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    • #119239
      lovelifefreely
      Participant

      I feel so distracted and consumed by how is it going to end, I can’t concentrate, he’s not bad really he can be supportive of my independence, he wants me to improve for my own sake, I just get frustrated at not really improving, and the drama goes round in circles in my head. Are there any tips anyone might have regarding learning how to not get exhausted and developing some clarity and some mental resistance to the insults and feelings of inadequacy please? We are stuck in a cycle and I can’t see clearly around a solution I can live with thanks for listening it helps x

    • #119244
      lovelifefreely
      Participant

      In the short time since I rushed to put up my last post about ten mins I’ve been insulted about 5 times, for almost nothing, it apparently just normal language, but it’s wearing me very thin, in addition he has a go at me for not increasing my sense of self worth etc a contradiction, but no matter what I say I look like the stupid one x

    • #119251
      Hetty
      Participant

      I wish I could say you can stay and become resilient but it’s not the way. We can never thrive or even just get by living with abuse. The only way is out. In the meantime, educate yourself about domestic abuse. I used to let my ex’s words wash over me like water off a ducks back but it was very hard. Most of the time he was still wounding me despite me telling myself what he was saying wasn’t true, was projection etc. Focus your energy on getting out/away if that’s what you want. I reached out to my domestic abuse service and then started planning my exit. I think used to mediate and kept a low profile while still living with him. I stopped planning family days etc with the hope they’d be pleasant because he ALWAYS ruined them. Only now I’m out am I really seeing the true extent of the emotional harm. Keep posting. You’re not alone xx

    • #119253
      Empoweredhealing
      Participant

      Most survivors attempt to cope with the abuse by “increasing their mental resistance”, improving themselves etc… In trying to not let abuse affect them, they use their strength against themselves. The abuser uses his strength to increase the abuse. That’s why abuse always get worse over time.
      There is no way to cope with something that fundamentally kills your spirit. This is the tragedy that we all have to face. At some point, you’ll have to choose either yourself or the relationship.
      Please use your strength on yourself by reading, mediating, journalling, walking and surrounding yourself with rational/compassionate voices.

    • #119254
      Eggshells
      Participant

      I’m afraid that there is no way except to leave. My ex was also very supportive of my “self improvement”. My guess is that he wants a trophy wife, perhaps very beautiful (even if you don’t think so, others will) take care of your appearance, possibly younger than him (if you are he’ll make sure every one knows it). All he needs now is for you to gain something that he would see as improving your status and thereby his status.

      He wants the world to see a confident, beautiful wife whilst making sure that he remains in control of you. He must be such a great guy to get a woman like that. Am I close to the truth at all?

    • #119261
      gettingtired
      Participant

      It’s true that leaving is the best option. It’s no way to live having to duck and dive from verbal attacks forever. The cycle won’t stop. Have you googled the cycle of abuse and the power and control wheel? I listen to Dr Ramani’s youtube videos on (detail removed by moderator) abuse too which I find helps.
      I think short term it’s ok to find ways to build yourself up which is what I’m trying to do at the moment but it’s not a long term solution. Hope you’re doing ok after earlier, please keep posting xx

    • #119266
      lovelifefreely
      Participant

      Than you all so much for your support and advice, I’m just really struggling and feel completely alone in trying to understand it all. He insists I am immature and not grown up enough, there is some truth to this but his goal is to get me to be happy according to what I say which is lose weight, but I’m not good at it, and to be treated better in life, but he says (detail removed by moderator) but I really don’t like his methods, and the more I protest the worse it is, because he is convinced that if I face my fear I will improve. Thanks for listening and your posts give me strength xx

    • #119267
      Hetty
      Participant

      Lies, lies and more lies. I can guarantee that people don’t think (detail removed by moderator). These men say these things to keep us dependent and hooked on the scraps of love they throw our way. My ex would say how no one cares about me, only him blah blah blah. That I couldn’t cope with life. Despite me coping before he came along. Take a good look around you and look for the real evidence of what he’s saying. Think about life before him if you can.
      I know people probably thought I was being prickly when in fact I was in a hyper vigilant state and would avoid certain topics like “how are things with your husband? What you been doing in the holidays?” Only a year into our relationship, which I’m sad to say went on many many more, a friend came out with me for birthday drinks. I didn’t see her often but she’d commented that I didn’t seem myself. This was the start of me slowly becoming disconnected from my true self.
      She was actually very observant and noticed things I hadn’t even noticed. Abuse robs us of so many things. We can’t breath let alone flourish in these relationships. Xx

    • #119268
      Hetty
      Participant

      As another woman often posts on here “they push us off a cliff and run to the bottom to rescue us”. Take note, a lot of what he says is probably a reflection of himself not you. You’re not alone xx

    • #119272
      lovelifefreely
      Participant

      Thank you Hetty, I need to keep hearing this till it sinks in, I ve had a bad night,sat in the dark waiting for permission to go to bed, was told to be quiet then repeatedly engaged to talk then told (detail removed by moderator), can’t even do that right. But then he can be amazing too. X

    • #119273
      lovelifefreely
      Participant

      (detail removed by moderator), not even sure what stops me, though I’m afraid for my lived one x

    • #119275
      Hetty
      Participant

      He’s not amazing. Nothing about this is amazing. If he was truly amazing you wouldn’t be feeling as you do, you wouldn’t be on this forum. I know what it feels like to live like you are. This doesn’t have to be your life. Please, if by ending it all, you mean you’re having suicidal thoughts (I’ve been there), reach out for support. Speak to your gp or a trusted friend or family member.
      This man will continue to destroy your mental health. Think of him as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Sure there were times my ex would be nice but he was only doing what any normal person should be doing all of the time. The price to pay for the few good times weren’t worth it. It didn’t change the fact my ex was a misogynistic man and a bully. You’re not alone. Try and gain some strength to think through options. There’s always a way out but first we have to be prepared to accept things will never change. We have to choose ourselves xx

    • #119279
      lovelifefreely
      Participant

      Thank you Hetty, I just keep thinking it will get better once I’ve grown as a person, have less fears and anxiety towards him and he says it will improve, I don’t think I can face being alone without him even if there was a safe escape, I just wish this wasn’t happening. I don’t trust he won’t find out, it’s scary enough being on here, it’s a risk, he has a far reach. But I know he won’t truly harm me, just this daily living is a bit debilitating. I appreciate your time, thank you for your support, I’m alone in this, even his family thinks I’m the unusual one, though they hate his behaviour and get scared too. X

    • #119281
      Eggshells
      Participant

      You will grow as a person but not until you are away from him. Then you will grow into the person you want to be. It took me decades to realise I had to leave so I’m not young anymore but I’ve grown more in the last year than I did during all of my adult life with him. The more you understand about abuse, the more you eill begin to gain the confidence that you can live and positively thrive without him. Are you able to download books to a device that won’t be searched?

    • #119296
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      Hi @lovelifefreely,

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this, that he’s subjecting you to this abuse. You recognize that his behaviour is debilitating and that you are in fear of him, that it doesn’t feel safe to escape. He is already harming you, destroying your confidence and sense of self. This is how abusers control us. My abuser did the same; if I just changed this or that about myself and followed his “advice” all would be well in our relationship. I turned myself inside out for that man but nothing made any difference, no matter what you do or dont do he will keep moving the goalposts. His aim is not to help or improve you, it is to destroy you. To make you submissive to him. To feel you couldn’t cope without him. Abusers can only feel secure when we are insecure. This is not love, it is power and control.

      I know how scary he is but he is not the godlike creature he has made you believe he is. He does not want what’s best for you. You dont deserve this situation but can escape it. Keep posting and educating yourself. Abuse switches off the creative part of our brains so we lose the ability to imagine a life beyond our current situation. There is a brighter life beyond this for you xx

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