How do you find the courage to call it a day in your **’s

[Coogeebee]

I came upstairs (detail removed by Moderator) while he was (detail removed by Moderator) intending to wash up after I had finished part of a (detail removed by Moderator) I am doing for my daughter. He shouted up the stairs then went (detail removed by Moderator). I went down and he was asking if I had fed the (detail removed by Moderator) something because he had been sick. He stood there saying over and over you must have fed him something. He was really angry going on that I hadn’t even washed up because I had been (detail removed by Moderator) again and walked off. I hit him on the back of his (detail removed by Moderator) because yet again he has belittled something I have been enjoying. He started to call me mental again and I needed help and he would ring the police and have me arrested, I was violent he would tell my daughter. I let him go on and cleaned up and he has now gone out and I’m left here thinking here we go again, why did I react like that etc. I know this is never going to change. I need to go but where! We have joint tenancy in our house. I can’t keep going through this, it’s got to stop. But I have this block about actually going because of how much stuff we have and having to sort it out, and would you believe hurting him! I must go, I just want to feel relaxed and able to leave the washing up if I want to, I’m fed up with walking on egg shells and going on for months telling myself it’s ok now. I had felt so much more in control of myself and even my daughter said I had my spark back, she had been worried about me earlier in the year. Has anyone else got out of a long term partnership. I’m (detail removed by Moderator) and really don’t feel strong enough for this. I know how I reacted was wrong but I just saw red, that I was being blamed again for something and my (detail removed by Moderator) being belittled. I have little enough self esteem as it is. I don’t want to do another year like this. I can’t, I want some peace in my life.

[KIP.]

He’s making you into someone you don’t want to be. He knows how to get a reaction from you and that’s what he wants. I was with my abuser decades and the thing that scared me was growing old with him. Losing those last years I had to a nasty selfish abuser. I watched my abusers mum die in agony with his dad turning his back in her because it was too much bother. Remember that man will be responsible for your care in later years and we know any kind of vulnerability they see as weakness and love exploiting it. Get out while you have your health. It’s not to late. Talk to women’s aid. You can have him removed from the tendency because of domestic abuse and there is a refuge if you feel you need support there.

[maddog]

Oh Coogeebee, it doesn’t matter how old you are. You’ve arrived here. Forget about feeling strong. When we arrive on this forum we are feeling vulnerable, angry, hurt. We’ve experienced untold hell. Please contact your local Women’s Aid. You can also dial 101 and ask to speak to the Domestic Abuse team. Victim Support is also really good. All of these organisations understand the fear, the anger, the frustration.

Real life support is out there. You are so not alone

[FacingRealityAtLast]

hey Coogoo … can relate – mine always telling me im bonkers n should take my meds – im off meds cos they didnt help and determined not to get depressed again … not surprising i couldnt face reality … all that shouting n blaming …defining your reality … they are def more bonkers than we are!

Never too late to live in peace w’out ppl who are so intolerant n lacking humility that they are human beings n do cruel things to make themselves feel better. They have the same mentality as fanatics – they are dangerous – its not you … they make us so angry. It’s important we do not descend to their level else they will use it against us. It’s understandable and forgiveable but not useful to ourselves.

I myself managed to get through to domestic abuse site and got assessment n they will help me safely get rid of him – hope you too. It is v difficult I know but we only got one life – surely we no less than others deserve a bit of happiness – buddha apparently said that so must be true xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[gettingtired]

I totally get how you feel. Like you I’m sick of walking on eggshells all the time, waiting for the next meltdown or argument but dont feel strong enough to leave. We rent and are both on the tenancy agreement. I guess you can just inform your landlord you/him have left? Not really sure how it works but I imagine womens aid or your local DA charity would know about these things.
I feel like KIP, scared of spending my life with him, getting old then having to rely on him. Hope you’re ok x

[Catjam]

I told mine I was done (detail removed by Moderator) after yet another lecture on how he has changed and how its me apparently even his doctor is trying to get him help and is struggling. I told him I deserved better and every attempt at making things right was all on his terms not mine. I told him I would rather be on my own then continue to be like this. Cue his tears and promises of more change.
I said due to a bereavement, the situation between us and the crazy hours I am working I am mentally and physically done. Apparently I have ignored his offers of help by constantly declining a coffee when he asked so now he no longer asks!! I just looked at him and thought to myself why have you stayed with him for so long? I know I shouldn’t have bitten but the rage is becoming a little much. I have applied for a house and as much as i long to stay here in this one if he wont go I have no choice.

[gettingtired]

Wow well done catjam. That’s great news. I hope I vet to that point soon. Have you been together for a long time? Are you over the feelings of missing him/cant bare to be without him? That’s what is stopping me currently. They love to lecture dont they. Mine goes on long winded rants at me, often late at night too. Telling me what I am, what I think, what I feel. They always say theyve improved when in reality they’ve gotten worse! Are they delusional? x

[Catjam]

Been with mine since I was a teenager, i am now reaching a big birthday so yes a very long time. I do still love him and I do battle with myself daily. I think if I could see into the future and we still stayed friends I would leave today but I know that’s an impossible dream.
I have been waking up for the past few years, finally reached out to my gp in the summer. Since then I have read everything I can that the ladies on here recommend plus by posting on here and being told I’m not being dramatic or stupid has helped enormously.
I am still struggling to reach a decision but getting stronger day by day.
I think we need to start valuing ourselves, your head is full of his voice. If something happens that I know will set him off my stomach churns and I get anxious and panic.
Have you done the freedom programme? That is brilliant for showing you how these men operate against men who treat people well.
Don’t put yourself down for not having the strength, I haven’t left yet but deep down I know I will and that is giving me the courage to believe in me.

[FacingRealityAtLast]

i think once i decided in my mind it was possible then started to face the practicalities i started to find courage n respect myself for it… gaining respect for self despite his brainwashing is key … because if i was firmer in my values i wdnt have fallen for him in the first place … so never too late to find the courage … day by day. Getting help to leave is my little secret which means he doesnt know everything .. He lies too .. to hurt me – that is disloyal. I lie to help me – that is loyalty. Keep faith in right direction – we will get to peace … or if not, as much peace as is possible in this life – which means getting out doesnt it?

[Anonymous]

Well I’m here at this stage questioning my sanity for tolerating for so long.I was a teenager getting involved with him ,my first boyfriend and didn’t know for a long time I was being manipulated.Ive been to hell and back with my children as bystanders to the abuse ,violence and chaos causing man but now (detail removed by Moderator) decades later he’s not been here for (detail removed by Moderator) and now hopefully forever!

[Author]

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