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    • #61247
      Crest of a wave
      Participant

      I’m at a point were I can get out, I have been planning for months, but I am now questioning myself, feel anxious, feeling guilty that this will really upset him and make him really angry? I will have taken everything away from him
      I am wondering whether I can actually do it? Saying to myself I’ll try another time, and not upset the apple cart. But then the other side of me is saying if you don’t go now, when? Think about the stuff he’s done to you? I’m having a battle with myself.
      I don’t want to leave my lovely home but I know he will never leave
      I know that if I stay, it will be ok for a few days, but then it will start again the comments, the niggles, the questioning,possibly physical stuff
      I’m soo confused/conflicted

    • #61251
      Janedoeissad
      Participant

      In the days before I left I felt EXACTLY as you of now. All I can say is remember all the bad things he has done, think about every time you have used the phrase “I can not do this anymore, I hate this”.

      I was so anxious and so wound up when I left that I was ill after. It is very hard but I now feel the hardest things in life to do are ultimately the most rewarding. I do not regret leaving and neither will you….well, you will have the occasional wobble but on the whole you will not regret it.

      I had to leave a beautiful home which I miss terribly but I know there are another 100 beautiful homes out there and I just need to find it, once all my financial stuff has settled and I can afford it.

      I used to post on here every time I had a moment where I thought of staying, please do the same. Use everyone you can to motivate you to leave. I had friends texting me, the ladies on here supporting me and the lovely ladies at WA.

    • #61253
      Crest of a wave
      Participant

      Thankyou, I have planned this for months, but I don’t think that mentally I’m strong enough, haven’t had any professional support but haven’t asked for it thought I could handled it without it
      Feel like I will let everyone down if I don’t go when I planned it.
      My child has missed his dad, and can’t wait for him to get home, the emotional side of it all is too much

    • #61259
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s hard enough without support. You really need Women’s Aid backing you. Please contact them. Ultimately you may just have to take that leap of faith. There is lots of help available if you reach out x

    • #61269
      Confused-and-alone
      Participant

      I’m in the exact same position – I’ve planned leaving I have a place to go I should be all ready to do it but I keep changing my mind. The guilt about how he will take it makes me question whether or not I actually have the balls to go through with it even though I know I should and that I need to do it I don’t quite believe myself when I say I’m going to leave.

    • #61272
      Crest of a wave
      Participant

      Couldn’t do it, got a safe place to go, took stuff over, brought it back again. Thought I was mentally strong enough, but obviously not, had it all planned
      Just felt so mixed up, scared, guilty, upset, you name it. I think I need some professional help, thought could do it without it, thought I had got it sorted, but all I have done now is let people down who have supported me, upset them as they want me to go.
      I have read about people going to do it but can’t and don’t understand why, now I know.
      So many years of coaching and teaching by my abuser needs time to be unravelled mentally .
      I feel a failure that I could not do what I thought could be relatively simple, pack your bags and go

    • #61276
      Iwon
      Participant

      I read your post and realize I never would have had the nerve to leave as he had me so brain washed and terrified of what he would do. How he would survive. I was so confused and weak and my self esteem was so low I couldn’t have done it.

      I had started to set boundaries with him. Was saving money on quiet and he found out and told me it was over if I didn’t give him every penny. I refused so he said he wanted divorce. All empty threats. I took him up in it.

      You say you are not strong enough now but you will get weaker and more worn down. You gotta let go. Get all the help you can.

      You are concerned and worried about how he will cope. Does he care about you when he is putting you down and crushing your spirit. Think of your children.

      Don t think you are worth saving? Don t think you are worthy of a better life? If you can’t do it for yourself you are making a very clear choice for your children and there future.

      So in a few years when you visit your daughter and she is with some selfish bully with kids and you think how did she end up here? Take a look in the mirror.

      When you look at your son and he is terrorizing his wife and kids. When they are all walking on eggshells. When you look and see fear in his wives eyes and your grandchildren eyes. Look in the mirror. That’s what you choices caused.

      I send this letter with love as I have been where you are. It is harder but by not making a decision you are making the decision to give them th is future x

      You are the mom. The responsible parent. Please if you can’t take the leap for you take it for your child.

      My child loved and loved his dad but that is because he lives in peace and is relaxed with me. He has visitation with his daddy. The difference is I got him out earlier enough that he recognizes his dad’s home with his gf is the place he needs to be on gaurd, shut up and keep his feelings to himself.

      Sent with blessings. Remember ultimately it will take a lot more strength and courage to stay and submit to the abuse than to leave.

      The only difference is if you leave the rubbish ends and you will have a good life ahead. If you stay it remains harder and get harder. X

    • #61279
      Crest of a wave
      Participant

      The women’s aid number at the top of this website is that just for emergencies or is that for general help and to talk to someone?

      I hear what you are saying Iwon, and you are right, absolutely right.

      • #61288
        Lisa
        Main Moderator

        Hi Crest of a wave,

        The 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) is available as a listening service as well as to discuss options based on your circumstances. The Helpline Workers will not judge you, they will listen and talk things through with you. They can also signpost you to other useful organisations that can support you with emotional and practical help. It is a busy service but there is a voicemail available to request a call back at a safe and convenient time. Try to make the call when you can.

        Do not feel guilty for not leaving today, it takes a lot of courage to reach out for support and to leave. You are doing really well to make plans and to talk about what is happening.

        Keep posting to us when you can, we will be here for you every step of the way.

        Best wishes,

        Lisa

    • #61280
      Poodlepower
      Participant

      I’d known for a long term be that I had the leave him. Things he had done made it impossible for me to stay. Yet I put it off over and over.
      I didn’t make a plan. The last incident meant I had no choice but to go to the police and report him as it wasn’t safe for me to stay and I needed him out of my house. I don’t think I could have left him “in cold blood.” I did try to discuss separating with him but he refused to discuss it at all, getting abusive instead.

    • #61282
      Crest of a wave
      Participant

      I am kicking myself that I didn’t have the strength to do it. The time will come, and I don’t think anytime is right, but I got to start as someone said to me ‘ find your inner b***h ‘ and start thinking about yourself and child. Everyone is right but actually doing it is sooo different.
      People who haven’t been through it or going through it, can be really helpful and supportive but they don’t know what it’s like, but ultimately it’s only me that can make that move

    • #61285
      Poodlepower
      Participant

      I think it’s sometimes helpful to “step outside yourself” and think of yourself as someone you want to love and protect. Or look through your child’s eyes. My daughter is an adult now, but I would lie there thinking “she would be so hurt to see her mum being treated like this.” That helped too, knowing how distressed she would have been to see how I was being abused.

    • #61287
      Crest of a wave
      Participant

      Thankyou poodlepower, I think I need to really start to think about how I’m going to do this, and I mean really think about it instead of skirting round the edges. I hear what you are saying, if this was my friend going through this what would I say? I know what I would say but it’s hard to take your own advice that’s why I need to start seeking professional support which I have not done yet.
      Again is the number an emergency number or a general helpline?

    • #61293
      Sunflowersandstars
      Participant

      In my experience prolonging it makes it so much worse and one of my regrets- not getting out sooner especially when looking back there were lots of opportunities I was just terrified of the consequences for him. I shouldn’t have been, his actions were oitwith my control. He was choosing to do these things even knowing how much it upset me. I ended up going on break, then split but remain living together then moved out. As soon as I was out the hassle started and things haven’t ended well so I would advise getting out sooner rather than later. All my planning to try and keep things amicable didn’t work and they never would have regardless of my actions. Good luck- you got this.
      SaS

    • #61294
      Sunflowersandstars
      Participant

      Also I think the helpline covers both, someone correct me if I’m wrong but I think you can choose from options- emergency and general advice, although I would imagine in an emergency they would advise you to contact police.
      SaS

    • #61297

      Poodlepower, you don’t do it now and you stand the risk of losing your child.
      I am on the other end of this.
      I went through (Detail removed by Moderator) years of terror that I thought I would lose her.
      Now she is sleeping peacefully and so am I.
      Which one do you want.
      you do not want to lose your kids
      you will get all the help in the world if you make the move.
      you just need to make the move.
      your kids more important than you right now
      you are a grown up. they are kids and vulnerable.
      good luck, fellow warrior,
      see you on the other side..
      ftc
      x

    • #61298

      sorry I should have been addressing this post to crest of a wave, so sorry, got it wrong
      bit difficult at my end to know who is saying who, sorry. ftc.

    • #61299
      Iwon
      Participant

      Hi crest of a wave. I am sorry if I made you feel that you weren’t doing well. I took me years to leave because it takes so much energy just to survive when you are living with someone abusive. You are doing something I never did. Deep are thinking it thru, collecting information, speaking to professionals, getting free half hours from a wa approved solicitor. I give you that advice because it’s all the things I never knew about. I only left because the abuse was upping and getting worse and he was forced out. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I found out about all the help I could have got after. Treat this as an opportunity to collect information from the experts. Just one meeting with wa helped me. You Don t have to make a decision. Just collect information. Talk to people who will help your mind clear and see you are not trapped and there are options. X

    • #61319
      Crest of a wave
      Participant

      Iwon, you didn’t make me feel that I wasn’t doing well, I did that myself, so it’s ok

      I will give the womensaid number a call, and try to discuss things and get some clarity.

      Bit upset today as I actually feel worse than I did yesterday, but at least I can now realise it’s not as easier as I thought and need to build on that and make myself stronger with support.

    • #61322

      Well done for getting this far, so sorry if I sounded a bit brusque. It is not
      easy. Kindness to your self is the best motivator
      keep on keeping on..collecting info…
      ftc
      x

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