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    • #119000
      Candles
      Participant

      I’ve been married for (detail removed by Moderator) years to this man. Over the (detail removed by Moderator) years his control and monitoring on me has gradually got worse and tighter to the point now that apart from when I go to work (which he hates) I’m basically a prisoner in my own home. I can’t even open the front door without him knowing because he invested in a ring door bell so he can reign tighter control of my every movement or every visitor to my house when not in work.
      He’s frequently cruel to me with his words one minute then trying to be affectionate the next. I never know where I stand with him. He pressures me into having sex when I don’t want to – he basically won’t take his hands of me until I just give in and allow him to do it to me just so he’ll leave me alone. He frequently goes through my phone and I constantly have to account for my movements…I feel so drained, if I’m not highly anxious I’m low in mood. I don’t know my identity anymore. We have 3 children and thank god he’s never mean to me in front of them, and this too is the case in front of people he is a real nice guy. Like for example pre covid when friends were allowed to come round he was perfectly nice to them sat with them etc little do they realise that this was a strategy to control me and monitor the conversation.
      Despite all this I still feel some loyalty to him, I still care about him and I wouldn’t want to see anything hurt him. I want to leave, I want to find out who I am but I know he will never ever leave me alone, this guy has spend (detail removed by Moderator) years monitoring me daily after all. I get there are protection orders we can get but I do not want to report my kids dad to the police. I want to be able to ask him to leave and do the whole thing as reasonable adults. Did anyone manage to successfully do this and did they leave you alone. I feel very stuck right now.

    • #119001
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hello and welcome. Sadly they are not reasonable adults, never have been and never will be. If he’s controlling now you can bet when you try to separate his behaviour will go off the scale. Please get in touch with your local women’s aid. Take a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Your children will see and hear more than you think. His abuse will have a big influence on them, more than you know. Children from an abusive home are more likely to be abused in adulthood. Walking on eggshells, giving in to an abuser to keep the peace. It robs us of our self. Our world becomes smaller and smaller. Educate yourself on abusive and controlling behaviour. Talk to a solicitor to find out what your options are. Start keeping a secret journal and tell your GP. That’s important because you need the abuse noted somewhere official for evidence at a later date. Talk to woman’s aid. Don’t tell this man you want to separate. It’s the most dangerous time for a woman. Google the power and control wheel. The cycle of abuse. Get all your ducks in a row and don’t make the mistake of thinking he will ever be reasonable.

    • #119033
      Justholdingon
      Participant

      Is there any way that you can secretly store important documents at work? Build up a supply of them so when you are ready to go, you can.

      I posted most of my documents to my mum then when I was ready to go, I went and know I have lost the rest of my documents forever.

      I went to the council to ask them to get me out and he called to check where I was when I was there. The council lady saw the danger and arranged a place for me there and then.

      There’s some really helpful advice on the main women’s aid website. You don’t have to call the police, but he will never be reasonable enough to let you go.

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