This topic contains 8 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  Braelynn 3 weeks, 5 days ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #102069
     Bumblebee3 
    Participant

    Hi,
    Looking for some advice, help or inspiration!
    How did you leave, when you are still in love with them?
    Ive posted before and found lots of insight that I’m not the only one going through emotional abuse and other people can relate what I’m going through.
    I feel the one factor that is stopping me from walking away is that I still love my husband.
    I still fancy him and on the good days still enjoy being around him…….. but these “good” days are getting less and less.
    how have you all moved on knowing that your future will be without them in your life?

    Maybe the answer to this question doesn’t exist but worth a try!

  • #102070
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I think when you realise that no amount of loving him will stop him abusing you. And also these men don’t love us, love doesn’t hurt and I don’t want to be with someone who pretends to love me. You’re absolutely right about the good days getting less and less. The more comfortable and in control he feels the less he needs to make an effort to keep you hooked in. Until the day comes where it’s constant abuse or he just finds a new source for his abusive behaviour. Only you can decide how much abuse you take before your enough is enough moment x

  • #102083
     HopeLifeJoy 
    Participant

    You love yourself more. Turn all the love you hold for him towards yourself. It is quite a challenge to rewire your brain, it demands constant focus but with time you will get into the habit of taking care of yourself and slowly he will drift into the back ground of your life until one day you see he actually doesn’t approve of you taking care of yourself. Then you fully choose yourself. And the bond is broken.
    One survivor on here had an excellent quote; you can love him and you can leave him.
    Take care 💕

  • #102382
     Scottish Thistle 
    Participant

    When I left my husband I still loved him and in a mad sense after everything I still do but not in the same way as I fell in love with him – if that makes sense. I had said to him several times in the past when he went to cause an argument that I wouldn’t always be there but never took it on board as whenever we had fallen out, stopped talking for a few days etc I always went back he knew what buttons to press. The night I left I had no intention of leaving him was just going to put up with it and give him a few days to calm down, but when I got home after work after yet again more humiliation on Facebook, threatening and abusive messages there was a threatening note on the livingroom door, I knew then that I couldn’t do this anymore, so I panicked got some clothes in a bag snuck into our room while he was sleeping grabbed my passport (of all things!) and left. He woke up a while after and the threats and abuse started on texts. That was the last time we have been in the same room together

  • #102396
     Bumblebee3 
    Participant

    Thank you.
    Your help, advise and stories are making a huge difference to me at the moment.
    Finally I don’t feel so confused.
    I’ve downloaded the book why does he do that, and even though I just thought this behaviour was just him being him, I understand that there’s a pattern to this behaviour that isn’t going to improve/ disappear/ vanish/ change or alter in the slightest.
    Reading it in a book is still hard to digest knowing that your husband treats you in a way that make you unhappy.
    Time to focus on a better future.

  • #102398
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    When you realise that the man you fell in love with wasn’t real. He wore that persona as a mask. The nasty abusive man you used to get glimpses of, who was then replaced by the lovely man you fell for, was him testing the waters, seeing how far he could push you, bend you, mould you, strip you of your integrity, your self esteem, your boundaries. Now he only appears when he realises he’s pushed you too far, but only fir shorter and shorter periods. You’re in the right place. Amongst all the doubt,we know we can’t fix them, yet still we try, then one day we just wake up, and know that we’re done, and no matter how long it takes, we know we’ll be okay, we will get through this. Sometimes we have to pull on our big girls pants, other times lean on those who are just here to lend an ear, a kind word. Together we get through the worst time, the worst thing that could ever happen to us. We get through because we are women, stronger than we realise. Welcome to the forum, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll be sad, but most of all, you’ll be safe.
    Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

  • #102431
     Fudgecake 
    Participant

    This is the predicament that we all find ourselves in at some point in an abusive relationship and it’s a contributing reason as to why so many of us stay too long or perhaps never leave. We don’t leave because we’ve stopped loving them, we leave to survive and salvage what is left of us as an individual. I agree with the answers to previous responses to this question. He never loved us, the person we thought he was doesn’t exist, love doesn’t hurt and so many other valid points. But even now I still love the man I thought he was, the idea and the dream he sold me, and I bought it hook, line and sinker. Throw in the effect of trauma bonding and you have got a potent cocktail of emotions to deal with when a) thinking of leaving b) actually leaving and c) in the aftermath.

    I haven’t seen or spoken to my abuser in a long time now but I still wouldn’t trust myself if contact were to resume. He could just mesmerise me back into submission and have me under his controlling ways within the hour and I hate myself for it. It’s not love but it sure feels like it!

  • #103061
     Quietgirraffe 
    Participant

    I don’t really have an answer on how to sort out those conflicting feelings, but wanted to share some love for this post. Like you, bumblebee3, I am still very much in the throes of trying to sort out my intense feelings for my ex, even though I’ve already left him. It took me getting so scared of my partner and feeling so oppressed that i was like a prey running from a predator for me to find the strength to leave. I couldn’t do it until something scared me so much that it completely overwhelmed any feelings of love i had. That, and being in almost constant contact via text with someone who had my best interests in mind when thing were getting scary with my partner. If you have someone who can be there for you to bounce your feelings off of, and to be a part of your safety plan for leaving, that might also help you find the resolve to leave. I’ve also heard women talk about having a moment where something just “clicks” in the brain while their partner is doing something terrible, and that “click” suddenly shifts everything to where the need to get out of the relationship overwhelms everything. I had to wait for that moment before I had the strength to leave. And even once you do leave, it is very easy to let those feelings of love creep back in, and your mind might focus on the memories of the good times and you think you want to go back to him. I’ve certainly experienced that. Seems like sometimes even when we think we’ve found our resolve, we suddenly can find ouselves sliding back into confusion. But I think sharing your thoughts and hearing the feelings of so many other women goes very far, reminds us that we are not alone. Really appreciating hearing about how everyone has handled their experience with these conflicting feelings 💗

  • #103062
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    With me, I had to realize I fell in love with the “charmer” side, who lovebombed me. That was the person I had a hard time leaving but it wasn’t real. It was an illusion. The persuasion, their look, all the bells and whistles….they know how to work it. I tried to rationalize and finally just ran out of road and said Lookit! Look at the consistency of his inconsistencies. Do you love that? I could still love and care about him as a person but realize I was addicted to how much pain his charm cost me. Once I merged the really good times with the bad and did a realistic tally, there were wayyyy too many bad times. Just remember Ted Bundy was attractive, very charming, bright, funny,even worked as a counselor at one point but he was a monster. Truth spoken enough in our brains will have right feelings that follow eventually. We can get off their drug. Trouble is – he left “you”.

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

EXIT SITE

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account