How do you get through before leaving

[iliketea]

Hi, I need some advice as I’m exhausted and my head is spinning and I’m finding it hard to function after yet another weekend of full on non-stop verbal and emotional abuse. His behaviour is definitely escalating, as they said it would, I don’t understand the psychology of it, I mean how do they know, he doesn’t know, he doesn’t think hes doing anything wrong, he says I’m the abuser… I am leaving, I’m seeing a solicitor this week. My mind is made up, I have zero doubts, I just want it to stop now for me and my children. BUT, how the hell do you survive the last few weeks? I don’t feel as if I’ve found any strength in my decision. Maybe because I don’t know the details until i see the solicitor. I don’t know if we’re going or if he’s going to go. I have no real idea of what is ahead. But I’m just not sure I’m going to be able to get through it as I feel so exhausted and cant seem to get my head straight anymore.

I tried to go through the recordings last night and label them but got severe shakes and was hyper ventilating and bawling my eyes out half way through and I couldn’t go on. This evening I tried to write down the day in my journal of evidence but I found it hard to recall everything. I feel like my brain is shutting down. I do have antidepressants from the GP but have never taken them as am scared of yet another level of something to have to deal with – if I have a bad reaction or if it makes me feel like a zombie. Can anyone suggest any other ways of surviving. I was running but I’m not a runner and have only done a couple of couch25kms and its not in my blood yet and without a group I just don’t go as there is always so much to do at home because he doesn’t do anything. I know I should go back to it but I’m so exhausted – and so the cycle goes….

Any advice on how to survive these last few weeks…? Thank you x

[fizzylem]

Have you got somewhere to go to ILT? Any friends and family if he refuses to leave? You sound like you are running at 100mphr in your mind. It’s great you’ve come to the realisation it’s over for you and now it needs to end. So, you will be getting legal advice, so that is in process, do you have a support worker from the loacl WA to help you with a leaving plan? Do you have any support from family and friends that is going to help?

It’s an anxious time leaving; but we can stop the over thinking, which is exhausting, be accepting we are where we are in the process; he is the way he is and I wont change this; I can see the patterns in his behaviour – identify the abuse and the manipulation tactics – see them for what they are.

Of course you are battling with healthy fear too, the fight, flight or freeze response. So taking steps to help you feel safe will help here, this you can do with a plan. You can always call the helpline for help with this too x

[iliketea]

Hi, no nowhere to go. I tried to rent somewhere recently but I don’t have a job so they wouldn’t take me even though I had a guarantor. I’m applying for jobs so should be fine but not sure I can make so many changes all at once. New life, new job, new home.
I don’t have any family unflavoured have become very isolated from friends. A fewjnow but they have their own children and would t have me. One has offered me their place for 2 weeks when they’re away so I thought that could be the exit. He hasn’t let me drive for years so I don’t have a car and feel nervous behind the wheel so would have to go miles on the train.
I had a really horrible experience with the helpline over Christmas and haven’t called them again. The woman told me I would be accused of child abuse if I didn’t remove my children ASAP from the home. It really scares me. I called the local domestic abuse agency and they said she was wrong. Yes I have an IDVA but she’s never available, often cancels and I see her about once a month if I’m lucky. I’m having counselling but it stops next week, was only funded for a short tim. I own a small buy to let flat which has a long term tenant in it and so I don’t qualify for any help and according to IDVA won’t get legal and either. So probably facing having to go through a property sale too if I can’t stay in family home. I have young kids.

[KIP.]

Have you considered showing the recordings to the police and having the police remove him. That’s what happened to me. It was the final straw but it kept me in the family home. He was arrested and given bail conditions. The police have access to other resources too. Speak to the domestic abuse unit. Your anxiety will be raised too as you anticipate what’s yet to come. It sounds like you’re traumatised and listening to the recordings will re traumatise you. He absolutely knows what he’s doing is wrong. He abuses you when there are no witnesses to he knows it’s wrong and chooses the timing so he’s in perfect control. He just enjoys seeing you distraught. It makes him feel big. Can you go into a refuge with the kids for a few weeks. Once in a refuge there’s access again to more resources and the council have a duty to rehome victims of domestic abuse.

[Anonymous]

I agree with Kit. I don’t have kids and the house was mine, but he refused to leave. I made a recording of the last assault on me and made a statement, unlike all the other times. His bail conditions were that he couldn’t contact me or come to the house and when he was convicted, a restraining order was granted. In practical terms, it’s probably the easiest way for you. Emotionally, it will be hard either way, but you’ve come this far, so don’t give up. Keep posting too. I don’t think I could ever have got free without this forum x

[iliketea]

Hi he hasn’t assaulted me though, the recordings are of horrible verbal/emotional abuse. He doesn’t really swear either, he’s very careful and controlled. That’s always a big thing, he pushes and pushes and me and then I crack and swear and then he’s vindicated, and goes on and on and on about it.

The main thing that is scaring me is that a couple of times over the last decade I have slapped him. it was when I was pregnant and he was haranguing me in my face and goading me and telling me to hit him and then when I wouldn’t he started hitting himself and I slapped him. I think out of fear, to stop him because it was like he was crazy. Recently he started talking about it in these crazy arguments he makes and when I protested he started chucking water at me, hot dishwater, glasses left on the table.. At the same time I started understanding what this was and so I stopped protesting and engaging most of the time. He then said that because he’d done that it had stopped me hitting him. Totally vindicated. I have a recording of him totally justifying it and documenting it. It was so mad. More recently something terrible happened and he just started on at me and blocked me in from leaving a room, I tried to get out and he wouldn’t move, so I spat at him. No idea why, it came out of nowhere. He has now got that on me too.

Can I really call the domestic Abuse unit at the police? My IDVA is so weird about me contacting any other agencies and has never told me I can do this. The other day when I tried to speak to her she texted me back and said go stay with a friend – an option I don’t have.

[KIP.]

Absolutely ring 101 and speak to the domestic abuse police. If you don’t want to give your name you can ring them and ask for advice. At least to let them know you’re leaving and are at much higher risk. They can put a police marker on your home and phone number and your IDVA should be helping you with this. What you have explained makes total sense to me but just give them the recording where he is abusive and don’t mention how you retaliated. Emphasise that you’re absolutely terrified of him and fear for your life’s d how you feel trapped. They may be able to ask him to leave the property. I’ve heard this before and at the very least you have reported the abuse. Make sure your GP has it recorded too. This will be really helpful if anything goes to court as it’s written evidence.

[iliketea]

Thanks KIP, my worry is that if i call the police he might be cautioned only and then allowed back into the home. Or arrested and then let back as he says sorry and he’ll change his ways…He is very convincing and comes from a country where everyone loves them, if you know what I mean, laid back, friendly, jokey, he’s not big, he doesn’t look threatening. I don’t think they’ll believe me. Or even if they do, he’ll be more convincing because Im now so short of sleep, and on edge, nerves are shredded and I’m a wreck. Also, I just cant understand, I thought the law had changed, I thought domestic abuse was a crime? So I dont understand why its in the family court and theres a lottery (and very little chance of getting) legal aid. I dont understand then how the police could arrest him, or do you mean if he’s actually physically assaulted me?
I don’t want to leave the family home right now, I need some months to get sorted, get a job, get my head together. I don’t want to flee to a hostel only to have to come back to him. For my sake and the childrens I think I need to try and keep things even as much as possible, especially for my older one who is particularly vulnerable to whats happening right now. When it ends I want it to end for good. I dont see myself as someone who will go back to it. He has put me through so much psychologically that I could never forgive him. I want him to leave and hoping after seeing the solicitor this could be the plan.

GP knows and I’m going back this week – she first identified it nearly a year ago and referred me to domestic abuse support. The IDVA said the police have put a marker on my phone as I have been assessed as high risk – but that is all she has done and said about the police. I just wonder if calling them will do anything, I’ve heard stories where they don’t help and then if that’s the case, he’ll know and i think then be even worse at home. Does it make sense what I’m saying, i don’t even know anymore. I just want a clean clear end to it, one day for him to get given the Occupation Order and non-molestation order, we’ll have left the house for a week, he clears his few belongings from the house and then leaves. Is this too hopeful?

[KIP.]

I’d ring them anyway and ask. You have nothing to lose. Tell them your concern is they allow him back and things escalate. Sounds like he using threatening behaviour which is a crime. Putting you in a state of fear and distress. Coercive control and abusing you in front of children. It all depends on the evidence you have. As I said I let the police hear the recording and another person was a witness too. In a strange way I’m glad he assaulted me as it gave me the push I needed but you don’t have to wait to be assaulted. Yes your head will be foggy with the effect of the abuse so lean on the professionals x

[fizzylem]

Have you read anything on going grey rock? It sounds like you would feel better if he didnt have the ability to antagonise you ILT. I totally get how it gets to a person and how we fight back sometimes, highly likely he will use this against you now though isn’t it, can see why you fear how this could be perceived. Will be your word against his – so, I would only show/talk about what is evidenced because the rest is just he says she says.

The priorty here is making it stop and finding a place of safety isn’t it.

Giving your tennant notice may be an option? If he doesn’t go then could you stay in refuge until the tennant leaves? x

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