How do you get past the blame shifting?

[Dolly2019]

So after I kept a distance from the abuser for a few days (the (detail removed by moderator) is visiting and she hates him so I kept him away) and he has started up his campaign of insults.

Yesterday he (detail removed by moderator) and ranted at me in the road in front of traffic. Then 30 minutes later acted like it was nothing and I was overreacting.

Today after I went home from the school run and avoided him, I got a series of texts. How I have “used him” (he hasn’t worked the whole time we were together, he has lived off me and not bought a single thing in (detail removed by moderotr)). He said “you won’t keep doing this, humiliating me and snaking me, choosing other people over me…”

When I pointed out that it was his aberrant behaviour that made everyone in my life hate him, he said “I think your friends liked me a bit too much (detail removed by moderator)” making the point that he could have “f****d any one of them” if he felt like it.

He then said “you and (detail removed by moderator) him for them”, “left him out” and “you’ll see”.

By leaving him out, I have not had him at mine while she stayed for (detail removed by moderator). Before that he was on bail and wasn’t allowed here.

All the time, threats of “when I’m gone I’m gone” and using other women. “(detail removed by moderator) with them…” Always other women as the final threat.

Then to bait me about the disloyalty of my friends, like I’m trash. Saying I’m a tramp, they are tramps, that I’m a drunken s**g that “all the guys look at and think oh she’s easy…”

I am so used to the vulgarity of what he says, it almost washes off.

But what kind of person almost enjoys this spiteful level of sparring? Saying the most deeply hurtful things and then blaming the one person who keeps forgiving their disgusting behaviour?

Do they not see themselves as the problem, at all? I mean, isn’t it obvious if yo have been involved with the police, and your last gf dumped you because you were “a ****” to her, does that not tell them that they are the problem?

And the constant views and judgements about everyone in my life. My family “are all weirdos”. My friends “are all slags”. My job is “full of fake people”.

I’m a “s**g and a w***e and a dirty tramp who guys think is easy…”

How do they think this kind of language is even vaguely tolerable?

I am close to tears about what he said about my friends because yes, (detail removed by moderator) did hit on him in front of me. He plays a game. He draws them in, makes them the focal point so they go for more and try to elicit his interest more and then he enjoys the put down game of pushing them away and calling them “slags”. After hijacking the conversation for 45 minutes and doing all he can to “charm” them. It’s f****d up.

Then he calls them snakes and me “a mug” for “exposing” them and somehow I’m a mug for not jettisoning the friendship then and there. He leads them on, banters with them, and then labels them snakes and me the bigger fool for having them in my life.

What kind of f****d up person does that? And then enjoys rubbing my nose in their betrayal at his hands? I feel cheated by him and them. It adds to the feelings of worthlessness. As he said “they didn’t value your friendship enough not to snake you. They liked me a bit too much for that…”

It’s such a cruel thing to say. I really want to cry right now.

[KIP.]

You really need to report any breach of bail To the police and block this man on everything. He thrives on seeing you distressed. Playing mind games and it’s a game you won’t ever win. The only winning move is to block him completely. He’s not a friend and anyone who joins in his games of making you jealous is not a friend either.

[gettingtired]

I can totally relate to the insults of me and my friends. Mine calls one of my friends a crazy b***h and that that’s why I’m friends with her because I’m the same etc etc. Also, one of my parents who he knows I don’t have the best relationship gets called all the names under the sun when we argue, including him saying how useless this parent is and that I’m just like them etc. It’s soooo exhausting!!

[Dolly2019]

Yes I have had all of that. When one “s**t” friend was saying how lovely I was, he said “ahhhhhh she hasn’t seen the psychotic dark triad personality” like I was the most damaged human on the planet. He has called my mother every name and said “you’re just like her”. All my friends are “s***s” and if I go to any of them for any kind of moral support I’m “getting a n**********c fix as none of them know what you are really like…”

Except they do because they’ve known me since I was 9……

Coming from a guy who is singularly incapable of seeing the part he plays in his downward spiral of life and how no one has ever had a bad word to say about me until now.

Then because I never invited him out with my friends after a while, I was accused of “snaking” him and “planning to go out w*****g and snaking like the s**t that everyone knows you are” because I don’t want him around my life any more.

The night I went out with my Mother he accused me of cheating, even though I sent a voice message showing who I was with. No apology. He drew a blank but just laughed, like “oh I’ve got her on the run trying to justify herself to me”. Then the next day looking for more evidence of wrongdoing.

No apology whatsoever.

I am looking at what I type and wondering what the f**k I ever saw in this guy because he’s just HORRIBLE.

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