loosen some of the power he has over you. It also feels empowering to feel like you’re working towards something.

It may feel hopeless now but you will leave him when you’re ready. I know you want that to be now and it’s horrible waiting to be ready, but please do trust that you will do it. You have all the strength you need, just like that horse, you just need the care and love to help you find it and a lot of that love can come from you. Sending lots of love xxxx

[Gazebo]

Thank you @isopeace, I just want to turn around to him and tell him where to go but I can’t do it he’s being really weird lately to and asking me random questions and saying you don’t talk about your past at all all those things you used to do and enjoy – yeah the reason I don’t mention it as it’s always thrown back in my face later on, called names and you did that with them so why not with me so I don’t talk about anything anymore in fear of when it will come back to bite my bum 🙁 he also keeps asking me what it is I don’t like about horror movies and what do I thinks going to happen, sounds minor but there’s just something the way he’s asking is freaking me out a bit xx he’s off for two days now so I’m stuck at hike with him and he does naff all just sits wound telling me what I’m doing wrong or shouting at the kids xx
I’m so glad you managed to escape in the end can I ask how long it took you? Xx

[ISOPeace]

Hi Gazebo, btw there really is no need to apologise about your posts. You courage to share what you’re going through helps others too, whether it’s in seeing that other people are experiencing the same as them or in reflecting on their own experiences when they reply to you. Plus you can’t overburden here because people can choose to dip in and out of the forum.

I remember that feeling of wanting to tell my ex where to go but feeling like I couldn’t. I think it feels wrong because we get all these messages about how there is sexual equality and women should take responsibility to stand up for themselves. But of course when it comes to abuse, standing up for yourself comes at a very high price. So you’re left with the choice to either feel cr@ppy about letting them walk over you, standing up for yourself and facing the punishment, or accepting that you choose to actively not engage in his games, which allows you to take a bit of power back in a low key way.

All those questions are probably attempts to bait you. It’s also possible that he’s convinced himself that you have a normal relationship and so he can’t understand why you’re not behaving ‘normally’. Or he wants you to behave ‘normally’ to maintain the charade that you have a normal relationship…. either way you’re right to not share things with him. The more you give him, the more he will take of you.

It’s hard to say how long it took me to leave. I mean I knew early on things weren’t ok and I may have even used the word abuse, but I don’t think I’d really acknowledged it. Then things got better for several years. Then they got worse and I think I probably decided I wanted to leave about 3 or 4 years before I managed it. But I didn’t do anything to learn about abuse or join this forum until about 4 months before I left. I’m sure that learning about abuse was a really big help, in part because in kept me in the mindset of someone who was trying to leave, rather than someone who was trying to avoid leaving. Don’t assume it will take you as long. I had some really lovely supportive friends, but it’s not the same as having support from people who understand. This forum has made a huge difference for me. xxxx

[Anonymous]

Hi Gazebo,

You don’t need to apologise for posting on here. Going through what you are going through can take all the energy you have, and don’t have! We all know what it’s like. I would have been venting and asking for help all the time if I knew about this forum while I was with my ex.
I still struggle and ask for help even after separating. It is a huge thing to do. Maybe taking little steps to plan leaving him could help. Thinking about walking out with small children seems impossible. I was a stay at home Mum and didn’t have any income of my own for years in our marriage. There were several times I wanted to apply for social housing so I would have somewhere to run to. I never did. But little steps like that can help. Like getting legal advice, or going to a counsellor.
When I first went to counselling, I was told I was being raped and abused. My counsellor eluded to me needing permission to leave my husband. I explained that was not what I was looking for, that I wanted help with staying in the relationship. Support on how to respond and deal with the abuse. My counsellor told me that she does not support that, and that I should leave my partner. But seeing that I was set on trying to get help to deal with it, she decided to continue seeing me only because she felt I was in a dire situation and didn’t want to abandon me.
I made the mistake of speaking with my ex about her professional opinion thinking he would want to do the right thing because he loved me, and would be open to changing his mind. This drove him to a huge smear campaign against me, which made the post separation time even harder as nobody believed me.
Also, I stopped having sex with my ex because the counsellor’s words soaked in. This caused my ex to be even more unbearable. Looking back, I suppose this helped me get out.
Every escape is different.
My counsellor explained that refusing sex was taking back my control. But we do need to be careful because some men react dangerously if they know they can’t get sex from us anymore.
I feel I babbled a bit, and I might have repeated myself.
I really hope for you to have a better future xx

[Gazebo]

Thank you @oceanxx that’s one of the main things I hate to is having sex when I really don’t want to I feel gross doing it and hate myself for doing it but I know once I do it gives me a couple of days to not have to 🙁 xx I’m going to look at getting some counselling he thinks I’m doing that to work on us but I’m going to do it for me and also will try and contact women’s aid again – just getting scared contacting them because of his job..and being found out x I feel so sad at the moment and this week have gone out on the car to the shops and felt like I just wanted to drive and not come back but I can’t leave my babies xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Gazebo,

I know the feeling. I stayed in my marriage for more years than you. And I did the same. Had sex just to get some sort of a break for a couple days. He still mistreated me everyday, it was just a bit more bearable.
There are many things to consider when thinking about separating. It’s a very hard thing to do. And post separation has it’s problems too. That being said, I’m still much happier not having to live with him. I felt like a sex slave when we were together. No more walking on eggshells either. I don’t have to worry about going to bed and reading a book, because the consequences for doing that before instead of having sex were terrifying.
I can cook what I want, wear what I want, and laugh how I want.
You have started reaching out and have become aware of your situation much sooner than I did. I believe you will have freedom. Until then, I hope you find some sense of peace to keep you going.
xx

[Author]

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