How do you 'co-parent' with a toxic ex

[Violas]

Hi, I’ve just joined the forum. I was just wondering what people’s experience/advice with ‘co-parenting’ would be. We have just been to court for a second time and contact is now 50/50. I have found the whole court process really traumatic and upsetting. I am so worried about the future now as he appears to want to make life as difficult and miserable for me as he possibly can. Our child is only little so I am so worried about how this is going to work. I just don’t know how I am supposed to co-parent with someone who is so unreasonable and who tries to control everything.

I feel so depressed and I can’t really see much positive about the future. I feel like he is ruining my life. I have had really great support from family and friends but I feel very alone – I don’t feel like I can keep turning to them because it’s such a strain on everyone.

[diymum@1]

hi welcome to the forum

this unfortunately is now this plays out in co-parenting with an abuser – its not really possible without causing alot of damage to you and the kids. the over riding thing is you have to be emotionally well to parent your kids. this is a huge responsibilty because with an abusive man this is all about him and not really the kids. this seems like a big over generalisation but in truth 99% of the time this is the case (unfortunately) i tried to co- parent with my abuser for two years. it was fraught to say the least and i could write screeds on what happened. he used the kids against me- tried to turn them against me and he suceeded with one of my children. he got his family on side. they often have no interest in the kids once they got them for the day.

here is a list that might resonate with you xx

[diymum@1]

-persuading the children that you are to blame for the separation.
-having the children transmit messages to you.
-pumping them for information about your current living situation,your finances,or your new partners.
-returning them dirty,unfed,or emotionally distraught from visits.
-frequently buying them presents or taking them on exspensive outings,to buy their affection and loyalty.
-turning the children against you through verbal conditioning and manipulation.
-undermining your parenting by making his home a place with no rules,structure,or safety precautions.
-having specail toys or pets at his house that they cannot bring home, so they have to go to his house to enjoy them.
-making the children feel sorry for him about the separation,such as telling them he crys when theyre not there,so they will feel obligated to spend more time with him.
-taking them for visits and returning them late,or not returning them at all for days or even weeks.
-not calling them or spending time with them at all, especially if he is angry at you about something.
-not paying child support,underpaying,or paying late.
-causing you and the children to become homeless by not contributing financially,by getting you evicted, or by forcing the sale of your home.
-threatening all kinds of harm if you let your children to get to know your new partner.
-destroying their relationships with therapist or other proffesionals through manipulation.
-dragging you into court repeatedly regarding visitation.
seeking custody of the children through court or threatening to do so.
-kidnapping the children or threatening to do so.
-abusing the children through visitation, especially when he is angry at you.
-filing unwaranted child abuse reports.
-promising to see the children then cancelling at the last minite,in an effort to control your schedule/free time.

[diymum@1]

this is why you need to take back some of his control – so third party for hand over and communication. take yourself out of the equation – this way he cant get to you directly any more (that is your human right and it allows you to get stronger) then you are able to parent your kids how YOU want to. this teaches them to respect you as there mum a good strong role model. if im being honest you are there only good role model. these men contin ue the cycle of abuse through their kids they teach them that they are entitled, if they play victim they get what they want – they teach them to disrespect mum xxxx you can draw the line but will need to be done through a solicitor. its a hard step making these changes but its the only way if what you need is normality. handover can be at a contact centre and if he kicks off or makes wrong choices when it comes to the kids or is abusive which they always are whether covert or overt – i say supervised access xxxx

[KIP.]

Via a third party. All communication via a third party. Keep a detailed journal of his behaviour from day one. If he can’t get access to you and see the distress he causes you then very often he will begin to increase his abusive unreasonable behaviour. It’s at this point with evidence you can return to your solicitor and request his contact with his child is reduced. Meantime having zero direct contact will put a buffer between you and his toxic presence. He will hate this as his goal in life is to see you upset. He may even stop seeing his child as much. It’s often a game to them of getting as much contact as possible then when he gets a new supply (gf), he may lose interest.

[Violas]

Thank you both for your replies – it really helps. I will have a proper read through of what you’ve said later after little one is in bed. When you say 3rd party though for communication – do you use a family member for example?

[diymum@1]

yeh someone you trust that can be impartial xx

[diymum@1]

one of my friends took care of the pay as you go phone i got for him only – he wasnt best pleased but it was a reasonable offer to be able to communicate with out the caos xx

[Twisted Sister]

Yes, someone else you trust.

Remember court orders do not condone abuse, so you can still write to the court with anybharms and contraventions.

Give your old phone to someone else and get yourself a new one and only give the number out to very uber trusted friends and family.

These things will keep you sane.

Don’t do hand overs and have a ‘contact’ book, so any information can be carried by the child between you, like, needs an early night, or not eaten well, feeling poorly etc.

Put it in child’s belongings for him to write in too. Especially where meds are concerned.

See 50/50 as a starting point. It’s not going to work, and it needs continually revisiting.

Is he handing over his 50 to someone else by any chance? This is also so very common, and that he will feed another partner lines about you and how poorly you treat your child etc, garnering their sympathy and support to take on responsibility for your child too, whilst he has none actually! Feeling he wins and makes you suffer.

It’s a start point and will need to change, just keep getting support and police involved/updated.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Twisted Sister]

Partner isn’t a word you can apply to an abuser, neither is co-parenting.

They are not about either.

[Author]

Posts