How do you leave without guilt?

[Loopy2]

Hi.  I have known by relations is over for, lets just say a long time.  I have been miserable.  Long story short – I didn’t know I was a victim of domestic abuse until a few months ago.  I though DA was physical but I didn’t know living with emotional, n**********c and coercive behaviour was DA.  It all clicked in to place.  Me and the kids are always walking on egg shells, not knowing what mood he’s in.

I have been ready to leave for quite a while but whenever things haven’t gone his way in the past, he has walked out and when he has come home, he has shown me a knife and said he was going to kill himself.  This is obviously the reason I have stayed but I really have had enough now and it’s been a few years now.

How do you leave without feeling guilty?  Not just because I’m scared he’ll kill himself but because I worry about where he’ll go, what he’ll do, how he’ll cope etc?

He hasn’t worked for about (detail removed by moderator) because he made out originally that I couldn’t cope with the kids so he game up work to look after them and I went back to work.  Then my health deteriorated and I am now struggling, working from home while he tells everyone he is my carer and does nothing.

So, he has no job, does nothing all day so he will struggle to work. (detail removed by moderator)  He’s been sat on his bum for years so how he’ll manage when he does get a place on his own, I don’t know.

The worst thing is, why the heck am I feeling guilty?  He has made me so miserable for years.  I really don’t like being near him.  I have always been an empath but in this instance, I really wish I wasn’t.

How do we leave?  Please advise.  Thank you.

[Lisa]

Hi Loopy2,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Its really difficult to navigate those feelings of guilt- especially if he has held threats of suicide over your head. You mentioned how you also worry about where he will go, what he will do. It says a lot about your character and that you are thinking this decision through- but it may be worth considering if he deserves that compassion from you and what you deserve- what is best for you. You are not responsible for him or his behaviour.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[gettingtired]

Oh gosh, my ex used to do this (he’d pull out a knife and go on a big, long winded rant about how he was going to kill himself etc). It was all so distressing even though I didn’t actually think he would really do it, I still felt quite threatened by his behaviour. Like yours, mine also didn’t work and would slob around all day whilst I worked and paid my way. I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this but so happy to read that you are planning to leave! Life is so much better without these energy vampires! I understand your worry about feeling guilty, I did for years and it held me back from leaving for sooo long. For me, when I left my ex constantly threatened suicide so I had no choice but to keep calling the police and letting them deal with him (doing welfare checks on him). Eventually his harassment led to him being arrested and explicitly told to stop contacting me. I blocked him on everything and still get the odd email but he finally seems to have given up. I think whenever you feel guilty, you need to remind yourself that you don’t deserve to be treated this way and try to show yourself some self-compassion. Think about how you would treat a friend or family member who was in your situation. I’m sure you would be very kind and tell them they had absolutely no need to feel guilty. Of course it’s so much easier said than done but I promise you life is so much better on the other side of this. Stay strong and keep going with your plans to leave xx

[Loopy2]

Thank you very much for your reply.  I’m so happy you managed to get away.

I hate the way I always feel guilty about everything.  Every time I look at him, I feel guilty knowing I am going to leave.  He can be really nice and when he is, the guilt is even worse.  I get these images of him being homeless, drinking, withering away.  He drinks enough now.  I just picture all sorts of images of him or dread him doing something to himself.  I also worry on a different note that he’ll use my disabilities to try and get the kids from me.  My daughter is scared of her Dad so that would be a definite no no.

I am so worried, full of guilt, scared, you name it.

Knowing that you have escaped does help though and maybe there is a way out for me too.  I keep thinking maybe I’ll wait until after Christmas for the kids sake but I’m not sure I can wait that long now but we’ll see.

I have so much to sort out in my head but you have helped immensely.

Thank you gettingtired x

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