How do you keep it a secret.

[LookingForAnswers]

Hi everyone, this is my first post, so please bear with me.

I am slowly coming to terms of the emotional abuse and coercive control my husband has over me.i have phoned women’s aid, and they have put me in touch with my local team. When I phoned them we talked about my situation. I haven’t asked to be referred yet, but think I will be doing this soon. The more I read on here the more I see what he is doing. I think to get out of this relationship I need to leave, I don’t think he will.

Now my question, how do you keep it secret that you are planning on leaving? We have three children and the thought of packing for them without my husband knowing feels impossible.

Thank you for any help you can offer.

[Janedoeissad]

I don’t have kids but keeping it a secret is hard. Especially if he insists on truth 100% of the time like my Ex did. My Ex would notice the slightest wobble and say “whats wrong with you!”. So I learnt to keep things EXACTLY as they always were despite knowing I was leaving,

You will find little bits of time here and there when you can pack though (it might literally only be 5 minutes). Whenever I found a minutes worth of time he wasn’t there, I was organising and packing.

I picked out clothes I didn’t always wear and packed those rather than clothes he would notice missing. Maybe you could do the same for the children?

Sorry I can not help anymore than that, it is just about planning ahead. Listening to everything he is planning for his day.

[Itwastimetostopit]

Do you have any family or friends that you could take clothes etc there?

I sorted all necessary paperwork birth certificates etc into a folder so that I could just take it.

I was like you thinking I’d have to go but events spiralled and he’s gone.

Get the support from services. I couldn’t of done it without

[Lisa]

Hi LookingForAnswers,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

Once you are in touch with the local service, they should help you with a safety plan. They will want to ensure you are able to leave and more importantly being able to leave safely.

It is also important to look after your emotional needs during all this, hopefully the local service can also support with this.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes

Lisa

[freedomtochoose]

You just don’t tell him
ftc

[LookingForAnswers]

Thank you,
I think I will be phoning them tomorrow morning. My husband was talking to one of our children and basically down playing when he gets angry and I’m sat here thinking I can’t do this anymore.I need to get my kids away from the influence.

I shall grab our birth certificates and see if I can pack a small bag of basics. I don’t really have anyone to give it too that isn’t friends with both of us. I think I can put it into the bottom of my wardrobe, we have one each.

I’m so annoyed that I let this happen and what I’m going to be putting my kids through. I was told it’s not my fault, but as I write this I feel putting them into this situation is my fault.

[maddog]

Don’t tell him and don’t tell the kids. This is not your fault. You are a witness to someone else’s appalling behaviour. I am still not safely away despite police involvement. He refuses to move. You are allowed to keep safe your & your children’s important documents. My ex hid them from me and hid keys.

Keep a diary. Write emails to yourself. I’ve found the video recorder on my phone better than the voice recorder for picking up voices. You probably won’t be using it to pick up the images so arm waving and a good picture won’t matter.

If you are afraid but not in immediate danger, call the police on 101. Obviously dial 999 if it is out of control.

If you are unable to get all the certificates with you (including marriage certificate), they are replaceable. I’m not sure what the costs are, but it’s not the end of the world. Passports are expensive, so make sure you have them. My ex hid my children’s from me.

Also, bit by bit. Put your precious things away as well. That may be photographs or particular bits of jewellery. Remember that things always need to be cleaned/mended/sold.

[LookingForAnswers]

I rang this morning to be referred.
I don’t think I have been this scared about ringing a number, but now after a good talk I feel calmer and strangely in control of things.

Now I’m not sure how I feel now, scared, confused, guilty.

I keep going through in my head how I would leave, what he will say/do to me. What I might say to my mum, and friends. What he will say to other people.

[maddog]

Well done! It’s a rocky road but passable. I am reeling by what appalling taste in women my ex has! The things he has called me and the things he has said about the first wife are truly shocking.

[freedomtochoose]

Well done.
I’m sure women’s aid will tell you that I’m afraid you can’t tell your mum or the kids.
Reasons being that either of these could by mistake let something slip out, it is a hard
secret to be keeping.

As far as getting away is concerned, I told my child that we were going to the dentist (which is what I told the school) it was near the end of term. And instead of going to the dentist we went to the train station instead.

You are doing really well.
ftc
x

[Iwon]

Hi hun my thoughts are with you. Why do us lovely women beat ourselves up and blame ourselves for someone’s inappropriate abusive behaviour.

I left my abusive ex years ago. I read a post on a website the other day.this woman had written about there being no way out she knew she was trapped forever in this horrible marriage.having all her wages and savings taken off her. This woman and her son were starved by the husband when he was having a bad day.

I got a real odd familiar feeling when I read it. I checked the posters name and it was my post.

I had written it years ago. 2 weeks before the marriage ended. Remember hun. No guilt. You did nothing wrong. He did.

I got my son out at a relatively young age. I am so greatful for that now looking back. There was no full on violence in my marriage. Insults rants raged threats blocked in rooms but I knew the violence was coming towards the end.

I went to the go in the end to get a sick note as o had been signed off work with the stress of dealing with his abuse. She said he had to move out in 2 days or she would call as because she was concerned for our safety. He moved out. We sold the house and I divorced him.

I was a broken frightened she’ll of a woman towards to end. If I can do it anyone can.

My ex used to tell me he would destroy me if marriage ended. He would have my child taken away. He would leave me homeless bankrupt etc etc.

Get your key paperwork together. Keep quiet. Be subservient. Make his dinner. Be nice. And behind his back plan. Can you have him removed. Record his abuse on your phone. Verbal and emotional abuse is now a crime in the UK.

Is there one person you can talk to for support who is out of your circle and can be trusted. Could you get a case worker with wa.

Remember your first and only priority is you and your children’s safety and well being. There is a better life ahead I promise.

There has to be a better life ahead my love because look what your life is like now. You may be minimising the abuse now to survive.

One more bit of advice I wish someone had given me. Get a solicitor when you are settled with kids thru wa. They understand domestic abuse and will save you a lot of time and money x

[Iwon]

Just wanted to add we now own our old home. We have a lovely peaceful life. My son is doing well at school and I am getting married this year to my dream man who is kind loving supportive and great fun. You deserve better because we all do x

[LookingForAnswers]

Thank you all, it’s been a busy weekend. Went out (Detail removed by Moderator) as a family and husband and middle child clashed. As it was calming down my husband was sating to our child ‘when u act up like that your making me out like a monster, everyone is looking at me and thinking I’m horrible.’
went out (Detail removed by Moderator) just me and the kids and it was so much calmer. Before I would of put it down to something else but now I see its because of my husband.

I have though about trying to record stuff. How do you do it without him catching on?

I’m hoping to have a wa support working within 2-4weeks so hoping to hold out until then.

Reading stories on here has helped to back up what I feel but in a strange way makes me sad with what is in mine and my children’s future. We are in a good phase and I don’t want to dwell on the bad stuff, but I think that will give me the strength to plan and go ahead with Amy plans I make.

[Author]

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