How do you help your children to heal?

[iliketea]

Hi, I left a while ago, keeping it vague because of identity.

First contact has happened. I the run up to it the older one was getting more and more anxious, started talking about the abuse (verbal/emotional) and ex’s anger towards me for the first time. He did also say that he shouted at him and he was scared he was going to get cross with him. He’s not at high school yet so still young. Do I talk about the contact? I’m not interested in my ex at all so don’t want to ask questions but I guess they’ll want to talk about it. And how do you talk about someone who has treated you so badly? I feel weird saying “And how was daddy?” When that is just the normal thing to say if they’ve had a play date anywhere else…

Has anyone got any suggestions for helping them to heal? I know school do Thrive programme but apart from that has anyone tried one-to-one or play therapy? The local centre for this is closed because of Covid but there are individuals who run play therapy. Just wondering about the benefits? Or does it mark them out, that they are doing something special, will they blame themselves for the abuse? Or think they’re in trouble? Or have problems?

What about much younger children, do they need help too?

Or is there anything online, any courses I can do to help them? Books to read? I have “When Dad Hurts Mom” and its really good, long and full of information, and the one from TRC Betsy de Thierry which is simple and short and really good too, but feel I need something in between. More guidance, and what to do if this happens, how to speak to them, how to be?

I should probably know as I’m their mum but I am finding some of their behaviours triggering as they’re very similar to his, silent treatment, not replying, telling me to do things, get things… I’m trying to be good with routine and boundaries as it seems to go smoother when they know where they are and what they’re doing. But the older one is very anxious and seems to need every day mapped out, every hour, what are we doing when sort of thing. And he’s also having massive tantrums when he doesn’t get his own way. He makes up scenarios that we’re doing something, or I’m going to get him something, I don’t agree to this but he thinks because he’s said it its happening, and then when it doesn’t its a meltdown like a toddler! Its back to the power and control of his dad I think…or at least that’s what it feels like and I’m sure there must be a lot of learned behaviours. How do you handle it though?

Any ideas? Struggling a bit here, have no family, and few friends left so feeling very isolated with this now its the new norm. And for now, its just me, trying to do the best for them.
Thank you. xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi iliketea. My child too has just had first child contact with his Dad so I’m having a lot of same thoughts/questions as you.

I’m still waiting for the counselling my IDVA arranged for my child. And worryingly, I’ve noticed a little bit of bullying behaviour from them on me and meltdowns (like you) but I’m nipping it in the bud. I know it’s a terribly unsettling time for them but my thoughts are I’m not doing them any favours accepting that behaviour from them. I’m not getting cross but I’m talking the behaviour through with them, why it isn’t acceptable, talking about how they make choices of how to behave and those choices have outcomes/consequences. My child is old enough to understand these chats and often seems to feel a lot better after. Interesting to note, they have only behaved like that since my ex is gone. Is this the same for you? I wonder why it is? And I wonder if I’m doing the right things….

The school also offered support but as we’re still on holiday, I’ll have to wait to access that in September so I can’t give any advice there….

Following contact, I’ve just tried to have a normal conversation about seeing paternal family as I don’t want my child to feel awkward talking to me about it. but I do feel my ex has fed them info to get back to me about how wonderful his life is now. If I wasn’t a lady I’d have some choice words about that! My child enjoyed the contact and wants it to continue. So I’m just going to monitor it. There’s nothing formal in place as yet. Another worry and thing to sort out.

I’ve only read the books you kindly recommended to me iliketea so can’t advise any further.

Feeling my response is a little bit useless on the advice side but wanted you to know I’m in the same boat. We’re doing the best we can.

Hope you’re doing well x*x

[iliketea]

@Lifebegins, thanks a lot, it really helped to hear you’re experiencing the same. If you know what I mean! My IDVA is on holiday but I’ll ask about counselling for children. She hasnt mentioned anything about the afterwards.
Tired, will write tomorrow, but thanks a lot for your reply.x

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