How do we cope?

[Anonymous]

Abusers name call, belittle, gaslight, make you doubt yourself and who you are – your identity becomes what they tell you you are. I’ve experienced this through court.

How do we move past all the negative things professionals have said about us? Their harsh words ring in my ears and I’m so, so hard on myself. I don’t want to believe all the awful things they said about me but I feel I’ve completely lost who I thought I was and I don’t recognise who I am anymore.

[fizzylem]

Yes, I’ve got this coming up; I know he’s gearing up for a full on attack – with lies – of course I will be an unfit mother. I’m prepping myself now – to ignore what he says completely – I refuse to step into his crazy and validate his delusions – I will respond only to the J when necessary; I wont be investing any time afterwards going over what he said – it is his right to say and play things however he wants; for me, I have my truth and that is all I’m interested in trying to convey – and that’s it.

As I’m not on the other side like you I can not say; but I guess I’m hoping what will see me through is my strong sense of self – my truth – people don’t need to believe me all the time, I get that they wont and that they will make their own opinions, these people also come with their own preconcieved assumptions and are not always right – I can’t do anything about that so I’m not going to get invested in it. All I can do is try my best to articulate what I need to say.

You need love and support; from those who know you, those who will not judge you, new friends who do not know your past, as this frees us hey, frees us to be who we are now – only spend time now with those who make you smile, or those who get you – forget the rest – to redress the balance and heal from this dreadful experience.

You practice self care every day – this is always the first step in healing for everyone, the more you inject self care the more you stop feeling rubbish.

Sounds like you would benefit from therapy as well x

[KIP.]

I like to think of a rock of truth in a choppy sea. You hang onto that rock when the huge waves try to knock you off it. Your rock of truth. You know yourself better than any professionals. Especially ones that are paid by him to discredit you. I’ve been through court and it’s not nice but no experience is wasted if we learn from it. Don’t take these comments personally. I had my abusers voice in my head for a very long time. Recovery is a roller coaster ride so just be very kind to yourself and take baby steps x

[Anonymous]

Thank you for these comments. It’s just so awful, their lies become permenately written down on paper and the professionals refer to it and it’s so scary that that will be there forever. How can so many professionals be manipulated by one awful man?

[KIP.]

You know the truth. When lies are spoken or written it doesn’t change the fact that they’re lies. Lies with zero evidence. My ex came up with dreadful triggering stories which floored me in the beginning. Given time I can laugh at it now. How pathetic those lies were. And there was no reasoning apart from being vindictive. He could have walked away and saved himself a criminal record and restraining order but they simply can’t do that. Even when the consequences for them are dire. Such is their ego and need for control. Hopefully you can rebuild now. Onwards and upwards x

[fizzylem]

Don’t let it in SD, you know what is the truth; I’m so sorry you feel this injustice. We all of us experience injustices, try to accept this is one of those times for you, it is not you, you are not a bad person, I’m sure you did your best through it all, this is simply an ‘injustice’. Log it as such.

I watched the film Woman in Gold last night on bbc iplayer, have you seen it? A true story of injustice and terrible wrong doings; I think you would find Helen Mirram’s characher a source of inspiration, she is a good example of how to hold yourself when this happens. She did get justice in the end but the horrific things that had happened had already happened, we cant change the past hey, so there was no real happy ending, only putting things right, making things as they should be.

You really only have two choices, you either pick up the fight or log it as an injustice, put it aside, and move forwards. It does help if you can learn things from something like this as well, use it to build some euippment for life x

[HopeLifeJoy]

I see it like the gossip papers and you are the star about whom they speak and not one story is true, it is all made up. It doesn’t make it real if it’s written down, it’s their script, not yours.

Look at artist such as Freddie Mercury from Queen, papers weren’t kind to him during his lifetime, crossing into his private life instead of appreciating his music, but you see his legacy lives on (Bohemian Rhapsody film honored him).

The truth last a life time and way beyond. Lies won’t last even if written down it doesn’t give them more power, your truth is what matters and what lives on. You just have to believe it.

I did loose my identity, not after the courts thank goodness but much much later, not too long ago actually, and what helped me to get bits and parts of myself back is to write down my values, my interests on a white board. Discovering who I am, shedding lots of what my ex and even my abusive sister told me to be, wear and do.
I update it regularly to what helps me, to see it written helps me internatlise it and believing it. And so I build myself back up day after day to who I once was.

[Author]

Posts